Theater Whore: Immortals

I cant even begin to cover this movie like a normal movie review. If you heard my latest The Rant Zone podcast you know that I was super excited to see this movie. When I first saw the trailer for it I didn’t care whether or not the plot made sense of if the acting was terrible. I just wanted to see some slow motion fighting and lots of swords cutting folks heads off. Yeah, I did get that but mixed in with a whole lotta nonsense I didn’t want.

Superman finally lost his shit.

Immortals stars Henry Cavill (Man Of Steel, The Tudors) as Theseus. He lives in a poor ass village on the side of a mountain that is going to be invaded by Mickey Rourke’s (Sin City, Rumble Fish, The Wrestler) King Hyperion. Theseus sees his mom get her throat slit and vows to start whipping evil ass. Hyperion is looking for a cool ass bow that shoots magic arrows that can kill gods. After that he wants to set the Titans free to wreck shit on Earth because his family got killed and now he don’t care about nothing anymore. Aww. I think a hug would’ve solved all of this. Theseus gets captured but instead of killing him Hyperion makes him a slave. He breaks free with the help of thief and possible rapist Stephen Dorff (fuck him, I’m not listing his movies!) and they go to fight some more.

"It Morphing Time!"

The gods do show up and when they do they’re all like “We cant interfere in man’s battles even though they directly affect us!” but then they still do. One of them makes a big ass wave that kills some dudes. Two more show up in full Power Ranger gear and kick these villains asses. They seriously do and its all very bloody and in slow motion. The best part of this movie is the gods by the way. They look cool when they fight and can kill you three times before you even hit the ground. Zeus for once isn’t an old man but a fucking supermodel who gets so mad at one of his kids he grabs a whip, sets it on fire, and knocks his monkey ass through a wall.

Not never!

There’s a scene that yanked me right the fuck out of the movie. Its when Theseus is damn near dying and an oracle played by Frieda Pinto feeds him baby bird style. Ew! I don’t care how hot a chick is I will not abide this! This movie suffers from bad writing. I know I said I didn’t care about that but when there is like 70% bad writing and acting and 30% bloody fighting something is wrong. There are some things that were done that were really cool though. The gods were cool whenever they were on screen. One dude got hit in the balls with a hammer the size of a broom. One guy does a dropkick. But is this worth seeing? No. Not really. Just wait till its on video and laugh in the privacy of your own home. This could've been a 85 minute movie but they managed to make it two hours. You already knew how it would end because the oracle shows you! Whenever Theseus was in danger or even when he gets stabbed its like "Whatever."