The Review: Hellboy The Crooked Man

Hellboy The Crooked Man 0/10

This movie was ass. I have been sitting here a few minutes debating on whether to even write about this. I forgot that this was a thing that even existed and saw it on Hulu which I forget I have most of the time unless there is a series I wanna check out. This was rated R and supposed to be scary and horror filled. There are episodes of The Flash scarier than this bullshit. Hellboy is wack in this. Had zero personality and seemed ineffective at everything. He just durable. Gets his ass kicked and speared but doesn't die. Bobbie Jo who is with him doesn't follow instructions and they shoehorn a backstory for her that made me laugh at the idea of more of these being made. Please don't. Basic premise is that Hellboy and Bobbie Jo are on a train that flips and a spider they caught gets loose. They find a boy that was bewitched and madcap adventures ensue! The crooked man in this is not scary or really that powerful and dies in the shittiest way. Fuck, this was weak. Hated that last one that came out a few years back and this was somehow even worse. The effects in this were bad. The sound editing sounded like they were in a studio. They rarely sounded like they were on set with background sounds. Ugh. This movie was not made for me.

Click here for previous The Review.

Sitting In The Aisle: Hellboy

Hellboy 0/10

Full of spoilers! I did it. I said I was not gonna see this (read this where I explain why) but I heard about how bad this was and based on that had to. Hey. Movies are cheap on Tuesdays. So I headed out to see Hellboy and holy shit it was not good. I wasn't even so bad that it was good. This movie was straight up shit. I can not think of a single thing I enjoyed about this. Bad story, directing, editing (my god, the editing), the CGI, accents, the characters. It was from top to bottom bad. I almost recorded an audio version of this because I have so much shit I wanna rant about. 

You Had One Job: Hellboy Reboot

This doesn't look right. Not just because Ron Perlman is not in it. The new Hellboy just does not look good. In photos that have been all dolled up? Sure. He's like the opposite of Fergie who I love moving but not in photos. This reboot of the Hellboy franchise just looks very not cool. I loved the first two films directed by Guillermo Del Toro with Perlman as Hellboy. It all seemed to work perfectly and looked amazing. I was not a fan of the Hellboy comics in any way. I knew who the character was and became a fan because of the previous films. The new trailer that came out the other day did not give me any goosebumps. That is a rating system I have. Like, the first Captain Marvel trailer did not give me goosebumps which worried me but then they released a second and it did. With this there will be no second trailer magic happening.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Ron Perlman

This weeks Bad Ass Mofo will punch you right in the heart and smile while doing it. He’s cool as fuck and has a voice that is far Blacker than mine and I don’t even care. Ron Perlman is an awesome ass guy that if I were to come back in another life being his clone I’d be happy. Then I’d make a bunch of cool ass films where you’ll rarely ever see what my real face looks like. Perlman says that people made fun of him for being overweight and saying he looks like a monkey. “It was not a bad childhood but I had a perception of myself that was, I was terribly overweight as a young kid, and it was sort of a low self image.“ Now he’s a huge star and has a hot ass wife. If I were him I’d be dying to go to my high school reunion!

Furries. Oh, yeah...

Perlman is known for not looking like himself in a lot of films. He got popular from the televised Beauty & The Beast with Bad Mamma Jamma Linda Hamilton. He was also in The Island Of Dr. Moreau, Star Trek: Nemesis, and of course Hellboy! Oh, how I love the Hellboy movies! He has also done a lot of voiceover work for things like Teen Titans, Superman, and he was Clayface in Batman The Animated Series. I didn’t find that out until a few months ago and now its so obvious.