Celebrity Spank Bank 3

The year 2011 will not be remembered for all the bullshit Occupy Movements. It will not be remembered for all the natural disasters. It will not be remembered for the random celebrity deaths. No. 2011 will be remembered as the year the Celebrity Spank Bank took its hardest hits ever. Seriously, it lost so many actresses and singers to marriage and pregnancies. Babies have been cockblocking for years now and it needs to end. With all this in mind I decided that it was time for a brand new class to be entered into the Spank Bank. Click here to see the first one and click here to see the second.

Emily Browning. You all may know her from Sucker Punch or the part of my brain I keep locked away because I value freedom too much. She’s in the new Sleeping Beauty movie which I may not see since I hear its about girls being drugged up and old men in their draws staring at them. Why would I pay good money to see what I do on weekends? The scary thing about this chick is that she will get hotter the older she gets. She is being inducted because she has staying power and will not be having kids anytime soon. Thigh high socks are the super championship edition of life!

Elizabeth Olsen. Did you know there was an Olsen that wasn’t a twin or creepy looking? I didn’t either until recently and was quite happy to discover that she was way cuter than her sisters. Apparently her performance in Martha Mary May Marlene is tremendous but that doesn’t matter because this bank is not about talent whatsoever. She almost didn’t get into acting because of her sisters goofy ass eating disorders which would’ve sucked because then she wouldn’t be on the spank list of a creepy Black dude. Me.

Jamie Chung. Another cast member of Sucker Punch makes the list after recently being in a Fap File. She got her start on The Real World and has since moved over to movies successfully. Her personal life is the opposite of everything I like. She went to college, joined a fraternity, has bad taste in men according to her friends, and likes to party. But this ain’t about her life. Its about her looks. And she has them. By god does she have them. Almost 30 and since she is Korean she will look exactly like this for another fifteen years. Stereotyping FTW! Oh, don’t act like Asians don’t age well. We all know they do.

Jennifer Lawrence. You would have never guessed that the chick from Winter’s Bone (ha!) was this good looking. In that movie she is all kinds of busted and filthy. She gets a tooth knocked out just when you think her life cant get any worse. She’s gonna be in some movie based off some popular ass book called The Hunger Games. I think most actresses are playing that and not knowing. It was hard to find new deposits for the bank, people. I remember typing her name looking for an image for a movie review and saw the word “hot” and was like “You’ve gotta be joking.” Nope. She’s hot. Most chicks look better wet. Me? Not so much. I look like a freed slave.

Vanessa Hudgens. More Sucker Punch hotness! I swear if it wasn’t for that goddamn movie the bank would have had to close for the year. She is a child from the House Of Mouse (Disney) but that doesn’t hurt her cause. She is a mixture of everything racially. Irish, Native American, Manila Philippines, and Chinese-Filipino-Spanish. If that was a dish I wouldn’t go near it. But in the form of people it turns out very well. Most pictures of her make her look really bitchy or high maintenance. Its not like I’ll ever meet this girl or anyone on this list so that makes me no never mind.

Anne Hathaway. What I like most about her besides the fact that she has boobs that could stop wars and has been naked in films is that she always looks happy. She has a perpetual look of “I am having more fun than everyone in this room!” But in a good way. Not in the way your girlfriend has where she embarrassed you that one time at the office party. Jesus, man. We’re all still talking about that. She’s gonna be Catwoman in the new Batman film which is like the best reason ever to see a movie. Skin tight outfit wins the theaters next year which ensures that the bank will have multiple deposits in 2012. That alone should stp any deadly ass comet from striking the planet.

Taraji P. Henson. As the oldest entrant this year in the bank and the sexiest she continues to prove stereotypes like “Black don’t crack” are true. She’s over 40 years old and looks better than that little 23 year old skank you took home last weekend. Remember her? Yeesh. You fell asleep next to Halle Berry and woke up next to Precious. Oh, there was fist pumping alright. You trying to beat that beats off of you. This hotness was in Hustle & Flow where she looked all busted but in a way like some of the girls I grew up with where it was like “She’s gonna be hot if she cleans herself up.” She was also in Smokin’ Aces which is one of the coolest movies ever. She has this big ass gun that hits people and sends them flying across the room. Too bad she didn’t hit Ryan Reynolds. That asshole along with Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper have withdrawn from the bank in the last year than anyone! They are the 1%!!! And though she supports PETA (which I don’t) I still like her. She looks…smart.

Zoë Kravitz. I love how my first introduction to this girl was as a stripper in X-Men: Origins. Both of her parents are attractive so it would’ve sucked if she didn’t turn out all kinds of cute. She was dating Michael Fassbender and may still be which pisses me off to no end. I cant compete with that man. Have you looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I ever saw the ocean. Wait. I just discovered she is dating some other dude that was banging Blake Lively who is now banging Ryan Reynolds. Oh my god come on with the double dipping! Still she stays in the bank because her parents are famous and that means she may be silly enough to want the Black Snake Moan. That made absolutely no sense, did it?