The Review: The Long Walk

The Long Walk 3/10

This is not going to be very long because I don't have too much to say about a movie that has such a basic plot. I ended up splitting this into two parts because I was waiting for it to improve and it just did not because the movie is what it is: a long walk. So the basic premise is that 50 boys from every state in America are picked and they have to keep a pace of three miles an hour and if they go slower than that after a few warnings they are shot and killed. The reason they are doing this is because the winner gets to make a wish. The story mainly focuses on one of the kids and I think the biggest surprise of this movie was how it ended. I believe I would have enjoyed this more if I had seen previous winners and/or what they receive for their wish. I wonder what is not allowed as a wish. I wonder what happens if you don't make a wish. How long until you have to make a wish? I didn't know enough about the characters or the history of this program to really care so when it ended I just shrugged. It is just “Hi, my name is Victim 12! I am gonna wish for money! Ow! My foot hurt!” Bang!!! This could have been a segment on a anthology series.

Cooper Hoffman as Raymond "Ray" Garraty

David Jonsson as Peter "Pete" McVries

Garrett Wareing as Billy Stebbins

Tut Nyuot as Arthur "Art" Baker

Charlie Plummer as Gary Barkovitch

Mark Hamill as the Major

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The Review: Good Boy

Good Boy 7/10

So last week L and I watched three movies. I watched one that she had already seen before. Out of all of them this was my favorite one. This is about a dog named Indy. All I knew about this movie was that it was a ghost story told through the perspective of a dog. I had already seen a movie that I really liked that was told through the perspective of a ghost so I was interested on how they were going to do this one. So there's this dude named Todd and we don't even see his face until the end of the movie that has a lung disease. For the longest time I thought he was a drug addict or something. Turns out that's not the case. The movie starts off with him just sitting up on his couch bleeding and this poor dog just staring at him until Todd's sister shows up and he goes to a hospital.

The Review: The Last House

The Last House -2/10

Greta Lee as Ann

Wagner Moura as Jason

Riley Chung as 8-Year-Old Ruth

Emma Ho as 13-Year-Old Ruth

Arden Cho as adult Ruth

Noah Alexander Sosnowski as 12-Year-Old Graham

Gabriel Chung as 17-Year-Old Graham

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The Review: Strung

 Strung 0/10

Chloe Bailey as Laila Calloway

Lynn Whitfield as Audra Jelani

Lucien Laviscount as Marcus Walker

Anna Diop as Imani Walker

Coco Jones as Jasmine

Romy Woods as Zuri

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The Review: Another Man's Wife

Another Man's Wife 0/10

So this past weekend we managed to watch two terrible movies. Another Man's Wife. It's about this guy who's crazy rich. He's a tech guy and he created a dating app. Next we have a couple named Maya and Shawn. Shawn works making video games (which to me at this point seems like a job that's not going to exist in like two years). Maya, I am not sure what job she has but it involves fundraising. Seriously sitting here right now I am not sure what this woman does for a living. So Shawn heads the work and he finds out that he's getting laid off because of the competition. He decides not to tell his wife about this. Oh, and he finds out that his mother has cancer. What kind of cancer does she have? They don't say. How long does she have to live? They make it seem as if she doesn't get treatment in an hour she's going to die. Meanwhile Maya got a promotion. She is having the best day ever and she gets home and Shawn is like “Oh my mama dying.” She feels terrible for him.

The Review: Mortal Kombat 2

Mortal Kombat Two 0/10

I am not going to waste my time writing a lot about this movie. I love the 90s version of Mortal Kombat. I've even liked some of the animated films. The one that came out a few years ago was far better than it had any right to be. But this one I was worried about even from seeing the trailer. So I watch this yesterday and was so disappointed. The acting, the special effects, and the story were absolutely trash. I am not sure why they took such a huge step back from the previous film and making this one but it sucks. I have zero desire to see the upcoming Street Fighter film. I'm not sure what they need to do to make Mortal Kombat a watchable film other than duplicate what they did in the first one and enhance it.

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Sitting In The Aisle: Spider-Man Brand New Day

Spider-Man Brand New Day 7/10

So I just watched the latest Spider-Man. Three people I know told me that I needed to see this movie and I was on the fence about it since I first saw the trailer. I tend to judge these movies based on how many goosebumps I get and I didn't get any watching it. The main reason is because of that Doomsday movie that's coming out later this year. To me there are no stakes because people can be brought back from other realities or just brought back to life. I used to read comic books all the time and I know that this happens in those, but with the films I actually like that there seem to be some form of permanence with these characters deaths. For as sad as it is that Aunt May died in December we can see her come back to life. So while watching this movie I did enjoy it but there was just a cloud of doubt that anything that actually happened in his film would have stakes.

The Review: Obsession

Obsession 1/10

This is a video/audio version of my review for the movie Obsession. I had to do it this way because I was full of far too many complaints to type it out.

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The Review: They Will Kill You

They Will Kill You 3/10

Okay. So when L and I watched this I knew who was starring in it and as the movie began had some basic idea of what it was possibly about. Woman named Asia and her younger sister we thought was her daughter are on the run from their abusive father. He finds them at a store and as he is about to capture them Asia shoots him and he grabs the younger sister Maria. Asia is like "Deuces!" and leaves her sister behind. Years later Asia been in and out of jail I guess and learning every fighting technique known to man. She gets into this place called The Virgil by stealing someone's identity.

The Review: Project Hail Mary

Project Hail Mary 9/10

Spoilers! This movie was so damn good. There are movies like this that come out maybe once every two years that make me go “Damn, I wish I had seen this in a theater!” or “I am so glad movies exist.” This movie is told out of order filling in blanks which L and I were thankful for because I kept wondering “Why is a teacher on a shuttle?” Yes. I watched Challenger blow up decades ago in school and there was a teacher on it. Shut it. Plus, this teacher Ryland Grace absolutely didn't want to go to space. He wasn't a science teacher that dreamed of one day heading into the cosmos. I should probably talk about what the plot of this movie is. I seriously was gonna just keep writing like a weirdo.

The Review: Ready Or Not 2 Here I Come

Ready Or Not 2 Here I Come 4/10

Last weekend L and I watched Ready Or Not 2. I liked the first one and was confused that there was even room for a sequel. Turns out that was very much the case with this. It didn't need to be made much like how I felt with Megan 2. This starts immediately after the first movie with Grace sitting on the steps of the burning mansion. Police arrive and she faints and wakes in the hospital. She is handcuffed to the hospital bed and covered in injuries. Her sister shows up. Yes, she has a sister. Now this sucks and I wish they hadn't added this character. Her name is Faith. Just realized that I didn't like this actress because she was in Ant Man and The Wasp and Abigail. I feel better now. Seriously couldn't figure out why she bugged me.

Sitting In The Aisle: Masters Of The Universe

Masters Of The Universe 10/10

Spoilers. I know that I am writing this review based off of a lot of my own personal feelings and I super don't care because I got to see a cool ass He-Man movie that had everything I wanted and more. As a kid He-Man was one of my favorite cartoons. I had random toys (Ram Man being the best one) and have made dozens of Perler designs from the series. Dressed as Skeletor for Halloween once. When I was little there was a movie made and even back then I knew that movie was ass garbage from a human butt. So when this was fist announced I was nervous and then I saw the trailer and got all kinds of hype about it. L. and I went to see this at The Grove which I had not seen a movie at in a lot of years. And why I was there I managed to get a Skeletor bucket and He-Man cup that will be displayed. Should talk about the movie some.

The Review: Send Help

Send Help 8/10

L suggested this movie after she spotted it on Hulu. I hadn't heard of this movie whatsoever and ended up really enjoying it. This lady named Linda Liddle is weird. In movies they have weird people who are quirky and such, but she is beyond that. Like, you wouldn't wanna be around her for long. She looks like she smells like whatever she ate. At work everyone ignores her. Her boss passes away and she was promised a promotion but is passed up for this asshat that takes credit for all her work. Her new boss is Bradley who is the son of the guy that passed away. She confronts him about this and he pretty much shits on her and tells her to stop eating her tuna sandwiches at her desk cause of smells. She walks to her car and cries.

The Review: Highest 2 Lowest

Highest 2 Lowest DNF/10

L and I watched this. Well we tried. Made it half an hour until she started letting me know where the story was headed and we made the decision to stop watching knowing there was two more hours to go. David King runs a music business that is failing but he wants to bet on himself. Literally. Fuck having a wife and child and a ton of expenses. “Hey, honey. Sold everything to have major share in my company. Byyyye!” His wife looks considerably younger than him which was jarring. Looked up age differences and he is about my parents age while she is close to my younger cousins age. Basic story is son gets kidnapped and ransomed but wrong kid is taken and he is like “Not my boy so, pffft!” but its his friends son. We read rest of take and glad I didn't finish this. The music was annoying as hell and long. People were acting all over the place. Some stage acting. Others movie acting. Some like a telenovella. Heavy handed dialogue and camera usage. Just a bummer of a movie.

Denzel Washington as David King

Jeffrey Wright as Paul Christopher

Ilfenesh Hadera as Pam King

ASAP Rocky as Archie/Yung Felon

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The Review: Greenland 2 Migration

Greenland 2 Migration 0/10

Last year L was going through an apocalyptic phase and we watched some movies and TV shows. We watched the first Greenland movie (click here for that nonsense) and months later she found out that they had the nerve to make a sequel. The movie came and went (no one saw it in theaters) and then it popped up on streaming to ruin my day. This movie takes place five years after the last one (even though the son was 7 and is now 15). At the end of the first one they open the bunker doors and you hear birds and shit and its like “Ah, the storm has passed.” And by storm I mean a big ass comet that wiped out 75% of civilization. It would be so much easier to get to work...

The Review: Swapped

Swapped 8/10

Spoilers!!! Last weekend L suggested this movie Swapped. I had never heard of it and chances are wouldn't have even checked it out because as I always say, it takes a lot for me to get into new animated movies. So glad we watched this one. This is about this little critter called a Pookoo named Ollie. He and his mother, father, and grandma live on this little island. Since he was little Ollie has been curious. Like, way too curious. Dangerously curious I would say. His father is like “Don't trust anything because everything will try to kill you!” He was super right by the way. His grandmother tells the story of how everyone lived together and these giant tree creatures called Dzo showed up and gave everyone the ability to be what they wanted. A firewolf showed up and started killing and burning them all.

The Review: Balls Up

Balls Up 6/10

L and I watched this crazy ass movie after she was intrigued by the premise. I am not a fan of the comedian in this but think it worked because he played more of the straight man between the two. Doing this from memory because Wiki didn't even bother to have a description. This is about a guy at an advertising agency named Elijah who creates this new condom that also covers your balls. They want to get a deal at the World Cup. Brad jumps in and changes the name which people like better. They head to Brazil and end up scoring the deal and go out to celebrate. While doing so Brad convinces the guy to have a drink though he is 9 years sober. This man gets drunk, does coke, and ends up swinging around the bar butt naked but not before giving them passes to the game soon. Brad and Elijah are fired and another company gets the deal.

The Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Mutant Mayhem

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Mutant Mayhem 9/10

It takes a certain style of art and humor for me to be into any new animated movie. Some I look at it and go “Meh” or “That bothers me” and I won't watch. But after Ro suggested this after seeing that I have made a ton of turtle based designs said I would enjoy this. When I say this movie got me from the start I mean it. A damned ninja turtle movie started off with “Ante Up” by MOP! By the way, the music in this is incredible. The ones they use and the original soundtrack. This movie was delightful as fuck.

The Review: Crime 101

Crime 101 DNF/10

Guess I need to write something about this wack ass movie. L and I watched this and made it an hour in with too much to go. We were so uninterested in what this was and where the story was going. Probably the most boring heist based movies I have ever seen in a world where I have seen heist movies where you never see it happen. So this dude Mike is a jewel thief. He also wants to change up his life. He handler knows this and starts handing the jobs off to another guy who is violent and stupid. A detective is hunting him down and his department no longer has faith in him neither does his wife. Then there is an insurance broker named Sharon. There lives all collide at some point but that happens after I stopped watching. I could not care less about the way this ended (looks up ending). Yeah, I'm glad I didn't finish this. Nice cast full of MCU actors and actresses but this shit was dull.

Chris Hemsworth as Mike/James Davis

Mark Ruffalo as Det. Lou Lubesnick

Barry Keoghan as Ormon

Halle Berry as Sharon Combs

Monica Barbaro as Maya

Nick Nolte as Money

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The Review: Ballerina

 

Ballerina 2/10

Spoilers. I really don't have all that much to say about this movie. I watched it yesterday and it felt like I was just watching people practice for an action film is a really expensive way. All the effects and such were there but this story just felt so...blah. I am not sure why I didn't connect to the character of Eve because I like the actress that played her. I liked a lot of the people in this. But in the end it just felt like a cash grab just riding off the tailcoat of John Wick who even shows up in this and if not for his help and mercy the main character would have died. I should mention the story. Little girl dad gets killed and she escapes and grows up for revenge hunting a group only to find out that her father was one of them and so is she. Oh, and her sister she thought was dead is alive. It felt more like a made for Netflix movie with a good budget. Like, this should be good or at least cool. Every fight scene felt too “dancey.” For example as much as I love the OG Mortal Kombat movie some of them fights seemed like they were counting until the next move. I didn't buy Eve as this bad ass fighting machine. Just lucky everyone is a bad shot.

Ana de Armas as Eve Macarro

Anjelica Huston as The Director

Gabriel Byrne as the Chancellor

Lance Reddick as Charon

Norman Reedus as Daniel Pine

Ian McShane as Winston Scott

Keanu Reeves as John Wick

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