FAP FILES: Elvira Mistress Of The Dark

Back when I was a kid there was this show that would come on Channel 9. I forget what it was called back then. Now its owned by Disney and called KCAL. And I know that they would never air this show now. It was called Movie Macabre and it was hosted by Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark. I’ve mentioned before that I never went through a phase where I went “Ew, girls!” I’m sure this was helped by the fact that every Saturday afternoon after watching bad kung fu films I got to see this fucking bombshell show terrible B-movies afterwards. She is this weeks Fap File entry and worthy of any amount of Kleenex you may use imagining she has any interest in you.

As a pervy child there was nothing to not like about Elvira. She was evil looking, had cleavage for days, and legs that went from here to there. I don’t know exactly where those places start and end but I do know what direction they passed through. My pants. With the giant beehive and dress that went almost to her hey now this was the perfect show for a young impressionable child to watch. And say if my parents wandered into the room while I was watching? “Oh, he’s just watching bad movies. I’ll leave him to it.” Damn, I really should’ve started fapping at an earlier age! They don’t show shit like this on regular TV anymore. I'm sure that nowadays they show way worse stuff for kids but back in the day this was as close to porn as it got. Unless you had that uncle that was bad at hiding his nudie mags. And we all had that uncle.

Though Elvira is one of the original deposits into the Spank Bank and just being entered into the Fap File, for years she was withdrawn. One day while watching a news show they interviewed her and she didn’t have on her costume. I saw the real lady, Cassandra Peterson, and while pretty she wasn’t Elvira. She wasn’t who I would fap to. It was like the day I saw Bettie Page old. But thanks to the internet I can look up whatever images I want of Elvira and remember a time when there were just three or four TV stations, TV went off the air with the National Anthem, and inappropriate shows for kids aired in the middle of the day.