Insert Coin: Dig Dug

“The objective of Dig Dug is to eliminate underground-dwelling monsters by inflating them until they pop, or by dropping rocks on them. There are two kinds of enemies in the game. Pookas, round red monsters who wear yellow goggles, and Fygars, green dragons who can breathe fire. The player's character is Dig Dug, dressed in white and blue, and able to dig tunnels through destructible environments. Dig Dug is killed if he is caught by either Pooka or Fygar, burned by a Fygar's fire, or crushed by a rock. If left partially inflated, the monster will deflate and recover after a few seconds, and the player can also pass through the enemy while it is deflating.”

Pump. Pump, pump it up!

I can imagine what the War Room for this mission sounded like. “Dig Dug, there are dangerous monsters in gaudy jumpsuits and fire breathing dragons digging tunnels and its up to you to stop them! Huh? Your weapons? Here you go. Yes, that is a inflator. Use it? Well, you shoot it with a harpoon and then pump your chubby little arms until it explodes.” Dig Dug had to have written a will as soon as he got this deal. If I were him I would’ve been like “So let me get this straight. I have to fight monsters underground and the only thing I have to fight them with is something used to fix tires? And I don’t see anyone else here so I think its safe to assume that I’ll be doing this alone.” Its just you in your punk ass tracksuit fighting Cthulhu in the deepest parts of the planet.

"JAY-ZUS!!!"

You look at a game like this and think “Oh, this is easy. I just pump some creatures full of air and move on to the next level? Puh-lease. Easy!” I have to tell you that you’re so wrong! You’re wronger than a 195 pound kid wearing skinny jeans and a tank top. Just when you think you got it all figured out the damn creatures start plowing through the ground where they become just eyes. Evil, evil eyes of death! And did I mention there’s absolutely no power ups? Its not like you get two harpoons at some point or a super mega harpoon. You know what? Fire would've made this game so much cooler. The best you could hope for at times was to just pump them up until they were almost dead and then take off running like a little bitch.

I’d seriously reject this mission. The game is fun until you realize that you will never beat it. I own this game and I suck at it. I have sucked at it for almost 30 years. And I will probably suck at it 30 years from now when they make a virtual version that will allow me to shit my white bodysuit. I keep bitching about the air gun but there is another weapon you can use. Two actually. You can drop a rock on the creatures and hope it lands on them. Or…run! Run your fat little legs off! One of my main problems with this game is the is that there is only music when you move. Annoying ass music. With every step you take this weird electronic sound happens.