Theater Whore: The Sitter

I think the last film to make me not laugh as much as this one The Sitter was The Hangover. Starring Jonah Hill (Moneyball, Knocked Up, Superbad) is an asshole. There’s no other way to really describe his character. The movie starts off with him going down on a girl and not getting the same in return. He heads home and flops on the couch and his desperate mom asks if he can baby-sit for her friend. He gets a case of the guilties and agrees. So far the story has established that he is very unlikable.

He gets to the house and after checking out the mother’s tits he meets the kids. One boy is on a lot of medication for anxiety. The little girl is annoying as hell and wants to be famous. And the third kid is an adopted kid that likes blowing shit up with fireworks. Oh, I knew from here on in that this movie was gonna be bad and that every issue these kids had would be resolved. The father mentions that he knows of his previous DUI and tells him not to touch the car. I wonder what he’ll do? Surely he wont take the car when being specifically told not to…

So he gets a call from his not-girlfriend who asks him to get some coke. Not the drink but the drug. He agrees and heads to a drug dealers place run by Sam Rockwell (Iron Man 2, Matchstick Men, Moon). The pyromaniac kid steals a dinosaur egg filled with cocaine. Don’t ask. He has to get $10,000 or be killed. The little girl sharts (she actually says so) and while looking for new panties for her he bumps into the world’s angriest Black woman who remembers him from school as the guy who threw up in her grandmother’s urn. They head to anxiety kids friends house and steal about $3,000 before pyro kid starts an explosion. He bumps into this cute ass Black chick that knew him in school. Oh, and the angry Black chick is there as well! What the fuck, really?!

He ends up at a club full of Black people who are all violent looking. Method Man is dating the angry Black chick who punches the sitter in the face, thus making him cool to all the Black people. Oh, and that cute chick is there as well. What the hell is going on? They don’t live in a small town by the way. The sitter goes to his estranged father to ask for money. He wont give it to him so he steals his car and steals money and jewels from his jewelry shop. Mind you, the entire time all this shit is happening the kids are there dealing with their bullshit issues. Turns out the little girl just wants attention. The anxiety son is gay. And the pyro kid is just misunderstood.

They get pulled over by cops who steal all his money and he still has the drug dealer chasing him. Oh, and his not-girlfriend still wants the coke. He makes it to the party where she is and she makes him fight a guy she used to like. The kids beat him up. Oh, he’s a famous trained fighter by the way. Fast forward to the drug dealer being beaten by the Black people, the not-girlfriend recognizing her issues, the kids making it home in time to clean before the parents arrive, and the cute Black chick tracking down the sitter using the GPS the family used for pyro kid and everything ends well for everyone involved! Fuck this film for not being funny. I had such high hopes for it.