Theater Whore: Godzilla

Godzilla 8/10

When I heard that there was a Godzilla movie coming out I had a few things that I really wanted to happen in it. To me Godzilla is one of those characters that is a great idea but happens to be in films I don't like that much. Other examples of this are RoboCop (until the latest film), Batman (until the Christian Bale ones), and Superman. For me to leave the theater happy Godzilla had to look cool. I had to care about the human side of the story because in all the other films it usually boiled down tome going “Okay, where are the monsters punching each other?” because of weak characters. And lastly, his damned spine needed to light up.

Oh, there will be spoilers by the way.

I am happy to say that this movie accomplished these three goals! Me and my cousin Mala went to the Arclight on Sunset to check this out. We both made sure not to watch the 3D version because fuck that. Those things are too heavy and I already wear glasses. Double glasses are for window lickers. The movie starts off showing all the different nuclear bombs we have tested and used and it makes me wonder how this planet is still around. We're insane. 

15 years ago in 1999 Joe Brody played by Bryan Cranston head to work at a nuclear facility while their son stays at home. Joe is trying to warn people that shit is bad but of course no one really pays attention until the plant explodes. After sending his wife to go check some stuff out he has to watch her get trapped and die from radiation. The rest of his life is spent having the guilties and trying to find out the truth.

DVDiculous: Old Boy

It was hard to watch this Old Boy movie without comparing it to the original that came out eleven years ago. But I tried my best and gave it a shot. I just watched it as if Spike Lee made this original film that was nothing like any other he'd done before. I mean, I give Lee credit for stepping out. He has done a few films that if you didn't know it was him you'd think it was some new director. Films like The 25th Hour and Inside Man were incredible and unlike his other films except for that rolling camera thing he does. And yes he does it in this one and its silly.

And yes there will be spoilers. 

Josh Brolin's character is an asshole. Just totally unlikable until it gets to the point where I don't even want him to win. You know what? Fuck it. I'm comparing this to the old film. This movie holds your hand throughout it so much that I actually said “Get locked up already!” They show so much of him being a fuck up, bad businessman, bad father, alcoholic, and terrible human being that by the time he is taken and locked in that room for twenty years it seems better for society.

When Is It Okay To?: Dakota Fanning

In the latest issue of Glamour magazine Dakota Fanning is on the cover showing how sexy she now is. Now, as a man…legally…I’ve been known to have strange taste in women. There is no consistency to it. But I absolutely can not  look at Fanning as a sexual creature. I’ve watched her grow up on television since she had those bonkers teeth and had to wear false ones in films. Watching her turn 18 and suddenly start doing sexy photo shoots does nothing for my penis and for that I am happy. This is what I see when I look at Fanning.

Yeah. That’s not sexy. Now, I know that there have been plenty of other actresses that have grown up during my lifetime. Lindsay Lohan for example. The thing with Lohan is that I didn’t watch her grow up. To me she did Freaky Friday and then suddenly had tits. I think the only movie I’ve watched starring her was Mean Girls. Another is Tatyana Ali from The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air but she is around my age and we grew up together. Not, like, physically. Just in my mind.

Celebrity Spank Bank 3

The year 2011 will not be remembered for all the bullshit Occupy Movements. It will not be remembered for all the natural disasters. It will not be remembered for the random celebrity deaths. No. 2011 will be remembered as the year the Celebrity Spank Bank took its hardest hits ever. Seriously, it lost so many actresses and singers to marriage and pregnancies. Babies have been cockblocking for years now and it needs to end. With all this in mind I decided that it was time for a brand new class to be entered into the Spank Bank. Click here to see the first one and click here to see the second.

Emily Browning. You all may know her from Sucker Punch or the part of my brain I keep locked away because I value freedom too much. She’s in the new Sleeping Beauty movie which I may not see since I hear its about girls being drugged up and old men in their draws staring at them. Why would I pay good money to see what I do on weekends? The scary thing about this chick is that she will get hotter the older she gets. She is being inducted because she has staying power and will not be having kids anytime soon. Thigh high socks are the super championship edition of life!