The Review: Game Of Thrones Season 8 Episode 3

Game Of Thrones Season 8 “The Long Night”

This is full of spoilers! Holy shit! I shouted that a whole lot while watching this. I thought I had enough of battles after watching Avengers: Endgame but apparently not. I sat here clenched for damn near an hour and a half watching this. Even before shit got cracking I was getting nervous because it was so quiet. The White Walkers don't scream and act crazy until they are told to so until then they are just standing there in the dark being creepy as shit. Just as I said out loud randomly “Where the fuck is the Blood Witch?” is she shows up. Melisandre walks up to the Dothraki and lights all their swords on fire. They get hype and charge off to go after the Walkers with Jorah leading the way. On and Dany are watching from the distance while Theon is with Bran waiting for the Night King to show up. Shit goes south fast as the flames from the swords start to slowly go out. Tense as shit scene!

Sitting In The Aisle: Avengers Endgame

Avengers Endgame 10/10

FULL OF ALL THE SPOILERS!!! I raced to see this because shit was spoiling it fast. I saw a poster with one of the characters and thought “Well, that's a thing I'll see. Thanks, punkass billboard!” It did not detract from my enjoyment of this movie. I checked the showtimes for this and it was either sold out or had seats right in front of the screen and fuck that nonsense. AMC Sunset shouldn't even have seats that close. I got a nice good seat. The theater was full and I was ready to get my Avengers Endgame on. This movie managed to wrap up over twenty films over the last ten years perfectly. I have no complaints other than bitchboy ones like wanting to see more of certain characters which was not possible since they got turned to damn dust during Infinity War. That movie left off on such a bummer so it made sense that this one started off the same.

The Review: Hap And Leonard Season 3

Hap And Leonard Season 3 (10/10)

Full of spoilers. The last episode of season three of Hap And Leonard had a scene so intense I pulled an ass muscle! After watching this I read that it was canceled and if I had any power over a station I would renew the fuck out of this show. Each season is six episodes at about 45 minutes and every single one has been great. This is one of those shows I tell people to watch and have to repeat the title. Maybe it is the channels it airs on originally. Maybe it is bad advertisement. Either way this is a series that way more people should have been watching and talking about. This season was somehow heavier than the previous two in tone (click here for season one and here for season two).

The Review: Game Of Thrones Season 8 Episode 2

Game Of Thrones Season 8 “A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms”

Click here for previous episodes.

This will be full of spoilers. Holy shit. While this episode was not as intense as the last one it was far more emotional an had a lot of progress. Knowing that there are only six episodes this season they are not wasting time. Jaime is brought before everyone to be judged. Dany knows who he is and talks about the stories she and her brother would share about what they would do to the man, Jaime, who had killed their father and watched him bleed out. This is some shit from back in the day and why Jaime is known as The Kingslayer. Sansa don't trust him either. Bran is just staring at him making him feel all kinds of uncomfortable. Brienne sticks up for him. Jon vouches for him so he is allowed to stay. And live. Jaime ends up having a chat with Bran outside where Bran is like “We need you to fight and you could not do that if they killed you.” Jaime asks about what happens after the war and Bran is like “Bitch, how do you know there is an after?” Bran continues to bring the vague and spooky.

Attack The Crock: Hellboy (2019)

I had previously written about how I was not going to see the new Hellboy movie (click here). Then I wrote about how I went and saw the new Hellboy movie (click here). Since then I have read and watched a lot of reviews of the film and none of them praise it. Some have talked more about what the film could've been. How there were issues between the studio and actors and director. You know. The type of shit that I as a random ass dude that sees movies and comments on them when no one asked never care about. I mean, I get that a studio can make a movie change in ways that do not work but I will only apply that to odd character choices or changes. Not the acting. Not the special effects. Not the look of a movie. This movie failed on all those fronts.

Hard.

Sitting In The Aisle: Hellboy

Hellboy 0/10

Full of spoilers! I did it. I said I was not gonna see this (read this where I explain why) but I heard about how bad this was and based on that had to. Hey. Movies are cheap on Tuesdays. So I headed out to see Hellboy and holy shit it was not good. I wasn't even so bad that it was good. This movie was straight up shit. I can not think of a single thing I enjoyed about this. Bad story, directing, editing (my god, the editing), the CGI, accents, the characters. It was from top to bottom bad. I almost recorded an audio version of this because I have so much shit I wanna rant about. 

The Review: The First Purge

The First Purge 2/10

This movie is stuuuuuuupid. I knew that going in. I have seen all of The Purge films (click here, here, and here for those reviews) and knew that I would wait a bit before seeing The First Purge. Now, one of my biggest problems with this movie is that it seems way more technologically advanced than the movies that take place over ten years and more later. This starts off with this crackhead named Skeletor talking about his need to be violent and “purge” while being interviewed. How did he hear about this interview process by the way? What in the fuck did that waiting room look like?! If the Purge had a face it would look like his. Other people are interviewed and told that they will get $5,000 and a tracking device to monitor their shit. It comes in the form of eye contacts that glow which is silly as shit but whatever. Another problem I had is the creation of the Purge is rushed at the start of this.

The Review: Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom

Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom 1/10

“What's odd is that I'm gonna forget about this movie. There was nothing in it that made me cheer or feel anything but annoyance at everyone in it. This movie wasn't fun. It wasn't cool. It wasn't interesting. It just was. It was a very expensive thing happening on screen that I wasted time seeing.” That is what I wrote about in my review for Jurassic World. I can not say the same for this one because so much stupid happened in this that I for sure am gonna bitch about it when Cam and I record our next Rockets & Chicken podcast in the future. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom was a hot dumpster fire behind a Goodwill. I can not forget the amount of dumb shit that happened in this movie. The story, the acting, the special effects. All of it seemed like they all belonged in other films but somehow managed to find their way into this one.

The Review: Game Of Thrones Season 8 Episode 1

Game Of Thrones Season 8 “Winterfell”

This will be full of spoilers. I watched the first episode of the last season of Game Of Thrones and I am here for every minute of it. I had to watch a few videos to remember what the hell even happened last season but feeling sufficiently caught up I dove in. This season wastes no time. It starts with a big ass army marching through a town in the North with Daenerys and Jon riding on horseback. Arya sees on on his horse but chooses not to say anything. Then she sees The Hound which may end up super bad for her. The town folk do not look happy at all and when the two remaining dragons come swooping in they look worried. And they should. Because fucking dragons!

The Review: Black Summer

Black Summer 2/10

Full of spoilers. This should have been called Loud Noises. Black Summer was suggested to me by my Netflix in a strange way of pushing me towards canceling my subscription (which will occur as soon as I finish the third season of Hap & Leonard). When I watch zombie shit I need to find one or more people to relate to. If not that I want someone I can cheer on through the movie or series. This gave me one person and she didn't even speak English. I'll get to her later. This is about a zombie outbreak that has happened. No one knows why but it is a thing and widely known. A mother, father, and daughter are making their way to a military convoy to head to the stadium. The stadium is the magical place where everyone will be safe which sounds like a fucking nightmare to me considering when this country uses a stadium for sanctuary crime, rape, and violence occur. And that's just at the Ram games. By the way, if you liked the pilot episode, good for you, because none of the other episodes feel the same way.

Sitting In The Aisle: Shazam

Shazam 8 ½/10

There will be spoilers. Shazam was a damn fun ass movie! I was trying to figure out the last time I watched a live action superhero movie that was this fun and I think the closest to it is Spiderman: Homecoming but this was even more fun. I do not know a ton about Shazam but I know basic information. I know his name, his alter ego, and that he gets adopted. I liked this because I could not sit in the theater and compare how it was different from the comic or not. This starts off in 1974 when this kid Thaddeus Sivana, his older brother, and dad are riding in a car. The father and brother all all up in the kids ass making fun of him when suddenly his family vanishes and the car gets covered in ice. He gets out and ends up in a cave with this wizard who is not even close to nice. He seems fed up which I get because he has been looking for a champion for centuries. The last one didn't turn out so well. So this kid is close to becoming Shazam when he starts listening to these whispering voices from the seven deadly sins. The wizard is like “Ah, fuck outta here!” and the kid wakes in the car and they end up spinning out and hit. The kid gets all the blame for this.

The Review: Santa Clarita Diet Season 3

Santa Clarita Diet Season 3 (3/10)

This will have spoilers. When I first started watching this show I said during the first season in a review “The reason I didn't rate this any higher is because while her zombie mystery illness is not solved I can not see this going past two seasons without it being resolved or more people finding out and having to be killed.” Then during the second season I said “I know in the past that I said I hoped this wouldn't go too many seasons but I think a solid four seasons with ten episodes each (please no more than that) and I'll be good. I just don't want this to wear out its welcome.” Now I'm starting to think it has worn out its welcome. I finished watching this latest season of Santa Clarita Diet and was bummed out that they have piled on more stories and lore but have made more questions than can possibly be answered in the next season or even two. I had hoped that this would be the last season and it could wrap up in some nice fashion but the way it ended actually pissed me off.

The Review: Hanna

Hanna 2/10

Haunting visuals. Compelling story. Great acting. Incredible music. Hanna had all that and more...in 2011. This new Amazon series with the same title and loosely the same story has none of those things. What it does have is a weak story, inconsistent characters, and music that made me want to mute my television when it came on. This is gonna be full of complaints and spoilers so if that ain't your jam you should stop reading now. I had been looking forward to this because I loved the movie for all the things I mentioned above. This series did not have any of that stuff. I just kept asking “Why is (insert character name) doing that?!” which eventually became “Oh, they are doing some dumb shit so another episode can happen.” This could have easily, and should have been, maybe four episodes. But it just kept dragging along and not being interesting. Oh, and I'm gonna be comparing this to the movie. Deal with it. Super spoilers ahead. And whoever did that poster needs to be fired.