FAP FILES: Olympic Athletes

I don’t know much about sports. I know about as much about athletics as I do about having a healthy relationship which is to say not all that much. But what I do know is hot chicks. There are a lot of women in sports tat are way attractive, totally blowing the myths of manly women out of the water. Some guys look at a muscular woman and call her a lesbian. That’s insecurity and you should work on that. Me, I know to stay away because I like having my penis in one piece.

The sports that I have loved watching women do ever since I was little have been wrestling, running, roller derby, and gymnastics. God, I don’t know how many hours were wasted watching big legged women bouncing around the place. I love stocky women but there is also a place in my pants--oops--heart for some tall and/or lean women. Here are some that would kick my ass for just looking at them.

Fap Of The Year 2012: Sofia Vergara

2012 will go down as the year that the Fap Files took a dramatic hit. Hell, the Spank Bank was damn near depleted this year. So many women either messed with their faces, got pregnant, and forcibly removed themselves from the list by getting married. But one woman stayed fapable despite having a 20 year old son, being 40, being engaged, and hard to understand unless I pay attention. Sofia Vergara is the Fap Of The Year!

Last years winner Rosario Dawson disappeared from the public after winning the award and I searched high and low for this one. Looking at the files I compiled this year, only four, makes me and my junk sad. Vergara’s been busy with a hit series, being on her son’s reality show, being the face of Covergirl, starring in Pepsi commercials, and starting a clothing line for soccer mom’s for K-Mart that makes soccer mom’s wish they looked like her.

Fap Files: Older Women

Ever since I was a young boy I had a thing for older women. If you are between the age of 38 and 50 chances are we would get along great. It never helped that I never went through a “Ew, girls!” phase. My poor teacher Ms. Stewart didn’t stand a chance with my pervy little ass. I was recently watching a movie and saw an actress and said “I’d totally wreck her old ass.” And that inspired this weeks Fap File. Also, I am fully aware that I have not posted enough of these this year so it will now be a weekly thing to keep me on track. For a few weeks.

FAP FILES: Girls Of Salute Your Shorts

Growing up the channel Nickelodeon used to play shows for kids and teens that weren’t just strangely drawn cartoons. They had shows where chicks paraded around and it made my young sexless self very happy. I decided to compile a Fap File with chicks from Salute Your Shorts. These will contain before and after shots. Yes, some after pictures are a few years old but whatever. Its just proof that they improved.

FAP FILES: Carla Gugino Bionic Fap

I don’t know why but you people have made my Carla Gugino Fap Files my most popular blog ever. I know that she’s a hot woman but I had no idea that so many others agreed. I decided to do a bit more research about her and not just be a total creep and write about how so many of us wish that we could be married to her even though there’s no chance that most of us will ever get a chance to even give her a high five. See how classy I can be? I didn’t even say have sex with her. Just a sweet high five which are totally real things that you can do.

FAP FILES: Commercial Chicks

For those of you with the benefit of cable television you don’t really have to suffer through commercials every three minutes while watching a show. I don’t have cable so when I do happen to watch TV and get bombarded with ads. But then I try to find the silver lining which is the hope that a cute ass chick will pop up every once in a while. I have found the names of three such chicks.

FAP FILES: Elvira Mistress Of The Dark

Back when I was a kid there was this show that would come on Channel 9. I forget what it was called back then. Now its owned by Disney and called KCAL. And I know that they would never air this show now. It was called Movie Macabre and it was hosted by Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark. I’ve mentioned before that I never went through a phase where I went “Ew, girls!” I’m sure this was helped by the fact that every Saturday afternoon after watching bad kung fu films I got to see this fucking bombshell show terrible B-movies afterwards. She is this weeks Fap File entry and worthy of any amount of Kleenex you may use imagining she has any interest in you.

FAP FILES: Rosario Dawson

She who wins life. She who wins the internets. She who is the hottest woman and Fap File Of The Year! Rosario Dawson is the best everything that ever lived. I’ve stopped defending her against naysayer’s. I have had a thing for her ever since I was a teenager. I saw her in the movie Kids and immediately was like “Who is this and how can I live in her?” She is as far as I’m concerned the total package in terms of hotness, womaness, and coolness. She is what happens when you combine Puerto Rican, Afro-Cuban, Native American, and Irish blood. That could be a terrible dish to eat but for whatever reason creates a hot ass chick. I love how in that movie  Seven Pounds they tried to make her unattractive and like she was dying. I was like "Whatevs..." They're are gonna have to use some CGI and secretly place some foul smell under my seat to make me unhappy while looking at her. Either that or show me a photo of her and a new boyfriend. That never makes me happy.

FAP FILES: Salma Hayek

There are galaxies not as hot as this woman. This weeks Fap File entry Salma Hayek is definitely one of the most attractive women to ever live and I saved her for the end of the year on purpose. I didn’t wanna blow my wad too quickly…so to speak. I shouldn’t even have to tell people how good she looks. Just check out any photo of her. Even when she is “ugly” she’s hot. A while back some magazine printed pictures of her without makeup thinking that would do some damage to her hotness. That is like taking the Mona Lisa and putting it in an IKEA frame and saying it is no longer a beautiful work of art. Nice try. It didn’t work. Me and my wang are way smarter than that! A friend pointed out that her breasts are fake and I still don't believe it. Those things are my Santa Claus and they are still real to me, damn it! Logic and reason do not live in my apartment.

FAP FILES: Jennifer Tilly

This weeks entry into the Fap File is someone that has been super hot for years but for some reason seems to not get acknowledged unless she is in your face. And oh does she get in your face. Jennifer Tilly was born in Harbor City, CA to a Chinese father and White mother and she changed her name from Chan. I’d seen her in movies before but it wasn’t until a lesbian friend of mine showed me Bound that I was like “She looks so…smart.” Have you seen that movie? No?! Why do you even own eyes?! Its not like you’re using them. And there is nothing more frustrating than watching a film like this with someone you have no chance with. My penis actually sighed.

FAP FILES: Sucker Punch

Back when I first heard about the movie Sucker Punch I was like “Okay. Whatevs…” Then I heard the premise and my pants got tighter than my ass in prison. At least I hope my ass gets tight in prison. Either from fear or rage. What the hell was I talking about? Oh, yeah. So I watched a trailer for this movie and it was like they took everything I loved about life and decided to not only have a chick in it, but five of them. Sexually I don’t even know what that is. An orgy? Yeah, lets go with that. This movie was a visual orgy for me.

While watching the movie I saw a lot of things that rules. Steam powered Nazi zombies. Giant fighting robots. Samurais. Dragons. And crazy bitches all locked together in an asylum. And you know what happens when you lock crazy bitches up together?! They dance. I totally thought they would just start making out with or something. The first chick is played by I don’t care to look her name up. In the movie she is Babydoll. And by Cthulhu she’s hot! Even though she is almost the opposite of what I like in chicks (skinny, super blond hair, giant eyes) but for some reason it works on her. And look at that skirt! Apparently she does a dance so sexy it makes people cry. I cried. In my pants! A lot of people were pissed that they didn't actually show the dance in the movie. I didn't care. It gave me the chance to imagine what it could've been. I have never seen something so sexy that it moved me to tears. Maybe it just hasn't happened yet. God, I feel bad for whatever woman makes that happen to me. Its never a good thing when a man has a boner and tears rolling down his cheek.

FAP FILES: Trish Stratus

This weeks Fap File entry is former wrestler and current yoga goddess Trish Stratus. She started wrestling years ago and at the start wasn’t very good. I mean, compared to chick wrestlers nowadays she was putting on five star matches every week. Over time she got better to the point where her stuff was better than the dudes at the time. What the hell am I doing talking about wrestling for? This is about fapability! And Miss Stratus is quite fapable. I'm still not sure if I prefer her with blond hair or dark brown hair. Like it matters! See, you look at this picture and think its just for a photo shoot. Nope. She wears sexy ass outfits all the time. I mean yoga pants are the best thing since girls wearing pants that fall down and show their asscrack. God. That seriously is the best thing ever.

FAP FILES: Hot Daughters Of Celebrities

In my never ending quest to ensure I get to cut in line when I arrive in Hell, I decided to make a list of the Hot Daughters Of Celebrities. There were way more to find than I thought there would be. Some really unattractive actors have really cute daughters. A few that didn’t quite make my list were Liv Tyler, Mick Jagger’s daughter, and Clint Eastwood’s daughter. But I still have more than enough fap leftover. This Fap File is one for the ages.

Bria Murphy. This is the daughter of the used to be funny Eddie Murphy. I didn’t know that this girl existed until a few weeks ago. Turns out her mom is hot too. I have to give credit to Murphy for being able to pick hot chicks. And weak genes. Because this poor girl could’ve easily turned out looking like Charlie Murphy in a wig. She recently did a photo shoot for Maxim and Vibe Magazine where she looks the business! I give those titties four thumbs up! If you get that reference you win the internets for the day. I have no idea what she does for a living or whether or not she has a talent besides looking hot. She’s a hot chick so its not like she needs talent. I'm sure someone out there just said "That's not true!" to which I say "Tell me what the weather is like on Neptune when you finish riding your talking green pony."

FAP FILES: Carla Gugino

I totally forgot to do a Fap File the other day which is sad because you all would’ve missed the newest member to join a select group of female celebrities who have no idea how scared they should be that I find them attractive. Meet Carla Gugino. Even if you don’t know her name you’ve probably seen her in movies and TV. Karen Sisco, Sky Kids, Night At the Museum, Watchmen, Californiacation, Sucker Punch, and Entourage. And she has no problem whatsoever getting butt booty ass naked! How cool is that?! She survived being born in Florida and moved to Los Angeles until starting a modeling career at the age of 15.

FAP FILES: Women Of Saturday Night Live

There’s a thin line between being a funny chick and the one that wouldn’t shut the hell up at the party. Remember her? Damn, she would not shut her word hole the entire time. She thought she was the life of the party! God, she didn’t know how to take a hint. Oh, sorry. Flashbacks suck. Over the past few years the women on Saturday Night Live have been hot. If you look back through that shows history there have been more uggos than not. Forgiveness, Rachel Dratch. This is about looks, not humor. Otherwise she would be here along with Gilda Ratner.

FAP FILES: Hot Neighbors

As many of you know I have been a horndog since birth. I came out the womb looking for another one to occupy. That sentence alone guarantees that I will get a Fast Pass once I arrive in hell. This is a list of Hot Neighbors from TV shows. I’ll start off with Mrs. Rooper. I’m kidding! Willona Woods (heh…wood) from Good Times was a hot piece of ass. Look at ths picture. This is the real reason James had that heart attack. His wife was just quoting his last words of “Damn! Damn! Daaaaamn!” She would just come in the house when she felt like it. Hell, if I had a neighbor that looked like that and wore outfits like that I would never lock that door. I’d just lay around in my draws and wait for the magic to happen. You know folks didn't wear draws in the 70's. Its science.

FAP FILES: TV Moms

Last year I made a small list of hot mothers from TV. I left a lot of women out because, well, I’m a lazy son of a bitch. I could honestly make a list with at least ten different ladies but I wanted to go with the ones that were truly Fapable. So no you will not be seeing Carol Brady or the mom from Family Ties. This isn’t about nice or wholesome moms. This is about hot ass ones that usually had ugly husbands. You got your pants around your ankles? Good. Lets go!

Morticia Addams. The funny thing about her is that I didn’t want to see her without makeup. When I was younger I had a huge crush on Elvira and then one day I saw her in normal form and it totally killed my boner. Carolyn Jones who played Morticia was a rare exception. She was hot in either form. If you search for pictures of her there are a bunch showing Anjelica Huston who played her in a later film which was just ridiculous. That’s like getting Michelle Williams to play Marilyn Monroe in a film. Huh? You’re kidding. Okay. That’s totally happening.

FAP FILES: Stacey Dash

I first saw Stacey Dash in some bad old movies when I was younger. Then she popped up (amongst other things…) in Clueless back in 1995. Jesus, was it really that long ago that movie came out? Shit. She played a character named Dionne that was supposed to be 16 years old. She was 28! Stick that in your smoke and pipe it. Now, I know nowadays that’s nothing special. You look at old shows like Beverly Hills 90210 and the kids are obviously in the mid-30’s with 8 o’clock shadows. But I for reals thought that she was a teenager, not someone old enough to have one. Her ability to look Time in the face and go “Fuck you, I got other plans!” is one of the many reasons she is being inducted into The Fap File this week.

FAP FILES: That "Chick"

In a lot of films there are “That Chick.” The ones whose name you cant remember most of the time but they pop up because, well, they serve a purpose of being looked at. They have the ability to go from sexy to cute just by letting their hair down or taking their glasses off. They are single handedly responsible for ugly chicks thinking that a quick makeover can transform them into the hotness. Let me know if I left some chicks off this list. I know there’s more but I seriously cant remember their names.

Amy Smart. She’s been in a ton of movies as the main love interest and it has to be just because she’s super cute. I’m shocked at the photos of her that I saw on Google. Including the one I used. It doesn’t hurt that she looks like a goddamn cat which after a few of these Fap Files we’ve all come to realize that I have some strange obsession with women that look like felines yet I hate most of the women who have played Catwoman. Go figure. Ooh! There’s this one scene in Crank 2 where she fucks Jason Statham on a horserace track! Serio! The only reason to watch those movies is to watch her get banged to keep her man alive. I know she was in Road Trip which was a cool movie and she started stripping while one of the dudes was talking to his girlfriend on the phone.

FAP FILES: Cosby Show Girls

Anyone say something bad about this weeks Fap File gets punted in the throat. Yes, I am writing about two chicks from The Cosby Show. I grew up watching this show and had a crush on Keisha Knight Pulliam aka Rudy Huxtable. She had kinda vanished for years and then one day I saw her in a magazine (some Black men’s magazine that may have actually been Black Men’s Magazine…) I was like “Fra…ga…ma…crunch!!!” Rudy grew up hot! I’m like 99% sure she is tired of being called Rudy, but whatever. She didn’t even look like she had the potential to grow up as hot as she did. Maybe kinda cute but not like this. Strange that she is the same height as she was when I was little though. I think since I discovered her hotness I’ve seen her in a bad Tyler Perry movie and a rap video. That’s about it. Which sucks. Because she is hot. She needs to be in my pocket. I'm gonna write a movie just so I can be on set and harass her. Maybe she will discover this blog and be all like "Oh, strange man. I totally understand why you think I'm hot but I only date giant ass ball players!" That could totally happen and you all know it. This is how reality works for me.