Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Theater Whore: Black Panther

Black Panther 10/10

There will be some spoilers. It has been so hard not to see or hear spoilers about this movie and waiting until I could see Black Panther with my cousin yesterday. This movie is fucking awesome. Its dazzling. I was sitting there with my mouth open too much to even take in everything that I was seeing on the screen. I will try not to bounce around too much but I'm sure I will because that is how I am in writing and conversations. This starts off with the telling of five tribes that would one day form the nation of Wakanda. It is done with this cool ass sand animation and gives hundreds of years of history in about two minutes. There. I have gotten upset with movies in the past doing this exact thing but the way it was handled here worked perfectly. All five tribes huddle up except the Jabari Tribe who decide to post up in the snowy mountains. These people all use vibranium (which is what Captain America's shield is made of) and have ultra advanced technology while to the rest of the world they look like regular ass Africans. It's cool.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

The Review: Altered Carbon

Altered Carbon 9/10

There will for sure be some spoilers. Holy shit damn balls! What a strange show Altered Carbon was! I had not even seen a trailer for this. All I knew about this show is that it had a creepy ass moving billboard near my bus stop and that it was on Netflix. That's it. After a coworker suggested it who has great taste in TV shows I checked out the first episode and was immediately baffled by everything that I was seeing. I am still trying to figure out how to even write a review about the entire season because it bounces between the future-future and future-past.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

The Review: Black Mirror S4E1 "USS Callister"

Black Mirror USS Callister 9/10

I have decided to try something different. Normally when I watch Black Mirror I wait until I am done with the entire season before I write about it. With this current fourth season I am gonna cover them one at a time instead of being late as hell with my reviews (click these for reviews of season one, two, and three). The first episode of this season USS Callister was very different from previous episodes which I had no problem with. Two of the six from the previous season stunk so I am fine with a change of pace. This one starts off weird as hell. It is like some bootleg Star Trek with Captain Robert Daly played by Jesse Plemons and his crew. They are about to get jacked by an alien spaceship but with some dangerous orders are able to avoid death. Meanwhile in the real world...

The Review: The Cloverfield Paradox

The Cloverfield Paradox 2/10

I just finished watching this new Netflix movie that I discovered existed by accident called The Cloverfield Paradox and it is not good. There will be some spoilers. In case you are wondering it is connected to the Cloverfield universe like 10 Cloverfield Lane which I enjoyed. The first Cloverfield movie gave me motion sickness and Lane was really good. The funny thing about that and this movie is that there is no actual need for it to be connected to Cloverfield whatsoever. They could have and should have been their own movies but for some odd reason they are shoehorning these monster aliens into these movies and making them kinda worse.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

The Review: Black Mirror Season Three

Black Mirror Season Three 7/10

I finally got around to finishing season three of Black Mirror. The first season (click here to check that review out) was incredible even though it is hard to get people to watch since the first one is the most extreme I have seen so far. Seriously, people. No other episode is like that one! Season two was also really good (click here to check that one out) so I was really looking forward to it. I was not aware that there were six episodes and that made me nervous it turns out for good reason. Out of the six two of them were stinkers and now I am not in a rush to check out the fourth season. There will be some spoilers.

Nosedive is the first episode in this season and it had me going nuts. For people that do not now, I do not use cell phones and have never owned one. Not for any social or rebellious reasons. I just never needed one (except maybe twice a year when the bus decides to not show up). This stars Bryce Dallas Howard as Lacie Pound. In this world she has a rating of 4.2. What this is is a rating system that everyone has. The higher your rating the more things you do like get invites, better jobs, and just a general better social standing in the community. You can rate anyone and they can rate you which leads to everyone being super polite and phony with one another. You know that fake customer service voice you hear on the phone or the greeting when shopping? Imagine that everywhere you go because no one wants a bad rating. If you are even seen talking to someone with a low rating yours can be affected.

The Review: Godzilla Planet of the Monsters

Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters 8/10

You are a problem!” That is a direct quote from me while watching Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters on Netflix. This was the first of a scheduled three films for this year which is super cool because I really enjoyed this movie. This was the first time I have ever looked at Godzilla and wanted it to lose or recognized it for the huge issue that it is. I know that sounds stupid since it is a giant monster that attacks cities and fights monsters when the monsters attack cities because Godzilla seems to want to be the only one that gets to do this like a bratty ass child. I see Godzilla and think “Laser breath! Glowing spine! Roar!” I don't think “Holy shit, that is a massive amount of radiation poisoning...”

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Theater Whore: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri 10/10

Tonight Cam and I headed to The Arclight to check out Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. I'd wanted to see this earlier this year and found out it wasn't coming out till way later. If I had seen this sooner I would have easily added it to my Best Movie Of 2017 list. This is one of those movies that looks really dark but has some funny parts but turned out to be an actual dark comedy. It helps that there was an old lady in the theater meowing and making spooky sounds randomly. Sounds terrible but that shit was hilarious. Seriously. One of the best parts of going to movies is looking at other movie goers. The theater was pretty packed but we had some good seats because I am a professional seat picker.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

The Review: Goon Last Of The Enforcers

Goon Last Of The Enforcers 6/10

I had no idea that the movie Goon Last Of The Enforcers had been added to Netflix. I really liked the first movie so I decided to check this one out. It has the same cast as last time which was cool like Seann William Scott, Liev Schreiber, Alison Pill who I have an odd crush on, and Jay Baruchel. Baruchel actually helped write this and produced and directed it. The story for this one is that Doug “The Thug” Glatt played by Scott is still doing his thing kicking folks asses on ice but being super polite about it getting his own ass beat for the first time and suffering concussion symptoms and an arm injury. His now wife played by Pill is pregnant now so it is time to figure some shit out with his life.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Worst Movies Of 2017

Man, when they decided to make bad movies this year they went all the hell out. Usually when I make my list at the end of the year there are a lot of in the middle films that I give 5's and 6's to. Not in 2017. Movies were either great like in my Best Of 2017 list or super stanky like in this Worst Movies Of 2017. This was the year of making things no one asked for. Here is my list of movies that I wasted my time on the past year. I'll be making some sort of list of TV shows I watched the past year.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Best Movies Of 2017

This was a rough ass year for movies. I was only able to come up with ten films. Movies were either really awesome or just terrible. This is going to be my list of The Best Movies Of 2017 and you will notice that a lot of them are superhero based ones. That is not my fault. Blame movies just not being good enough or Oscar bait. If I see Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, Steven Spielberg, or Glenn Close I yawn and say I'll watch it later because I know what is going on. They cram these movies into the end of the year so people go “Oh, this movie is amazing!” meaning “This movie just came out and I remember it!” Let me stop. I'll be ranting about that the closer it gets to the awards. Here is my list. Feel free to disagree and be wrong. All titles are links to my original reviews.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

The Review: Wormwood

Wormwood 9/10

I decided to check out this short series on Netflix called Wormwood and I can't even tell you why exactly but I am so glad that I did. This is a mixture of documentary, movie, and holy shit the government is terrifying. This is the story of a guy named Eric Olson who is trying to find out if his father Frank Olson who was a CIA employee who was part of an experiment called MK Ultra which consisted of drugging agents with LSD killed himself by jumping from a window or if he was killed. Peter Sarsgaard plays Frank in flashback scenes. This features interviews with people involved, investigators, and lawyers as they try to figure out what the fuck really happened.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

The Review: Bright

Bright 1/10

This movie is a mess. There will be spoilers. I just finished watching the Netflix movie called Bright and am trying to figure out how they could make a movie about orcs living in present times kung fu elves could be this whack. This should not have been a two hour movie. This has so much shit happening and history that it absolutely needed to have been at least a three season show. Will Smith is a cop along with his partner played by Joel Edgerton who is an Orc cop. I guess two thousand years ago Orcs and humans fought together is some great battle but humans still treat Orcs like shit.

Friday, December 22, 2017

You Had One Job: DC Cinematic Universe

$675 million worldwide does not sound bad. If I did anything that made that much money I'd be singing the songs of my people and crippling strippers with stacks of money. But that huge amount is actually terrible when you take into account Justice League stars Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman...and the rest. This is their tent pole film that is supposed to springboard many other films in the DC cinematic universe. To put this into perspective, Doctor Strange made $677 million worldwide. Yeah. A movie about a character that people kinda know that had no build up. There was no Strange in Avenger films to give some sort of backstory. In reality Justice League should have made a billion dollars or more. Deadpool cost $58 million and made $783 million.

The Review: Ash Vs Evil Dead Season 2

Ash Vs Evil Dead Season Two 10/10

There will be some spoilers. Thank god they added Ash Vs Evil Dead Season 2 to Netflix because no one has Starz! I ran through the second season in a few days and could not believe that it was better than the first season which I loved. This show is so damned well made and you can tell that the people involved, besides the people that were in the originals, love being a part of it. Every is into what they are doing and giving 100%. You know how on some shows there seem to be people that are all in? This is not one of those shows. This show is so fucking fun to watch and I am glad that next year there will be another season.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Theater Whore: Geostorm

Geostorm 2/10

I watched the movie Geostorm after laughing at the trailer a while ago. It is about someone using satellites that are in space to control our weather because we fucked the planet up and turning them into a weapon. Gerard Butler who designed the system called Dutch Boy for reasons, is told by his brother to go up there and fix that shit. His daughter who is a smart ass is upset and he promises not to die. This movie is pretty much watching a story try to happen while watching deserts turn to ice and beaches get jacked up. Seriously, there is a scene in Brazil where this hot woman runs from the now frozen beach, exploding buildings, and a plane that falls out of the sky. She lives because she is hot.