The Review: A Prairie Home Companion

A Prairie Home Companion 8/10

I went to AFI Fest with Koko and this cutie the other day and got to see two movies. The first was A Prairie Home Companion directed by Robert Altman. I had zero idea what this movie was about though I had heard of it before. I thought maybe it was about a farm and dying horses or something. Seriously. I did not know when it was made or who was in it. I actually thought it was a much older film based on the title. I was wrong about a lot of this movie meaning everything.

Lindsay Lohan Is Still A Stupidface

Lindsay Lohan was arrested once again...and released. Click here to look at her old mug shots. This crazy ass dame is harder to keep in jail than your ass virginity. She took another mug shot and was released after accepting a plea deal for crashing her car. Which car crash by the way? There's more than one. She was booked, let go, and is now out in the world just waiting to do some stupid shit. She is a red headed little Cthulhu, just waiting to wreak havoc upon an unsuspecting society.

Lindsay was sentenced to five days in jail, 90 days in rehab, 30 days of community service, 18 months of psychological counseling, and a fine. Those five days are gonna be spent in a locked down rehab facility. She pleaded no contest to reckless driving and lying to the po-po who showed up on PCH. One of the charges, obstructing an officer was dropped because fuck you, she's famous. I don't suggest you try that unless you're stanky rich. Oh, you don't know what “stanky rich” is? That's fine. Its just very wealthy which Lindsay isn't either. She's just famous for making mediocre films and doing dumb shit. She's like a female Super Dave.

Hot Hillbilly Arrested

Let me start off by saying that I have never seen the show Buckwild on MTV. For starters I haven’t had cable in years. There’s also the fact that when I did have it that channel was near the bottom of must see TV. I’ve heard clips and reviews for it and its not something I’d ever actively watch. But I do have to say that there’s this Bengali chick named Salwa Amin on the show that is stupid hot. Why am I even writing about her? Because she got arrested.

The show is taped in West Virginia which is like Florida-Lite and she got popped for possession of oxycodone and heroin possession with the intent to deliver. That last part will make any sentence she gets even harsher…if she wasn’t known. We know famous people don’t do real jail time. Looking at you, Lindsay Lohan. I already know that some of you are saying “I’ve never heard of her. She’s not famous?”

When Is It Okay To?: Dakota Fanning

In the latest issue of Glamour magazine Dakota Fanning is on the cover showing how sexy she now is. Now, as a man…legally…I’ve been known to have strange taste in women. There is no consistency to it. But I absolutely can not  look at Fanning as a sexual creature. I’ve watched her grow up on television since she had those bonkers teeth and had to wear false ones in films. Watching her turn 18 and suddenly start doing sexy photo shoots does nothing for my penis and for that I am happy. This is what I see when I look at Fanning.

Yeah. That’s not sexy. Now, I know that there have been plenty of other actresses that have grown up during my lifetime. Lindsay Lohan for example. The thing with Lohan is that I didn’t watch her grow up. To me she did Freaky Friday and then suddenly had tits. I think the only movie I’ve watched starring her was Mean Girls. Another is Tatyana Ali from The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air but she is around my age and we grew up together. Not, like, physically. Just in my mind.

Remember When: Lindsay Lohan Was Hot?

Lindsay Lohan Is A Stupidface

Lindsay Lohan likes going to jail. At least that’s my educated guess. She recently got in trouble for violating her probation. The best part about her getting in trouble so much is that not only does it prove that if you’re known for being in terrible films and being drunk constantly you will not stay in jail, but that the justice system is a ridiculous whore that picks and chooses who it wants to fuck. I’m a dick so I decided to take all of Lohan’s mug shots and rate them. I’ve decided to include a court photo and this one from when she used to be attractive. I know right?! She was hot once. Its sad because its not like this is some 36 year old broad that has been around since I was a kid. She’s 25.