The Review: Blade 2

Blade II 6/10

This movie did not age well. I recently watched Blade II again and can say that it has been well over ten years since I saw it. This came out in 2002 where we thought we had mastered the art of making CGI characters based off of real people look realistic when fighting. This one takes place a few years after te first film with Blade searching for Whistler who has been turned into a vampire. I think. I'm pretty sure he is. Either way, Blade's new partner Scud does not trust Whistler and Whistler is old as fuck and does not care for the work Scud does. Its mad dramatic, yo.

Demand It!: Hand Of God

Amazon has a series of original shows where they have just the pilot and you go online and vote for which ones you want to watch as a regular series. The one I watched and fell in love with is called Hand Of God and it stars Ron Perlman as a corrupt ass judge named Pernell Harris. This guy is dirty as hell and proud of it.

One day he is found bathing in a parks lake by police. They are trying to keep the whole thing covered up but he is clearly not handling his sons attempted suicide well. His son witnessed his own wife being raped while he was forced to watch. Pernell refuses to let the slow wheels of justice grind and decides to be saved at a small church run by Paul Curtis, a washed up soap star, played by Julian Morris. This guy is obviously dirty as well and gladly accepts Pernell's $50,000 “donation.” He gets a visit from Pernell's wife Crystal Harris played by Dana Delaney who grabs his dick and threatens him. She is not fucking around and will do whatever she needs to to make sure Pernell stays clean in the public eye.

Babbling Old Man: Paper Moon & The Ice Pirates

So I watched this new film called Paper Moon with Ryan O'Neal and his daughter Tatum O'Neal with Beastman and H. I had kinda heard of this film in that I knew that Tatum had won an Oscar at the age of 10 and...that's about it. It's the story of a con man named Moses Pray (I say flim flam man) that goes around to the family of people who recently died and saying that they ordered a specially made bible right before they died and collecting the cash from them. Its a pretty shitty way to scam folks.

Moses heads to a funeral of a woman and as soon as he gets there this lady is like “Hey, you look like this little girl so she must be your daughter and you should take her to her family because you seriously have the same jaw as her so take her to St. Louis!” The little girl, Addie, goes with him and eventually starts running these scams with him. They start with charging more for the bibles, running cash register schemes, and eventually getting around to robbing a bootlegger. Bad idea. When they got to that point I knew that someone was gonna get their ass kicked.

Theater Whore: Pacific Rim

Giant robots punching monsters in the face! Tonight I got to see Pacific Rim two days before the premiere and I fucking loved this movie. After Kiyoshi (click here to check out and purchase his short story its very good) tagged me in a post with the trailer I damn near lost my mind. No, I actually did lose my mind. 

I have always wanted to see this movie without even knowing it. I never thought that while I was alive that I’d get a cool giant robot movie. Don’t even mention Transformers. I swear I will scissor kick the shit out of anyone that thinks this is even close to that crap. Guillermo Del Toro who has made almost nothing but incredible films has managed to create something that is not just amazing to look at, but has a real story, great acting, and real laughs in it. 

One of the best things about this movie is the fact that the robots seem to have real weight to them. When they moved it appeared as if they were real giant man made creations and not big computer generated images on the screen that looked real. When the pilots were hit it seemed painful. 

The movie stars Charlie Hunnam who is like a better acting version of Chris Hemsworth and was great in 3, 2, 1 Frankie Go Boom as one of the pilots of the Jaeger, Gypsy Danger, along with his brother. After a tragedy he retires and works in construction. The way the robots work is you and another pilot hook up to these robots and synch together. I won’t ruin why there needs to be two pilots but there really needs to be. Its not pretty when there aren’t. 

DVDiculous: 3, 2, 1...Frankie Go Boom!

A few weeks back The Munky sent me a trailer to this movie called 3, 2, 1...Frankie Goes Boom! mostly because it had Ron Perlman as a transsexual and I was totally horrified. So of course I decided to see it since nothing makes me happier than seeing giant men dressed as women. This turned out to be a very good film that at times made me want to punch people in the face.

Frankie played by Charlie Hunnam lives in a trailer in the middle of Death Valley where he wants to be left alone. His mother calls and tells him that he needs to come home because his brother is getting out of rehab and he needs to be there to support him. Mind you, the film starts off with footage from when Frankie and Bruce were children and Bruce makes Frankie fall into a hole and is then chased by their half naked mother who falls in as well.

Bruce is played by Chris O’Dowd who was the cop in Bridesmaids. I barely recognized him. Its funny but at times his accent slips in along with Hunnam’s. So after a terrible speech given by Bruce about his sobriety Frankie leaves. Years ago Bruce posted a video from Frankie’s wedding of him puking on the bride. There’s more to it than that. Bruce says its art and doesn’t feel bad about any of the fucked up stuff he does.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Ron Perlman

This weeks Bad Ass Mofo will punch you right in the heart and smile while doing it. He’s cool as fuck and has a voice that is far Blacker than mine and I don’t even care. Ron Perlman is an awesome ass guy that if I were to come back in another life being his clone I’d be happy. Then I’d make a bunch of cool ass films where you’ll rarely ever see what my real face looks like. Perlman says that people made fun of him for being overweight and saying he looks like a monkey. “It was not a bad childhood but I had a perception of myself that was, I was terribly overweight as a young kid, and it was sort of a low self image.“ Now he’s a huge star and has a hot ass wife. If I were him I’d be dying to go to my high school reunion!

Furries. Oh, yeah...

Perlman is known for not looking like himself in a lot of films. He got popular from the televised Beauty & The Beast with Bad Mamma Jamma Linda Hamilton. He was also in The Island Of Dr. Moreau, Star Trek: Nemesis, and of course Hellboy! Oh, how I love the Hellboy movies! He has also done a lot of voiceover work for things like Teen Titans, Superman, and he was Clayface in Batman The Animated Series. I didn’t find that out until a few months ago and now its so obvious.