Friday, September 30, 2011

Insert Coin: Golden Axe 2

“The three playable characters from the first Golden Axe, Ax Battler, Tyris Flare, and Gilius Thunderhead, return in Golden Axe II to save the people of the land by defeating the new evil clan, led by Dark Guld, and reclaim the Golden Axe, which is in his possession. The game features a total of seven levels: six scrolling levels and a final end of game boss battle against Dark Guld.”

I wasted so much money playing Golden Axe 2 at the arcade before finally getting it on Sega Genesis and dominating the hell out of it. I mean I beat the hell out of this game. Hours spent playing a game that until I started this article I never knew what these characters names were. I usually referred to them as The Guy, The Lady, and The Midget. Funny how the barbarian guy is named Ax but the goofy bastard uses a sword. Apparently he decided to rebel against his parents. Kinda like a guy named Jeeves racing NASCAR. I cant talk to much crap. He saves lives.
He wants to hear your lamentations. 

The Rant Zone Show 7

In this special Rant Zone I am joined by none other than the Rated R Rock Star himself, Josh Smith. We discuss ugly dating, double standards, teen dying from masturbating too much, porn stashes, and his career in stand up and poetry including where it was, where it is, and where he thinks it will be. Click here to download this and past Rant Zones.

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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Ross Radio Show 93

In this shame filled Ross Radio I play a bunch of songs I never wanted to admit I liked. Ce Ce Peniston Finally, Snap! The Power, M.A.R.S. Pump Up The Volume, Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch Good Vibrations, MC Sar & The Real McCoy Another Night, Haddaway What Is Love?, Amber This Is Your Night, Bizarre Inc. feat Angie Brown I'm Gonna Get You, Black Box Strike It Up, The Outhere Brothers Boom Boom Boom, La Bouche Sweet Dreams, Daft Punk Around The World, Rozalla Everybody's Free (To Feel Good), Ace Of Base Beautiful Life, Crush Jellyhead, and C&C Music Factory Gonna Make You Sweat. Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Denzel Washington

“I watched that cocksucker operate with impunity for over 10 years, and now I got him. The shit's chess, it ain't checkers.” Alonzo Harris Training Day

This weeks Bad Ass Mofo is Denzel Washington. This man can not make a bad film. Ever see Virtuosity? It’s a terrible film with Denzel and Russell Crowe where some computer guy made of every serial killer becomes real. Denzel beats his punk ass and made the movie watchable. And he loves shooting at shit. In so many films he packs heat. Training Day, Man On Fire, Book of Eli, and Inside Man to name a few. He don’t even need sight to scare the shit out of you.

FAP FILES: Charlize Theron

This Fap Files is dedicated to the one and only Charlize Theron. My spell check hates her name. She is a fine ass African beauty. Yes. She was born in Africa. You learned something new today. I think I first saw her in The Devil’s Advocate, which is a terrible film but it introduced me to the love Charlize. Her mom also shot her dad in self defense. That. Happened. She also hurt herself making that terrible film Aeon Flux. Man, that movie blew. But I still watched it just to see her do stuff. Sexy looking stuff. Flexible stuff. She practiced ballet for years so she’s very bendable. Which means she can do things in bed that you think you want a woman to do but will ultimately make you realize that half the shit you see in porn is unrealistic and will make the sexy time even shorter.
4, 5, 6 seconds tops. On a good day.

Gossip & Shit September 29th 2011

The Michael Jackson murder trial has begun this week. Are we still pretending Conrad Murray is gonna do time? We are? Okay. Just checking.

Lindsay Lohan was seen making out with some guy. I can only imagine it tasted like cigarettes, medicine, and vagina.

Scarlett Johansson is mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore! The FBI is gonna find the hackers who posted her nude pictures. Good luck with that. The world has already seen them. Be proud, woman!

Nancy Grace may or may not have had a nip slip on Dancing With The Stars. I may or may not have vomited from my nose.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Insert Coin: Safari Hunt

“The game is similar to Duck Hunt for the NES, requiring the player to shoot at animals in a hunt. Safari Hunt has three levels and a variety of animals. The player must score a certain amount of points by shooting the animals with a limited amount of bullets to move to the next level. The three levels and animals included in each are: Lake: Duck, Fish and Rabbit. Jungle: Bird, Armadillo and Bear. Forest: Spider, Monkey, Bat and Panther.”

I’ve mentioned before when I was younger and instead of the awesome Nintendo Entertainment System (In-Ten-Doe as my mother pronounces it) I received a monkey ass Sega Master System. This game and Hang On were both built into the Sega with no cartridge. Safari Hunt was a game that prepared people for a life full of responses that did not match the issue. Because I don’t know about you, but when I see insects my first instinct is to blow its goddamn brains out!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Theater Whore: Drive

“If I drive for you, you give me a time and a place. I give you a five-minute window, anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours no matter what. I don't sit in while you're running it down; I don't carry a gun... I drive.”

I didn’t even want to see this movie. I saw the trailers and commercials for it and it looked like a chase film and if Vin Diesel isn’t driving in a chase film or if it wasn’t made in the 70’s I probably wont like it. But a co-worker told me to see this and after his recommendation on Devil’s Double I decided to check this out. Twice. Yes, I went to The Grove and saw this movie two times in three days.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Art Imitating Life

In films there are always people that do things that bug us. Things that are supposed to be funny, clever, or cool but in reality would make you punch them in the face. So I with the help of Trixie came up with a mixture of some of these things.

Quirky Girls
Oh, you know the type. The weird girl that paints or has a house full of knick knacks that she started doing as a child but have managed to stay in perfect condition. She’s cute in a mousey way and always manages to make the straight laced businessman cut loose and find his inner child. In the movie The Adjustment Bureau this chick takes Matt Damon’s phone and drops it in his cup of coffee since he needs to use it. Zooey Deschanel is the main offender of this nonsense. If someone take my metaphorical cell phone and dropped it in my coffee I would likely shake the shit out of her.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

FAP FILES: Bad Singers

There is a lot of music that I don’t like. I started my blog because I was tired of hearing crap every single time I turned on the radio. Years ago it became pretty obvious that music was more about how someone looked more than how they sounded. Nowadays all someone has to do is dress weird (Lady Gaga) to get attention and record sells. You don’t even have to be a good performer live. Look at Rihanna. I like parts of her. That forehead makes me nervous. She’s like a human Jenga or something. But I do enjoy her legs. But I’ll be damned if she don’t sound like a pigeon being shaken like a salt shaker. Speaking of salt shakers…

Gossip & Shit September 21st 2011

Rapper Fabolous and the guy attached to the penis in that Kim Kardashian porno Ray-J got into a fight over things said on Twitter. Fighting has officially jumped the shark. I’ve seen people get the spirit at church more violently.

NBA player Ron Artest is now know as Metta World Peace. I cant make this shit up.

Halle Berry broke her foot while shooting a movie. “Halle still doing movies?!” I asked aloud.

There are new pictures of Chaz Bono shirtless. “No! No! No!Life screamed.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Ross Radio Show 92

I felt like playing some blues. I found some stuff from an old CD I hadn’t heard in years. John Lee Hooker Boom Boom, Muddy Waters Mannish Boy, Little Willie John Fever, T-Bone Walker Stormy Monday, Odetta The Midnight Special, Howlin Wolf Spoonful, Guitar Slim The Things That I Used To Do, Otis Rush I Cant Quit You Baby, Son House John The Revelator, Leadbelly Where Did You Sleep Last Night?, Hound Dog Taylor and The Houserockers Let’s Get Funky. Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows.

Insert Coin: Rolling Thunder

“The player takes control of Albatross, a member of the WCPO's ‘Rolling Thunder’ espionage unit. Albatross's mission is to save a missing female agent named Leila Blitz from a secret society named Geldra located in New York.”

Rolling Thunder is one of those games that makes you wonder if the people that create video games are a bunch of evil bastards that sit in a room thinking of ways to make poor little Black kids waste their quarters on videos games when they could be spending them on Jolly Ranchers and Now & Laters. Or maybe I just really sucked at this game. Hard. I have almost a love/hate relationship with this game. I even have it on PS2 and even with a code for extra lives I still cant win.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Viggo Mortensen

“If you're trying to please everyone, then you're not going to make anything that is honestly yours, I don't think, in the long run.” Viggo Mortensen

The Bas Ass Mofo of the week is Viggo Mortensen. I’m sure some of you are surprised and wondering what makes him such a bad ass let alone enough of one to be the BAM of the week. Its because in the movie Eastern Promises he acted out my worst nightmare: being attacked while butt booty ass naked! Seriously, can you think of a worse time to have two dudes try and shank you? I sure as hell cant! He’s also not ashamed to flash his balls on screen in front of millions of unsuspecting theater goers.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Theater Whore: Trollhunter

If you take anything away from this movie its that trolls do not like gospel music. Trollhunter is a film about a group of young film makers that are trying to investigate random animal mutilations going on in Norway, which is where this movie takes place. I don’t want to use the terms that are being thrown around and easily makes a film like this dismissible like “mockumentary” or “found footage.” But that’s what this is but its done right for so many reasons.

People are comparing this to Apollo 18, The Blair Witch Project, and Paranormal Activities. This is a great disservice to this movie because out of those three movies I have seen two of them and its nothing like them. As the team, composed of Finn the interviewer, Kalle the cameraman, and Johanna the sound technician. While investigating they end up following a man named Hans who comes and goes at weird hours. They trail him which I strongly advise against.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

TV Slut: Phineas and Ferb

Phineas and Ferb is a show that I had vaguely heard of but never watched until a co-worker of mine Throwback (named for his ability to know as many if not more animated theme songs that I do) acted like he would never talk to me again unless I watched it. It’s on The Disney Channel and the world knows I don’t have cable. Do they still call it cable? I watched a few episodes on Youtube and I am happy to say that I laughed out loud while watching this cartoon. This doesn’t happen anymore.

"Fighting Words!": Terra Nova

If you know me then you know that I like making uninformed comments. Do you think I’m gonna wait till that show Terra Nova starts to start talking about how ridiculous it looks? You must be crazy! When I first saw the commercial for this I thought it was for a Jurassic Park series or something. That film set the bar high in terms of special effects and how a dinosaur should look.

                                                          “What ya’ll cookin’?”

“The show begins in the year 2149, a time when all life on planet Earth is threatened with extinction. In an effort to save the human race, scientists develop a time machine allowing people to travel 85 million years back in time to prehistoric Earth. The Shannon family join the tenth pilgrimage of settlers to Terra Nova, the first human colony on the other side of the temporal doorway. However, they are unaware that the colony is in the middle of a group of carnivorous dinosaurs.”

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Insert Coin: Bad Dudes

The game starts in New York City, where President Ronnie has been kidnapped by the nefarious DragonNinja. A Secret Service agent asks two street-smart brawlers, named Blade and Striker. ‘President Ronnie has been kidnapped by the ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue Ronnie?’ After hearing that, the Bad Dudes pursue the DragonNinja through the city streets, highway, sewers, transport train, forest, cave and into the secret ninja base in order to save President Ronnie.

There is nothing like waking up in the middle of the day and going out in your sweatpants, tank top, and Converse and whipping some ninja ass. Bad Dudes was a game so fun I almost missed my bus a couple dozen times because of it. They had it at this liquor store and I would play the hell out of this, never beating it or getting to the end.

                                     Truck ninjas are no match for Bro-Fu!

"Bad Ass Mofo": Bruce Lee

“I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.” Bruce Lee

Not since Genghis Khan has one man done more to make people afraid of Asians that are upset than our Bad Ass Mofo of the week Bruce Lee. As a child he made me think that anyone from Asia knew kung fu which every Asian should thank him for. How many ass kicking’s have been averted by simply going “Woooooooo!!!”? A lot probably. With all the praise that Chuck Norris gets people tend to forget one thing. He whipped Norris’ ass!

                             Norris grew a beard to cover his disfigurement.

The Rant Zone 6

In this edition of The Rant Zone I discuss the past weekends Top 10 films, Warrior, Devil’s Double, a Point Break remake, DC Comics 52 (which I cover at, Human Centipede 2, a new Quentin Tarantino movie Django Unchained, a Highlander reboot, and Top Gun in 3D. Click here to get your rant on!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Gossip & Shit September 13th 2011

There are photos of Reese Witherspoon after being hit by an old lady while she was jogging. “Damn!Chris Tucker probably said when he saw the picture. The old lady will be taking her driver test again on October 7th. We have less than a month to feel safe.

Amy Winehouse’s father is blaming her ex husband for sending her on the path that led to her eventual (inevitable) death. “Come on now…Jesus said.

Manny Ramirez formerly of the LA Dodgers and formerly of playing baseball was arrested for beating up his wife. Then he got mad at reporters for trying to interview him. Next time keep the windows rolled up, douche.

Rihanna will be a guest judge on The X Factor which is funny since she would probably not make it far at all on that show if she wasn’t who she is.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Theater Whore: Warrior

Due to the anniversary of September 11th 2001 and a generally slow box office this movie will probably not get the praise or box office totals it deserves. Warrior is one of those types of films that come out once in a great while. Luckily The Fighter from last year came out and made boxing movies seem relevant. This one focuses on MMA (mixed martial arts) and I believe that even if you’re not a fan of the sport, fighting movies, or violence that you will still see this movie and like you. Hell, you might even shed a tear or two. There are spoilers below.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Gossip & Shit September 9th 2011

Jim Carrey is busy stalking Emma Stone and spray painting his art studio. Remember when he was funny? Man, I miss the 90’s…

Ricki Lake was hurt while practicing for Dancing With The Stars. “Who?” anyone born after 1993 asked.

Bill Cosby wants us to not eat so much pudding. Piss off, Heathcliff.

Chris Brown had 95 of 117 parking tickets dismissed. Kids, fuck school. Just get famous.

Anthony Michael Hall is scaring his neighbors. Why? “Why not?!” he probably shouted in response before spinning on the ground Curly style.

Ross Radio Show 91

In this episode dedicated to Freddie Mercury of Queen I play The Show Must Go On, The Princes Of The Universe, I Want It All, Who Wants To Live Forever, I Want To Break Free, Somebody To Love, Bohemian Rhapsody, Fat Bottom Girls, Radio Gaga, Sweet Lady, Under Pressure, Bicycle Race, Killer Queen, You’re My Best Friend, Don’t Stop Me Now, We Will Rock You, Another One Bites The Dust, The Prophets Song, and New York. Click here to download this episode and past Ross Radio Shows.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

FAP FILES: Kate Winslet

Kate Winslet is classy as hell. I sure know how to sweet talk the ladies, huh? Everyone fell in love with her after she starred in Titanic. I was like “Whatever.” Even though she did a nude scene it did nothing for me. She just looked like a regular chick to me.

It wasn’t until she was in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind and there is a scene in which she has to coax Jim Carrey’s character from under a table. I am so not gonna go into explaining why any man has to be coaxed into being with Winslet but it happens. But the way she does it is what made me take notice of her. I was sitting in the theater not knowing what to do with myself after seeing this.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Insert Coin: Ghost'n Goblins

Ghosts'n Goblins was one of the hardest but addictive damn games in the arcade. Just like in Altered Beast you start the game off running around fighting the undead in your draws. There’s some really messed up theme here that I need to get to the bottom of.

                                          “Why have you forsaken me, Lord?!”

“Sir Arthur, who must defeat zombies, ogres, demons, cyclopes, dragons, and other monsters in order to rescue Princess Prin Prin, who has been kidnapped by Satan, King of Demon World. Along the way the player can pick up new weapons, bonuses and extra suits of armor that can help in this task.”

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

"Fighting Words!": Viola Davis

I know this is supposed to be where I scream and rant about something that is bothering me. Well, I am. Technically. I’m mad at Viola Davis. Know why? Because she is hot. Viola Davis is fucking hot and a bit too classy for me to add to my Fap Files. So why is it that in every film she look a hot mess? What kinda monkey ass Bizarro World do I live in where an actress that looks this pretty can only get roles where she has to ugly herself up? I need to sit her down and tell her "You did a great film where you were kinda scary looking, but now you can look normal. You don't have to look like you were an extra in The Color Purple anymore, Ms. Davis. Now get up. My lap is getting sore..." I wish someone was recording me when she came out to do Jay Leno’s show when she was doing advertising for the movie Doubt. She came out looking way hot! How did she look in Doubt you ask?

"Bad Ass Mofo": John Malkovich

“You know, the next time you choose a human shield, you're better off not picking a two-bit negro crackhead.” Cyrus “the Virus” Grissom Con Air

There is only one actor alive that can be in a film starring Nic Cage where he comes off crazier. One man that can go from being a total psychopath in one movie and then turn around and do art house small budget films. One man that can have an entire movie made about what its like to be inside of his own brain. And that man and Bad Ass Mofo of the week is John Malkovich.

FAP FILES: Emma Stone

There are some guys out there that don’t find Emma Stone hot. And I say to them “I’ll see you at the next Pride rally!” Seriously, how can you not like this girl? She is a natural blond but dyes her hair red (much like previous Fap Filer Christina Hendricks). I first noticed her in Superbad and was like “Wow, she sounds like she puts away three packs a day! Sexy!” Yeah, I love girls that smoke. As far as I know she doesn’t smoke but she does have what is called a husky voice. Is husky the right word? Whatever. Who cares what her voice sounds like? She is in a movie that has been number one for weeks. Actually it went from being number two to number one! That is how magical this girl is! You try and deny the power of The Stone. I dare you.

"Can I Finish?!": Internet Nonsense

If you use the internet you will be bombarded with ads trying to get you to click on them to get shit you don’t need. This is known to anyone that has spent more than five minutes in front of a computer. From ways to make money, save money, get sex, get more sex, or how to make yourself look younger. I don’t know about you, but I was not a good looking youngster and no cream could make me wanna go back to that stage of my life.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Gossip & Shit September 5th 2011

“Rapper” Soulja Boy managed to piss off troops with his lyrics. “Get in line” everyone who has heard his music said., the best website on Earth, wants to buy Kim Kardashian’s sex tape and put it online for free. Way to do God’s work, fellas!

People are boycotting Dancing With The Stars because Chaz Bono is gonna be on it. I’m not boycotting it. I just hate that show.

The Westboro Baptist Church is going after Kevin Smith for his Red State movie. Must mean he did something right.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Theater Whore: Apollo 18 & Horrible Bosses

This time I’m gonna give you all a twofer since neither one of these films warrants a full review. And yes, there will be spoilers. Up first is Apollo 18 starring Warren Christie, Lloyd Owen and Ryan Robbins as three astronauts manning the Apollo 18 spacecraft.

The format of the movie is kinda strange and could’ve been awesome if used in moderation. Cameras from the shuttle and the crew members tell the tale of two of the astronauts walking on the moon and collecting specimens. There are strange happenings going on however and if you happen to miss them because of the grainy camera ass camera the shot actually pauses and focuses on what you should’ve been able to see.

The Rant Zone 5

In this episode I discuss the Top 10 movies at the box office, Darth Vader screaming like a bitch, Brett Ratner trying to sabotage The Academy Awards, NASA stating the obvious about Apollo 18, The Orphanage remake, needing more karate in my life, Pride And Prejudice And Zombies film, Andrew Garfield being stupid, and another Grudge film being done. Click here to enter The Rant Zone!

Ross Radio Show 90

In this English/British themed rap episode I play some songs that you may have heard before (absolutely no M.I.A!). I doubt it though. The P Brothers & Cappo Nottingham Bronx, Rodney P Murderer Style, The Streets Blinded By The Light, Out Da Ville Queen’s Palace, Dizzee Racal Fix Up Look Sharp, Roots Manuva Witness, Slick Rick Mona Lisa, Kano P’s And Q’s, Plan B Tough Love, Akala Shakespeare, and I had to add from Attack the Block Mikis Michaelides Get That Snitch because it makes me laugh. Click here to download this show and here to download past Ross Radio Shows.

All Grown An' Shit 1

Seriously, I wish I could tell every boy in the world to not be a dick to girls when they are younger just based on the fact that one day they could be a fine ass woman. Today on Facebook Josh Smith (order his DVD damn you!) he brought up Anna Chlumsy from the old film My Girl and how she’s the hotness now. He made most of the suggestions on this list so if you have any rage aim it towards his twitter account. I know I did one of these in the past (its right here!) but this one is not just about how hot they are. I just wanna know what they look like now…and if they’re hot. Don’t judge me.

Friday, September 2, 2011

"Fighting Words!": Whitney

I hate Whitney Cummings. I don’t even know this woman and I cant stand her. Or her new show. Yes, a new show that has yet to even air has managed to garner such rage from me I had to make a new segment on my site just so I can bitch about it. There have been stupid ass billboards all over the city and not one of them has made me want to sit down and dedicate even half an hour of my life to watching what this smarmy bitch has to say about life, love, or relationships. So what the hell is this show about?