FAP FILES: Sucker Punch

Back when I first heard about the movie Sucker Punch I was like “Okay. Whatevs…” Then I heard the premise and my pants got tighter than my ass in prison. At least I hope my ass gets tight in prison. Either from fear or rage. What the hell was I talking about? Oh, yeah. So I watched a trailer for this movie and it was like they took everything I loved about life and decided to not only have a chick in it, but five of them. Sexually I don’t even know what that is. An orgy? Yeah, lets go with that. This movie was a visual orgy for me.

While watching the movie I saw a lot of things that rules. Steam powered Nazi zombies. Giant fighting robots. Samurais. Dragons. And crazy bitches all locked together in an asylum. And you know what happens when you lock crazy bitches up together?! They dance. I totally thought they would just start making out with or something. The first chick is played by I don’t care to look her name up. In the movie she is Babydoll. And by Cthulhu she’s hot! Even though she is almost the opposite of what I like in chicks (skinny, super blond hair, giant eyes) but for some reason it works on her. And look at that skirt! Apparently she does a dance so sexy it makes people cry. I cried. In my pants! A lot of people were pissed that they didn't actually show the dance in the movie. I didn't care. It gave me the chance to imagine what it could've been. I have never seen something so sexy that it moved me to tears. Maybe it just hasn't happened yet. God, I feel bad for whatever woman makes that happen to me. Its never a good thing when a man has a boner and tears rolling down his cheek.

Next is Blondie who has some butt booty ass naked pictures of herself online if you care to look them up. Even though she is the snitch of the group she is cute as all get out. I think she might be three feet tall and qualify for dwarf benefits but I don’t care. She wore tiny ass outfits that made stuff that I like to look at hang out and that is good for everyone. Except anyone sitting near me in the theater that had to listen to me gasp and make strange noises while watching this. Which I did. And by the way tassels automatically make a girl go up a point in hotness. Too bad she got her brains blown out. I assume that her name is meant to be ironic or whoever was doing casting never made it up past her neck when checking her out. Honestly, I cant remember her doing anything successfully in the movie. She didn't even kill that damned dragon. She just got it more pissed off at her friends who were trying to steal that crystal from the baby dragons throat. It sounds like I've been drinking but this totally happened.

Up next is Sweet Pea. She’s the angry one. Why is she so angry? Maybe because she’s in a nuthouse run by a dude that sells them for sex. Or perhaps its because she forgot her pants. Yep. She wears a hooded coat with draws and that rules so hard you don’t even know. She gets out all her rage with mega violence but whatever. She looks hot as hell. She kept getting mad at everyone and each time I could just think “Someone needs a hug…” But like a totally inappropriately long hug. You know the kind where you hug a chick and try to rub every inch of your body on her? Yeah, you know the kind. And if you don’t that means you’ve received one. Sorry ladies. You’ve just got perv’d! There's a part where they are gonna steal the map from the zombie Nazi leader and this kid is sitting there looking miserable. Dude, if I'm surrounded by death and this chick walks up and looks at me I'd cheer right the fuck up! Suck it up, kid! So what you may end up with PTSD. At least you can say "Hey, did you see that chick that had no pants checking me out?"

Rocket is the sister of Sweet Pea which means she wont make out with her, you bunch of freaks. What’s wrong with you? This chick has been in a bunch of films but it wasn’t until this one where I saw her as attractive. She gets pinned down by some fat ass cook for stealing chocolate. Not even good chocolate, but bakers chocolate! And did I mention that she wears straps under her ass cheeks that make her butt lift up? Well now you know and when you see the movie that’s all you’ll think about. Butt lifts. I’m not even sure why she has the name she does. She never uses one. Ha! Like that even matters. She's getting hotter the older she gets. she shows Babydoll the ropes around the brothel and is nice enough to show her where they keep the warm, wet towels. You know why they have the towels? Please don't make me explain to you why they have towels in a brothel! Seriously, if you worked at a whorehouse you would pray to gods that don't even exist anymore for something to wash yourself off with!

Amber! Aah! Not even that into Asian chicks but for some reason this girl gets my tricycle going. That last sentence makes no sense and I don’t even care. My blood is pumping elsewhere right now. You should be happy that I can still use my fingers. She wears chaps and that is so nice of her to do. Girls don’t realize how easy guys (meaning me!) are to please. Just put on some chaps and suck on a lollipop and I’ll put it on your shoulder. There’s a scene where she’s all over this old bastard and I was like “Can I be his body double?” Previous Fap Filer Carla Gugino is the girls therapist which means she stands by why Mr. Blue has his way with them. Back to this dame. She gets to ride in a gigantic robot battle suit. You think she's gone and then all of a sudden she drops out the sky with her big ass guns and is like "Come on!" I cant remember if she died or not. I hope she didn't. That would suck. For my junk.