Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 30 days in jail today. Which in Hollywood speak translates to roughly a week or so. But not before she finishes shooting those sexy ass Playboy pictures we’ve all been dying for! Am I right, fellas?! Hello? Where’d everyone go? One Playmate was quoted as saying that Lohan better “spread eagle” for the amount of money she is getting. God, no! That’s like Skynet starting Armageddon during The Rapture!
Serena Williams locked herself in a panic room after thinking someone was robbing her house. Turns out it was a random drug tester. At least we all now know she has a panic room.
Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame and for doing all kinds of fucked up stuff is suing for damage to his reputation after he was accused to skipping out on two and a half million is gambling fees. Dude, just…just stop.
Some 20 year old chick says she banged Justin Bieber in a Staple Center bathroom (I prefer it Humpty style in a Burger King restroom) and now has a baby by him. Apparently he lasted about thirty seconds. Humans are way too easy to make. There needs to be some kinda goddamn trial of will and strength or something before a baby can be made.
Kim Kardashian and her family are saying they didn’t make any money off her short ass wedding. I guess they film the E! show for free then. Good for them. Also, instead of giving the wedding gifts back (which she totally fucking should!) she is donating $200K to a charity. Fuck that. I’d want my shit back.
Rapper Rick Ross says he’s been having seizures because of lack of sleep. Goodnight, y’all! Seriously, man. Maybe its your beard or many other reasons. Maybe seizures aren’t something badasses get. He could lose street cred over some shit like that.
Fake nerd Zooey Deschanel is getting a divorce. Now she can pretend to be available to normal guys. She is a movie, TV, and rock star! This is not a nerd, people! Know what she does when she gets home? Be famous. You? Touch yourself while looking into her creepy large eyes. Stop that.
Rihanna had to cancel a show in Sweden due to “exhaustion” and even posted a picture of her arm in an IV. Exhaustion? Bitch, please. I know single mothers and fathers that do more before noon than she does in a month and they don’t get the luxury of claiming exhaustion. Just admit its drugs already.
Also, Bad Ass Mofo Nic Cage’s son Weston is getting a divorce. He’s just like his dad…minus everything you like about Nic Cage.
The doctor Conrad Murray who helped kill Michael Jackson with way too many drugs will not testify in his trial. Probably the smartest decision he’s made in years.
Scarlett Johansson has said that the leaked nude pictures of her were for her then husband Ryan Reynolds. They were married?! Do I really need anymore reasons to hate that guy?
Jessica Simpson has finally admitted to being pregnant. Dante Ross admitted to throwing up a little through his nose. "It burns..." I was quoted as saying.
And for no reason Jessica Biel!
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