Like my decision to drink apple juice while eating anything knowing full and goddamn well what will happen and how the journey will end, I decided to watch
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1. Like I’ve mentioned before, I have
seen all of the Twilight films and liked them more than I hated them. But this film may have changed all of that. This movie could’ve been half as long as it was since most of it was just staring at one another. That and being forced to watch
Kristen Stewart attempt to look sexy. I’ve seen her in lingerie now. I cant un-see that!
I’m not gonna sit here and list the movie credits of the actors in this movie. I’ll stick with their character names, okay? So
Bella and
Edward are gonna get married and
Jacob is pissed like he always is. I mean, there have been so many girls I wanted to be with that didn’t like me. So, so,
so many! But you learn to move on. Four movies in and Jacob is still like “
No, he’s a vampire! He cant keep you warm like I can! Whaaah!!!” Bella’s like “
Whatevs…” and marries Edward even after having a honked up dream where everyone she knows is dead and she and Edward are standing over the mountain made of their corpses. Jacob skips the wedding but shows up at the end to make Bella feel like shit. They head to Brazil or some country that don’t speak
Ainglish and have sex. And by sex I mean he destroys a wall while fucking her!
The next day Edward feels bad because Bella has bruises all over her arms and stuff. For anyone reading this and are shocked by that…you are either a virgin or having the wrong kinda sex. There will be bruises at some point. Bella ends up pregnant at bionic speeds and starts dying since the baby is eating her alive. This leads to more crying from Edward and anger from Jacob.
Carlyle (
Edwards “father”) cant stop it and everyone is telling Bella that she is gonna die. Jacob’s like “
This is your fault, Edward!” and he’s all like “
I know, right?!” Meanwhile the werewolves are pissed because this violates all kinds of laws. Bella keeps getting sicker looking and I kept hearing people say how well they did the special effects for it. Those weren’t special effects. That’s how Kristen Stewart
always looks to me. Now all we have to do is wait for the birth of
Cthulhu.
 |
| "Not cool, dude." |
Jacob and a couple of werewolves leave the pack because they don’t wanna kill Bella. The werewolves actually talk to each other in their minds like
The Nothing from
The Neverending Story. One of the chicks that left the pack is hot! Wait. Let me check this girls age. Okay. She’s hot! Bella starts to feel better after drinking a lot of blood. All this time she is lying to her poor father about what is wrong with her and where she is. You would think he would swing by the
Cullen’s house and, I don’t know, talk to the new family his daughter has married into. Nope. He just has the same look on his face as he does in every movie. Bella ends up giving birth. Edward rips her stomach open and pulls out the baby. His “sister”
Rose sees blood and goes apeshit before coming back a minute later like “
I’m fine now. Give me the baby.” And he totally does.
The werewolves finally attack. I’d tell you how it looked but it was so damn dark I can only say that wolves were getting thrown into trees and the Cullens have apparently trained to fight by looking scared long enough for someone else to save them. Jacob had told the wolves that he was gonna kill the baby but when he sees it and looks into its eyes it turns out that he is “
imprinted” with it. This is what he thought he had done with Bella all this time. Bella is dead upstairs, the wolves cant fight anymore because of the imprinting, and everyone was wrong about everything the whole time. But wait…there’s more! Bella lives because Edward gave her the vampire serum and she wakes up with red eyes. I said “
Huh?!” way too many times while watching this. I don’t think I’m sticking around for part two of this. Seeing Bella trying to look sexy and beg Edward for sex made me shit out my eyes.
6 comments:
Ok, that review was actually way more entertaining than the film. And for the record, I liked the film. But I can't really argue with the review.
I saw it twice as my sister bullied me into going to see it with her again, and I think I will go see the last one just for the hell of it. I missed about ten minutes of this one the second time round as I accidentally punched my sister in the crotch and had to leave the theatre for a while to calm down from laughing and pissing everyone else off so I had forgotten the nightmare wedding scene. That was kind of cool.
Except...c'mon, Bella isn't THAT unattractive, is she...? OK, personally I think Taylor Lautner is the prettiest of the three leads, but that wouldn't be hard, I suppose. The appeal of Robert Whatsisname really is an enduring mystery to me.
How does crotch punching even happen? Was your sister thrusting her pelvis as she walked down the aisle?
And yes, Kristen Stewart/Bella is that unattractive. When the movie was being hyped last month she was all over the talk shows and magazines and they kept saying how sexy she is. Just because you put someone in some outfit that is sexy does not make the person sexy. I've proven that many times. I looked like the apes at the beginning of 2001 when I saw her in a bikini.
Robert Pattinson has a strange nose, caveman eyes, and a huge forehead. Yet chicks dig him. I dont know what is hot to women anymore. You are all weird.
The crotch-punching happened when we were sitting in the dark -I went to punch her thigh and missed. She accused me of being a 'feeler' which is probably only funny if you were once a ten year old girl who experienced the weird homophobic atmosphere of an all-female convent school. Assuming all of the nuns were in fact women.
Women are weird, some of us more than others. I never understood what was hot to other women anyhow. All I know is that I have excellent if slightly odd tastes. Same as in movies, books and music so whatever. Still, it's strange being the only straight woman in the world who adores George Clooney only for his brain. But then I don't get what men find attractive in women either. The appeal of Rihanna for example mystifies me. Men are weird.
Hmm. I agree with your sister. I think you are a feeler for sure. Sorry. Its science.
How can you not want The Cloon? Hell, I want The Cloon! Or just to smell his hand because of who he's dating. Yeah. I don't get the appeal of Rihanna either. That woman looks like she is in the process of transforming from a antelope into a human and is just too lazy to complete it. And women are way weirder than men. Crotch puncher.
So, Fangs, finally got rid of his acne problem and accidentally knocked up some girl from Tiger Beat? Well, I hope he scores the touchdown in the big Homecoming game. One things for sure he'll never be an accountant like his Dad!! No, he's young, got new ideas, real problems, and he's not gonna stop until everyone sees him dance the Lambada like it's never been danced before.
Goddamn it! There's no one named Fang in anything! You pulled that shit with me when I read The Vampire Academy. That was a good series by the way. No everybody Footloose!!!!
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