Monday, March 19, 2018

The Review: Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets

Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets 2/10

I just finished watching Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets on Amazon. This movie should have been called And Then Something Happened because I'm not even sure how to describe this messy ass film. Things happen, people run, and then something happens and they have to explain stuff, then something happens, and they run and shoot at other things. It stars Dane DeHaan as Major Valerian and his partner Sergeant Laureline played by Cara Delevingne. He wants to marry her even though she has a record of all the women he has banged and there is some aggressive flirting on his part but it seems super forced. Meanwhile in space space space...

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Gossip And Shit: 3/13/18

I know it has been a long ass time since I've done one of these but there is just too much nonsense happening and I felt like I could not keep up daily. So I won't try. I'll do these maybe once a week. Two if I'm feeling extra spicy nacho Bell Beefer with cheese. It is the return of Gossip And Shit!

Rapper Craig Mack passed away from congestive heart failure as reported by EMPD rapper Erick Sermon who was working on the former's latest album. Mack was 47 years old which is 80 in others races years. Seriously. My brother died of a heart attack at 32 so 47 seems miraculous to me. Black men making it to that age without major health issues is rare.

Julie Bowen of Modern Family fame is dealing with an ex husband that wants some of her long paper. She earns a reported $500,000 per episode of the show. He wants spousal support and joint/legal custody of their three kids. I have no idea what he does.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

The Review: Jessica Jones Season 2

Jessica Jones Season Two 1/10

This will be full of spoilers so if you have not watched this season or do not even care about spoilers then keep on reading. This is going to be a combination of The Review, You Had One Job, and 10 Reasons because I can't just write a review of this without it being full of complaints about this alleged hero series. Let me state that I loved the first season (click here to check that review out) and did not expect to. It did everything right and was super compelling. This second season is nothing like the first one in any way. Full disclosure: I am gonna shit all over this show. You may have watched this and loved it. You're allowed to do that, humans.

The Review: Road House

Road House 8/10

If I had seen Road House as a child chances are I would have tried to get into shape. The problem is that movies I grew up watching had buff ass dudes but they didn't get the girl. They just beat folks up. Not in this movie though. He gets the girl and even a car that blinks. I am getting way too ahead of myself. Robes settled on this for our viewing pleasure. I also dare you to make me put a spoiler warning for a movie that is damn near 30 years old! Go ahead. You know what I used to do to guys like you in prison?

Sunday, March 4, 2018

The Review: Black Mirror S4E2 "Arkangel"

Black Mirror Arkangel 8/10

This will have spoilers. Black Mirror is known for messing with my brain so much that I started spreading out when I watch episodes. It is not a binge show which most folks learn too late. I finally finished watching the episode titled Arkangel last night and was glad that I didn't feel greasy afterward. This episode starts with this mom named Marie played by Rosemarie DeWitt giving birth in a hospital. There are some complications for a moment but then her daughter is all fine. Later her daughter is a toddler and one day at the park she turns her back and her daughter is gone. She freaks the fuck out and eventually her daughter, Sara, is found. After this Marie is like “Never again shall I not know where my daughter is!” But she takes this shit to a whole 'nother level.

Saturday, March 3, 2018

Altered Carbon: Book Versus The Series

I recently watched the Netflix series Altered Carbon and a few days ago read the first book in the series of three. While reading the book there were certain parts that confused the hell out of me. When I read books I attach actors to the characters. This helps with reading quickly for me which is funny because when I write my own stories I never describe someone except for maybe what they are wearing. All these years later and no one but me even knows what Johnny Panic looks like. Other than how certain characters in Altered Carbon looked like and their attitudes being changed there are some characters completely left out, some combined, others with different sexes, and most made up entirely for the show.

I am going to try and think of some of the biggest differences between the book and the series. This isn't going to be a list of complaints, just things that would have been nice to know before reading so I didn't struggle so much trying to understand what was going on. I liked the first book though it dragged a bit a certain times and I liked the series for what it was. But I do think that if I had read the book first I would not have enjoyed the show nearly as much. This will be full of spoilers. Like...super full.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Theater Whore: Black Panther

Black Panther 10/10

There will be some spoilers. It has been so hard not to see or hear spoilers about this movie and waiting until I could see Black Panther with my cousin yesterday. This movie is fucking awesome. Its dazzling. I was sitting there with my mouth open too much to even take in everything that I was seeing on the screen. I will try not to bounce around too much but I'm sure I will because that is how I am in writing and conversations. This starts off with the telling of five tribes that would one day form the nation of Wakanda. It is done with this cool ass sand animation and gives hundreds of years of history in about two minutes. There. I have gotten upset with movies in the past doing this exact thing but the way it was handled here worked perfectly. All five tribes huddle up except the Jabari Tribe who decide to post up in the snowy mountains. These people all use vibranium (which is what Captain America's shield is made of) and have ultra advanced technology while to the rest of the world they look like regular ass Africans. It's cool.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

The Review: Altered Carbon

Altered Carbon 9/10

There will for sure be some spoilers. Holy shit damn balls! What a strange show Altered Carbon was! I had not even seen a trailer for this. All I knew about this show is that it had a creepy ass moving billboard near my bus stop and that it was on Netflix. That's it. After a coworker suggested it who has great taste in TV shows I checked out the first episode and was immediately baffled by everything that I was seeing. I am still trying to figure out how to even write a review about the entire season because it bounces between the future-future and future-past.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

The Review: Black Mirror S4E1 "USS Callister"

Black Mirror USS Callister 9/10

I have decided to try something different. Normally when I watch Black Mirror I wait until I am done with the entire season before I write about it. With this current fourth season I am gonna cover them one at a time instead of being late as hell with my reviews (click these for reviews of season one, two, and three). The first episode of this season USS Callister was very different from previous episodes which I had no problem with. Two of the six from the previous season stunk so I am fine with a change of pace. This one starts off weird as hell. It is like some bootleg Star Trek with Captain Robert Daly played by Jesse Plemons and his crew. They are about to get jacked by an alien spaceship but with some dangerous orders are able to avoid death. Meanwhile in the real world...

The Review: The Cloverfield Paradox

The Cloverfield Paradox 2/10

I just finished watching this new Netflix movie that I discovered existed by accident called The Cloverfield Paradox and it is not good. There will be some spoilers. In case you are wondering it is connected to the Cloverfield universe like 10 Cloverfield Lane which I enjoyed. The first Cloverfield movie gave me motion sickness and Lane was really good. The funny thing about that and this movie is that there is no actual need for it to be connected to Cloverfield whatsoever. They could have and should have been their own movies but for some odd reason they are shoehorning these monster aliens into these movies and making them kinda worse.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

The Review: Black Mirror Season Three

Black Mirror Season Three 7/10

I finally got around to finishing season three of Black Mirror. The first season (click here to check that review out) was incredible even though it is hard to get people to watch since the first one is the most extreme I have seen so far. Seriously, people. No other episode is like that one! Season two was also really good (click here to check that one out) so I was really looking forward to it. I was not aware that there were six episodes and that made me nervous it turns out for good reason. Out of the six two of them were stinkers and now I am not in a rush to check out the fourth season. There will be some spoilers.

Nosedive is the first episode in this season and it had me going nuts. For people that do not now, I do not use cell phones and have never owned one. Not for any social or rebellious reasons. I just never needed one (except maybe twice a year when the bus decides to not show up). This stars Bryce Dallas Howard as Lacie Pound. In this world she has a rating of 4.2. What this is is a rating system that everyone has. The higher your rating the more things you do like get invites, better jobs, and just a general better social standing in the community. You can rate anyone and they can rate you which leads to everyone being super polite and phony with one another. You know that fake customer service voice you hear on the phone or the greeting when shopping? Imagine that everywhere you go because no one wants a bad rating. If you are even seen talking to someone with a low rating yours can be affected.

The Review: Godzilla Planet of the Monsters

Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters 8/10

You are a problem!” That is a direct quote from me while watching Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters on Netflix. This was the first of a scheduled three films for this year which is super cool because I really enjoyed this movie. This was the first time I have ever looked at Godzilla and wanted it to lose or recognized it for the huge issue that it is. I know that sounds stupid since it is a giant monster that attacks cities and fights monsters when the monsters attack cities because Godzilla seems to want to be the only one that gets to do this like a bratty ass child. I see Godzilla and think “Laser breath! Glowing spine! Roar!” I don't think “Holy shit, that is a massive amount of radiation poisoning...”

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Theater Whore: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri 10/10

Tonight Cam and I headed to The Arclight to check out Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. I'd wanted to see this earlier this year and found out it wasn't coming out till way later. If I had seen this sooner I would have easily added it to my Best Movie Of 2017 list. This is one of those movies that looks really dark but has some funny parts but turned out to be an actual dark comedy. It helps that there was an old lady in the theater meowing and making spooky sounds randomly. Sounds terrible but that shit was hilarious. Seriously. One of the best parts of going to movies is looking at other movie goers. The theater was pretty packed but we had some good seats because I am a professional seat picker.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

The Review: Goon Last Of The Enforcers

Goon Last Of The Enforcers 6/10

I had no idea that the movie Goon Last Of The Enforcers had been added to Netflix. I really liked the first movie so I decided to check this one out. It has the same cast as last time which was cool like Seann William Scott, Liev Schreiber, Alison Pill who I have an odd crush on, and Jay Baruchel. Baruchel actually helped write this and produced and directed it. The story for this one is that Doug “The Thug” Glatt played by Scott is still doing his thing kicking folks asses on ice but being super polite about it getting his own ass beat for the first time and suffering concussion symptoms and an arm injury. His now wife played by Pill is pregnant now so it is time to figure some shit out with his life.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Worst Movies Of 2017

Man, when they decided to make bad movies this year they went all the hell out. Usually when I make my list at the end of the year there are a lot of in the middle films that I give 5's and 6's to. Not in 2017. Movies were either great like in my Best Of 2017 list or super stanky like in this Worst Movies Of 2017. This was the year of making things no one asked for. Here is my list of movies that I wasted my time on the past year. I'll be making some sort of list of TV shows I watched the past year.