The Review: Polar

Polar 3/10

Spoilers ahead all over the place. This felt rushed. I decided to watch Polar on Netflix because I hoped it would be interesting and also so Netflix would stop shoving it in my face. While watching this I kept on thinking about how it was edited and squinting at the screen. Then as the movie progressed and I was watching how it flowed and such I had to stop and check who directed this because either this was someone's first movie or they were not used to this whole directing thing and needed to work a few kinks out. A mostly music video director. Got it. Now that that was out of my system I felt better about how this just fell apart as it went on. This is about an assassin that is about to retire and collect his assassin pension. Turns out the folks he works for owe a lot of money so they have their killers sign over their shit so when they die the company gets paid. Convoluted. The start of this movie had me gasping with delight watching this woman in a bikini set up Johnny Knoxville before he gets shot a lot. By the way, the women in this movie are fucking beautiful in so many ways. Whatever you are into they got and by you I mean me. There is this Black chick that shows up later and I was like “Uh, I need to know more about her story, please?”

The Review: Spring Breakers

Spring Breakers is the movie Koko and I were supposed to watch a few weeks ago when we accidentally watched Spring Break from the 1980's. This is a very (spring break...) different movie. This is the tale of a director that wanted to have as many nude girls that looked 13 as possible on film. Koko enjoyed this film while I only liked the parts where James Franco was on screen as the rapper/drug dealer named Alien. He was awesome.

This is the story of one religious (spring break...) fuck up girl and her three sociopath friends that all really want to go to spring break because life is so hard when you're a hot young White chick. Three of them decide to rob a waffle place and get enough for their trip. They go and drink, do coke, smoke weed, and end up (spring break...) arrested at a party. By the way, this movie is full of mumbling. These girls can mumble their asses off. It turns out that the one with the worst acting (spring break...) and least attractive is the directors wife. Go figure. Alien ends up bailing them out of jail because he thinks they are special.

Celebrity Spank Bank 3

The year 2011 will not be remembered for all the bullshit Occupy Movements. It will not be remembered for all the natural disasters. It will not be remembered for the random celebrity deaths. No. 2011 will be remembered as the year the Celebrity Spank Bank took its hardest hits ever. Seriously, it lost so many actresses and singers to marriage and pregnancies. Babies have been cockblocking for years now and it needs to end. With all this in mind I decided that it was time for a brand new class to be entered into the Spank Bank. Click here to see the first one and click here to see the second.

Emily Browning. You all may know her from Sucker Punch or the part of my brain I keep locked away because I value freedom too much. She’s in the new Sleeping Beauty movie which I may not see since I hear its about girls being drugged up and old men in their draws staring at them. Why would I pay good money to see what I do on weekends? The scary thing about this chick is that she will get hotter the older she gets. She is being inducted because she has staying power and will not be having kids anytime soon. Thigh high socks are the super championship edition of life!