Thursday, December 31, 2015

The Review: Bernie

This will have spoilers. I watched this movie from a few years back called Bernie after Cam suggested it. I had never heard of this movie or the true story it was based off of. It stars Jack Black as Bernie Tiede. He is a funeral director that ends up being the partner of this 81 year old woman and the next thing you know her ass is shot dead in the garage and she is tossed in the freezer. The problem is...if this guy goes to trial he will get off because the town loves him so damned much!

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

D And J DJ's Episode 2

Dante and Jasmine are back playing each other songs that they have never heard before. This time its Selena Gomez Good For You, painful singing, Childish Gambino Bonfire, Rae Sremmurd Come Get Her, naked folks in reality TV, The Ohio Players Funky Worm, Tory Lanez Say It, ass tricks, BET Uncut, and the magical musical styling of R. Kelly and his new song Poetic Sex. This was a really fun episode to record. Click here for this and previous episodes of D & J DJ.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

The Review: Olympus

One day while trolling Amazon I stumbled across this show called Olympus. Its a show made in Canada that is about this guy called Hero that is trying to rid himself of a curse. This will have spoilers by the way. Tom York stars as Hero. The show starts off with him tied to a device by a cyclops with his feet painted blue and about to be killed. He gets free and rescues these three oracles. One of them turns out to be who he is looking for, the Oracle of Gaia played by Sonya Cassidy. This review is gonna be all over the place.

Hero has this thing where he will not kill anyone. He knows nothing about his family other than his mother who was killed when he was young trying to protect him from some assassins that wanted what is inside him called the Lexicon. They come across Daedalus, Icarus' father, who is more science based than following a belief in the gods. They end up in this kingdom where this crazy ass father and daughter are together. The daughter played by Sophia Lauchlin Hirt is hot and crazy as all hell. She wants Hero and will do anything and kill anyone to have him.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Ross Radio Show 171

It has been way too long since I did one of these shows. I wanted to play some songs from the 80's that folks could dance to. Its all very random. I play Wham! Freedom, Shalamar A Night To Remember, Frankie Goes To Hollywood Relax, Yes Owner Of A Lonely Heart, Chaka Khan I Feel For You, Lionel Richie All Night Long, The Bangles Hazy Shade Of Winter, Company B Fascinated, The Cover Girls Show Me, INXS New Sensation, and Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam Lost in Emotion. Click here to download this and previous episodes.

Theater Whore: Room

Room 8/10

There will be some spoilers. Last night Cam and I went to check out the film Room. I had seen the trailer and it looked like it would be a super sad and miserable film. While it was a dark subject matter the movie wasn't as depressing as I thought it would be. This movie is about a boy named Jack played by Jacob Tremblay and his mother Ma played by Brie Larson who live in a room all by themselves except for a visit every few nights by this guy known as Old Nick.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Theater Whore: Creed

Creed 7/10

I finally got around to watching the new Creed film starring Michael B. Johnson and Sylvester Stallone. I was slightly hesitant to watch this. There has been six previous Rocky movies and I've enjoyed five of them. We don't talk about Rocky V. With this one I was expecting a bootleg style reboot but I was wrong. This movie blended perfectly into the previous films and I would actually like to see some more of these. The story is pretty simple the way it should be.

Jordan plays Adonis “Donnie” Johnson. He lives in a juvenile center when a lady played by Phylicia Rashad that slept with Apollo Creed shows up and takes him into her home. He is a bad ass kid which fast forwards to him quitting his job so that he can learn to be a better fighter. His mother does not want him doing it explaining to him how she had to wipe his dads ass because he was so hurt from boxing. Oh, and he died in the ring. That happened. He ends up getting Rocky to help him train after much convincing. Bring on the training montage!

Friday, December 11, 2015

Porn Better Than Hollywood Again

The same guy that has been doing those amazing looking porn spoofs of comic book movies Axel Braun is back at it again. This time he is combining two Marvel franchises that will never actually cross over in film, Avengers Vs. X-Men XXX. Just going by the images of these characters I kinda want to see this as a straight up film. I previously wrote about his Batman V. Superman XXX, Captain America XXX, and Wonder Woman XXX. In an interview Braun said “As a comic fan, this is the movie I have been eager to see! I was blessed with a terrific cast and with a storyline that allowed for some awesome parody moments, so in the end we were able to create a spoof that's exactly as fun, sexy and entertaining as I had hoped.”

Skin Diamond as Storm is my favorite one by the way. The rest of the cast includes Penny Pax as Mockingbird, Chanel Preston as Polaris, Dana Vespoli as Psylocke, Katie St. Ives as Kitty Pride, Zoe Voss as Wasp, Jazy Berlin as Black Cat, Jayden Jaymes as Maria Hill, Josh Rivers as Captain America, Nat Turnher as Luke Cage, Jason Matrix as Havok, Tom Byron as Magneto, Marcus London as Banshee, Jack Vegas as Dr. Strange, Lexington Steele as Nic Fury, and Billy Glide as Colossus. The last guy listed is dead now. For real. Not, like, comic book dead. These porn names are better than comic book names.

You Had One Job: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Out Of The Shadows Trailer

I'm not gonna get into the trailer for the X:Men Apocalypse trailer that was released because it looks exactly like I was expecting it to and I've already written about it. But right after watching it I saw that a trailer was released for the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows was released. I was drinking coffee so I was good and hyped to suffer through some bullshit. This trailer was actually worse than anything I could've imagined.

The turtles still look creepy as hell so they got that down. Megan Fox returns to pretend to be April O'Neil But they have Casey Jones in this movie that I didn't know was being made and he looks like a pretty boy because he is being played by Stephen Amell who stars on Arrow. He looks absolutely nothing like Jones should. No knock on Amell because I like him when he pops up on The Flash. But the Jones I want sounds like Clint Eastwood and never shows his face. I want a violent asshole in a hockey mask not named Jason Vorhees.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Theater Whore: Jem & The Holograms

Jem & The Holograms 2/10

I did it. I watched Jem & The Holograms. I told everyone that I was gonna do it and I did it. Now I feel terrible. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting but when I was expecting for my face to melt off and my ancestors to rise from their graves and shout in anger that is not saying much. This was not a movie for anyone that ever enjoyed the series or just likes the character of Jem. This movie is great for an 11 year old girl that has never heard of Jem and just stumbled across this. Oh, and she has to have terrible taste in music and have no concept of how the internet works. That helps.

Monday, December 7, 2015

The Adult Film/Wrestling Connection

Call me crazy, but there has always been a connection between the way porn actresses look at a particular time and female wrestlers. For anyone that doesn't know, I worked at a porn shop for seven years. Seven long, insane, disgusting years. I have also watched wrestling for 33 years. The image in the banner by the way is Chyna. I used her image because honestly that shit is crazy. That is the same human being. She showed up jacked to the moon, trimmed down, did Playboy, and is now...around.

I am going to use some examples from porn actresses and female wrestlers to show you how I have always seen this strange connection. Who knows? For any aspiring porn stars and wrestlers you can even use this to see what look you should be going for by watching one or the other. Hell, Chyna made the transition from wrestler to porn actress!

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Theater Whore: Brooklyn

Brooklyn 8/10

The second movie Cam and I watched was Brooklyn starring Saoirse Ronan who I later realized I'd seen in Hanna and The Grand Budapest Hotel. Brooklyn is about a young girl from Ireland named Ellis Lacey being given the opportunity to move to America in the early 1950's. She leaves behind her mother, sister, and her friends. She gets there and is all kinds of sad until she meets this super nice guy Tony played by Emory Cohen with an Italian family. She lives in a boarding house with these other girls and they bring most of the funny moments at the dinner table. There was one moment that made me cackle for a moment surely embarrassing Cam.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Theater Whore: The Danish Girl

The Danish Girl 8/10

This was the first of two films Cam and I saw during our annual Oscar catch up. She said we were seeing two movies and I had no idea which ones or what they were about. I knew nothing going in and this is fun with her. The Danish Girl stars Eddie Redmayne and Gerda Wegener in this semi-biography about one of the first transgenders ever. Redmayne plays Einar Wegener who is an artist married to another artist Gerda Wegener. He is very successful while she is trying to get a show going but quite cant. One day she has her husband pose because a model she is using is late.

Friday, December 4, 2015

D And J DJ's Episode 1

In this show Dante is introduced to the world of Ty Dolla Sign and his song Blase. He then plays Kool Moe Dee's song I Go To Work. Jasmine comes back with Yo Gotti It Go Down In The DM. Angela Simmons and if she is pretty or not is discussed. Then some discussion about song beats featuring Father MC and Mary J. Blige's breasts. Drake Jumpman is played while wondering if Future has a career as well as his ashy leg as Dante is horrified by his video Rich Sex featuring Blac Chyna. Alisha Keys side chick status, Christina Milian's bad life choices, and the future of music videos are also discussed in this episode. Click here to download and thanks for listening.

Monday, November 30, 2015

Theater Whore: Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 2

Hunger Games Mockingjay Part Two 1/10

There will be spoilers. So...yeah. I watched Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 2 today because I watched part one recently (click here to read that) and since I'd seen three of the four damned movies I was kinda all in. This continues right where the last film left off which makes sense since it was a two and a half hour long trailer. Jennifer Lawrence plays Katniss and she is still moping around and doesn't want to fight. Well too goddamn bad, sister. Shit is close to going down.

Everyone gets killed. Well, mostly everyone. I cant believe this far in they have the nerve to try and introduce new characters. One of my complaints with the very first film was that there was no character development so when these kids got slaughtered I didn't care. Same for this one. People from the last movie get wrecked and I didn't give a damn. This movie was so much weak sauce. I mean, the last movie was over two hours of bullshit so this one needed to hit the ground running. Guess what? It didn't!

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Theater Whore: Legend

Legend 8/10

I got to see the movie Legend starring Tom Hardy and damn this was good. I did not know this movie existed or came out which makes perfect sense because fuck getting people like me to watch something new that's great, right? This is one of those movies that has a ton of actors from things where I know their face but not their name because they are from England. This movie was based off of real guys and as crazy as they seem in the movie it turns out they were way worse in real life.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

The Review: Jessica Jones

I just finished plowing through all 13 episodes of the new Netflix series Jessica Jones and holy shit. Based on the trailers I was not excited at all to check the series out. I thought they were just cranking out anything after the success of Daredevil and that we were beginning the slow decline of cool comic book based shows and movies. I was extremely wrong. This show had my ass all over the internet trying to figure out who Jessica Jones and The Purple Man were. There will be spoilers because they released every episode in one day.

This show stars Krysten Ritter as Jessica Jones. She's a fuck up that has gone through some things. Oh, and she has super powers. Really strong. Can jump far. Durable. Loves to drink. Jessica runs Alias Investigations where she pretty much snoops on people for others. She is suffering PTSD after being held captive by this guy Kilgrave aka The Purple Man played by David Tennant. He has the ability to get you to do whatever he says just by saying it to you. And by whatever I mean anything from killing others or even yourself. She managed to break from his control and now he is all about getting her back. Meanwhile she has a fucked up secret that is threatening to come out.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

New Wonder Woman Image Kind Of Released

A new image was released of Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman and I was less than impressed considering that a full image of her was released months ago. She spoke of playing WW in an upcoming (2017) movie and said “Oh, my God, I'm so excited about this role. I feel like I've been given a huge opportunity to inspire people, not only women. And not because of me but because of who Wonder Woman is and what she stands for. There's a lot of responsibility. But I have the best team and the best people to work with. It's going to be an amazing ride, knock on wood.” On IMDB the small synopsis of the movie is “An Amazon princess comes to the world of Man to become the greatest of the superheroines.”

It is being directed by Patty Jenkins who only other movie credit is Monster from 2003 and starred Charlize Theron. God, why couldn't she have been cast as Wonder Woman? The writer is a guy that did one of the Ice Age sequels and that Pan movie that came out a little bit ago and tanked (on a budget of $150 million it has made just $33 million in the last month and a half). I don't have too much hope for this movie or most of the upcoming ones (check that post out here). I don't hate DC films. People pick sides. You're either Marvel or DC. Its bullshit. I'm pro good films. The best Marvel thing made has been Daredevil and the best DC has been Batman. The whole set of DC films hinge on Batman V. Superman being incredible and I just don't see it being that. 

Theater Whore: Beasts Of No Nation

Beasts Of No Nation 9/10

I asked Cam who also saw Beasts Of No Nation if I should make this a Theater Whore post instead of a The Review. It was in the theaters for a minute so I went with yes because the herd for good movies this year is thinner than the backstage area of a Victoria Secrets show. This movie was written, directed, and filmed by Joji Fukunaga who also did the same for the first season of True Detective which was great. This stars Idris Elba and new actor Abraham Attah as Commandant and Agu. Commandant is a part of a revolution taking place in West Africa while Agu is dragged along for a violent, intense, incredible ride.

Agu is just a young boy in his village enjoying time with his friends and family while on the precipice of chaos as a war takes place. One day he is separated from his family and eventually the rest are slaughtered as they try to escape soldiers. He makes his way into the jungles where he is found by other young boys armed to the teeth. He joins up and fucking madness ensues.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Theater Whore: Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse

Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse 5/10

Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse had the potential to be super funny. Its about three high school aged scouts and a cocktail waitress trying to survive a zombie outbreak in their town. While there are for sure some parts that made me laugh out loud (“She's gumming my ass!”) the movie while less than 90 minutes long felt longer for some reason. I'm not quite sure who this is for. Not teens because of the nudity and the amount of cursing even though in real life teens are far worse. Not enough of a story for adults. Its one of those movies that if it were on cable would be fun to check out. Its not scary and the jump scares it does have tend to be for comedic effect like friends jumping out quickly for no reason. I will say, this movie had great advertising and a cool soundtrack.

Click here for previous Theater Whore

Billboard Magazine Top 10 Rappers Of All Time Sucks

Billboard magazine recently released a list of the Top 10 Rappers Of All Time. As you can probably guess, its bullshit. In late 2013 I made a list of my Top Five Rappers Of All Time and from what I can recall I didn't get much in the way of disagreement. Strangely, only one of mine made Billboard's ten. Actually, its not that strange. When people make lists a lot of people disagree with them because we all have our favorites and those we think deserve more respect.

Billboard said “Diehard fans, music nerds and critics love lists. But in rap, rankings like this take on a special level of import: aside from moving a crowd (shouts to Rakim), MC means proving you're the best. In no other genre do artists so blatantly express their desire to outdo competition. That made Billboard's editorial list a more high-stakes undertaking than usual. Many favorites -- Kane, Drake, KRS -- didn't make it, and each of those omissions hurts deep down. Note: we're ranking these folks as MCs, not artists. That's why Dr. Dre and Kanye West, for example, two legendary producer-rappers who don't match the mic skills of those listed here, were left out. Even Tupac, perhaps the most influential rapper ever globally, is arguably known more for great songwriting than dominant bars.”

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Steel Punch Video Game Soundtrack

I started producing songs a few months ago for rapper Dan-e-o and was one of the winners of a contest. While creating beats and such I started to have the idea of creating a soundtrack for a video game. No, this game does not exist. I originally planned on making maybe three songs for it. Next thing you know there are songs for each level, boss battles, and bonus stages. Steel Punch was born!

Eventually I'll get around to creating characters and a back story for this but for now it exists as a video game in my head with a soundtrack for anyone to check out. This was fun to do and I tried to keep it based on the music that inspired it like Streets Of Rage, Daft Punk, and the Drive soundtrack. Click here if you want to download it as an mp3.

Steel Punch Start Menu 0:00 – 1:02
Character Select 1:02 – 4:34
Level 1 4:34 – 6:34
Level 1 Boss Battle 6:34 – 9:38
Bonus Level 1 9:39 – 11:06
Level 2 11:06 – 13:06
Level 2 Boss Battle 13:06 – 14:50
Bonus Level 2 14:50 – 15:57
Level 3 15:57 – 18:57
Level 3 Boss Battle 18:57 – 20:58
Bonus Level 3 20:58 – 21:57
Level 4 21:57 – 25:16
Level 4 Boss Battle 25:16 – 27:15
Bonus Level 4 27:15 – 28:00
Level 5 28:00 – 29:55
Level 5 Boss Battle 29:55 – 31:19
Bonus Level 5 31:19 – 31:53
Final Level 31:53 – 34:49
Final Boss 34:49 – 36:56
Insert Coin To Continue 36:56 – 37:20
Game Over 37:20 – 37:59
Steel Punch Credits Theme 37:59 – 40:00

Monday, November 16, 2015

The Review: Hunger Games Mockingjay

Once again Katniss Everdeen returns to trick unsuspecting mothers into thinking they have found a female hero for their daughters! For some reason I decided to watch Hunger Games Mockingjay which is the third movie (click here for a review of the first and second films) but had that part one thing because they decided to make a two hour trailer out of this film. Jennifer Lawrence returns to make her ugly crying face while being saved by every guy that is around her. If you have hugged Katniss, chances are you are not long for this world. Or you're gonna get tortured until you become a 5 foot 1 killing machine that has enough power to toss guards around the room before trying to choke out Katniss. That happened.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

The Review: Doctor Strange The Sorcerer Supreme

I recently watched the 2007 Marvel animated film Doctor Strange: The Sorcerer Supreme. I had no idea this even existed. Not that I would have searched hard for it seeing as how I'm not really a fan of Dr. Strange and Marvel animated movies tend to stink. This turned out to be pretty decent. It is the origin of how Strange went from being asshole surgeon to one of the greatest sorcerers in the Marvel universe. All in what seems to be a few months.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

10 Reasons Why You Should Have Watch Luther

If you have not seen the BBC series Luther starring Idris Elba maybe you just have something against good TV or you're one of those people that say you don't have time to watch TV but spend hours texting every day which proves you are terrible at time management. Or perhaps you are someone that thinks they have enough shows to watch and do not need to see another cop show. Wrong! You can keep your shuffling ass zombies or contests to crown the next a American loser. I'll stick with this show about a detective that is always on the edge of losing his shit.

This is about a Detective Chief Inspector named John Luther. Luther is as someone tells him “Fighting for the dead.” He can not have a healthy relationship no matter how much he thinks he can. He does things that are beyond illegal for what he thinks are good reasons. He could also steal your wife with a wink. That is a superpower I've been working on for years now. This show has now aired three series (that is what they call seasons over there) which consist of six, four, and four episodes. Here are the 10 Reasons Why You Should Have Watch Luther. Don't be stupid. You know this will contain spoilers.

Theater Whore: Spectre

Spectre 2/10

So...that was a movie. I watched the latest James Bond film Spectre and was super excited since I have liked all of the Daniel Craig Bonds but this film had nothing to offer me in terms of entertainment. It was just happening. I couldn't get interested in the story, the characters, the villains, or the gadgets. It was like Craig didn't want to be there and everyone's acting seemed a bit off. They got the action right but even that got old. This movie was over two hours long and felt way longer than that. I can't suggest this to anyone.

Click here for previous Theater Whore.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Theater Whore: Tale Of Tales

Tale Of Tales 9/10

The first film Koko and I saw for the AFI festival was Tale Of Tales. I knew nothing of this movie going in and intentionally wanted it that way. When I see independent or strange ass foreign films the less I know the better. This film was based on some old fairy tales where it involves three separate kingdoms and their rulers actions and wants leading to terrible things occurring. The stories kind of go back and forth between each other. There will be spoilers.

The first starred Selma Hayek and John C. Reilly as a king and queen that want children but can not have them. The queen has tried many things but none seem to work. One day this creepy ass guy shows up and tells her that she needs the heart of a sea creature that is cooked by a virgin for her to instantly become pregnant. She is all in. The king goes to slay this creature and is mortally wounded. She finds a virgin that cooks this massive heart and while doing so the virgin as well as the queen become pregnant.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Theater Whore: Free In Deed

Free In Deed 3/10

Today Koko and I went to the AFI films where we saw two movies. This was the second one called Free In Deed which was based off of actual events. This is the story of a man played by David Harewood with a strong faith in god and trying to make up for whatever he did in the past as well as a single mother played by Edwina Findley Dickerson that is struggling to work and take care of her two children, one of whom has something wrong where he has violent fits. She can not control him, he gets kicked out of school, and she turns to the church and this guys healing hands for help. This could only end badly.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

The New Halle Berry Theory

Halle Berry is a confusing puzzle to solve. Now before you read any further understand that I know this woman's life is none of my business but I have lots of time, type quickly, and enjoy gossip. Now as I was saying, Halle is confusing. I have seen her in person once and she is very beautiful. I have described her as too beautiful. I have written about her and her marriage here and described what I call the Halle Berry Theory here a few years ago after she kept popping up in the news for random reasons.

Recently she has been in the news because of her and Olivier Martinez pending divorce and I was like "Damn, how many times has this woman been married?" Turns out four times. Imagine walking down the aisle and telling god and whoever is there that you're doing this till death do you part four separate times. If you look it up a lot of actors and actresses back in the day would do this too. Another reason she is in the news is because one of her previous spouses, David Justice, spoke out about her. For those that don't know, everyone thought he was the one that hit her so hard she says she lost 80% of the hearing in one of her ears so when you thought of this guy you thought baseball and hit Halle. He has since deleted these tweets. Some say it was Christopher Williams that hit her who then said it was Wesley Snipes

Friday, October 30, 2015

The Review: Staying Alive & Hairspray

Last night Cam and I did a double feature with Chipotle for dinner, beer, and cookies for dessert because we're grown ass people and can do things like that. It had been a long time since we had and we watched two movies she loved and I had never seen. The first was Staying Alive. I had seen Saturday Night Fever for the first time three years ago and the only thing I knew about this movie was the weird ass outfit he wore for some reason. This is six years after the previous film and was written, produced, and directed by Sylvester Stallone. What?! I had no idea. When I say I got into movies blind I mean it.

John Travolta is back as Tony Manero. He is in Manhattan now and lives in what looks like an open door jail while having a bunch of jobs at once. He is a dance instructor which they show for a moment and a waiter where woman that look like The Misfits hit on him. He has a fuck buddy named Jackie that puts up with copious amounts of his bullshit. If I thought he was a dick in the first film he has evolved into an asshole into the second. He ends up on a Broadway show where she is and meeting this other chick that is very toothy named Laura.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

The Review: Supergirl

The phrase “Its just the pilot” can no longer be used as an excuse for a new series. We live in a time where there are way too many TV shows on for the first episode to not at least get close to be really good. The new Supergirl series debuted on CBS last night and it was just like I feared it would be according to a post I did earlier this year. This show suffers from uneven acting to a very rushed origin story and by the middle of it I was ready to check out. Supergirl is already a character that I'm not a fan of except in the Justice League cartoons. But the same could be said for Flash. I was not a fan of him at all but love the show.

Melissa Benoist stars as Kara Zor-El aka Kara Danvers aka Supergirl. This starts off with her being put on a rocket ship from Krypton and told that she is supposed to protect her cousin who would one day become every version of the name Superman. Its weird. I think they said his name maybe once and used other versions the rest of the time. Her ship gets knocked off course and by the time she gets to Earth he's already doing his thing. She is raised like a normal girl fully aware that she is strong as all hell. A dull girl becomes a dull girl with powers. 

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Theater Whore: Sicario

Sicario 2/10

Sicario is one of those movies that I know I should like but for whatever reason does not work for me. It has good actors like Benicio Del Toro, Josh Brolin, and Emily Blunt aka Lady Punching Bag. Its about a SWAT member being recruited to help dirty people stop other dirty people by being dirtier than the people they are hunting. It starts off hard and fast then drops to a very slow crawl until the very end of what felt like a three hour movie. I could have left, played some video games, had a quick lunch, came back, and still not have missed any information that was important to the story. After watching this I read reviews and people love this movie. Every year there is a movie people love that I don't get at all. This is that movie for 2015.

Click here for previous Theater Whore

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Theater Whore: The Martian

The Martian 9/10

This will have some spoilers. “I'm gonna science the shit out of this planet.” And he does! This is not Gravity. Its is not close to that film for a lot of reasons and I was happy for it. The Martian stars Matt Damon as a botanist stranded on Mars after a storm occurs and his crew is forced to leave him behind thinking he is dead. He's not and that sucks because he is stuck on Mars with enough food for a whole crew but not enough to, like, live forever.

The cast of this also includes Jessica Chastain, Kristen Wiig, Jeff Daniels, Michael Peña, Kate Mara, Donald Glover, Sean Bean, Sebastian Stan, Aksel Hennie, and Chiwetel Ejiofor. They are all really good and even some folks I didn't mention that have smaller parts. A lot of this movie is spent wanting Mark Watney played by Damon to survive. I laughed, I cheered, I screamed “Fuck!” when he did after something went wrong. Watney would spend parts of his days making video logs and complaining about the only music being available being disco which made the movie funnier.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

The Review: What We Do In The Shadows

I checked out this movie called What We Do In The Shadows. There will be spoilers. Its a comedy about four vampires that are roommates being filmed for a documentary. There is Deacon, Viago, Vladislav, and 8,000 year old Petyr who is in the movie just enough to keep him creepy as hell and funny. They are recorded talking about their daily lives and how it is being in the modern world which they are bad at. Deacon has a helper named Jackie who has been waiting years to be turned into a vampire. She does their laundry and helps bring victims, preferably virgins. As he puts it “I think of it like this. If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it.”

Thursday, October 8, 2015

You Had One Job: Apocalypse In X-Men

When the image of the character Apocalypse was released a while back I was pissed. My first introduction to the character was I the X-Men animated cartoon and I was intrigued. Who the hell was this guy that could fly, change shape, super strong, shot lasers, and had a talking spaceship? At the time he was just some mutant that wanted to kill weaker mutants and humans. Then Marvel started giving more back story on the guy.

"In the harsh, unforgiving desert of ancient Egypt, ruled by Rama-Tut, a band of nomadic raiders found an infant, gray-skinned and freakish in appearance, abandoned by the settlers of Akkaba. The nomads took the child for their own, giving him the name En Sabah Nur, 'The First One,' and teaching him to be 'strong' in order to survive the desert as a child. This idea, that 'the strong will survive,' would shape Apocalypse's actions throughout time."

Sunday, October 4, 2015

The Review: Justice League Gods And Monsters

I finally got around to watching Justice League Gods And Monsters and I didn't enjoy it all that much. I had watched the shorts and got the same feeling I did when watching the movie which was I felt like there had been an entire series that I somehow had no idea about. It is a very different take on the DC Universe which could easily work if there had been individual films about each of the characters. As it is, each was told through flashbacks that should have been at the beginning of the movie and gone from there.

In this version Superman is the son of General Zod but on Earth after crashing as a baby is found by a Mexican couple who name him Hernan Guerra. He's a dick but effective. Batman is not Bruce Wayne but instead Kirk Langstrom who is normally Man-Bat. He was sick, took an injection, became a vampire. Its silly. And Wonder Woman is a New God named Bekka whose husband Orion was slaughtered and she tapped out and came to Earth. Its weak.

Friday, October 2, 2015

The Review: The Woman In Black

I got to see the movie The Woman In Black starring Daniel Radcliffe with H., Beastman, and B. the other day. I'd heard of the movie and ha a vague idea of what it was about. Thankfully it was not one of those “based on a true story” movies that have no real ending. I hate those. It's always some bendy White girl that does yoga posing weird and screaming while vomiting black goo. I just described my next girlfriend.

This movie is about Radcliffe as Arthur Kipps who is a lawyer heading to this creepy ass small English village which means that everyone there will be creepy and superstitious. He is going there to handle a dead woman's papers and leaves his son and caretaker behind. When he gets there everyone tries to hurry him out but he is stubborn (stupid) and stays to finish the job even though there is an obviously angry ghost haunting the place and making kids kill themselves.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

The Review: The Hitcher

I checked out the 1986 movie The Hitcher at the suggestion of the same coworker that suggested The River Wild and Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. This movie has a very simple premise that goes right off the rails as the movie goes on. Don't get me wrong, this was a cool 80's movie I'd heard of but never seen before. But at a certain point I just kept going “These are cartoon characters!”

It starts off with this young guy named Jim played by C. Thomas Howell who is driving a car from Chicago to San Diego. He is falling asleep at the wheel like an asshole when he spots someone hitchhiking. And that someone is John Ryder played by Rutger Hauer who is in full on crazy mode. Within moments of being in the car he whips out a knife and threatens the kid. He eventually boots his crazy ass from the car while its moving and cheers.

The Review: Invasion Of The Body Snatchers

I finally checked out the 1978 movie Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. I had heard of this and other versions for years but never had a desire to really check it out until talking about horror films and such at work. I even had it bookmarked from months ago after someone else mentioned it. All I knew about it was pod people, creepy Sutherland face, and strange music. Turns out it was a really good film that had strange music, odd camera angles, and actors making me want to slap them for making bad decisions that ultimately led to a lot of deaths.

Some juicy spores come from space and land on plants which people immediately walk around picking up and sniffing. This lady Elizabeth Driscoll played by Brooke Adams brings one home and her boyfriend that is watching TV with headphones because the 70's ends up smelling it as well. Next thing you know he is acting distant, working too much, and not talking to her. He's pretty much being a husband. She knows something is up but isn't quite sure because Ashley Madison doesn't exist yet so it cant be that.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Stop It Azealia Banks

Do you know rapper Azealia Banks? Most people don't. They probably think she is some sort of activist or something that just randomly pops up in the news upset or crying about something. I never knew she existed until one day H. showed me a music video for the song 212. I liked the beat, the lyrics, and the way Banks was built. Seriously. This girl is cute as fuck. But...she needs to stop it. I want to like her more for her music than her smooth skin, crazy eyes that scream no second date, legs that look like they taste like a Skor bar, and ability to look like she got attacked by the wind and survived on gut instincts. But the shit that comes out of her mouth makes her seem like an ugly person. There's nothing worse when a hot chick adopts ugly privileges.

Pewn pewn pewn pewn!

She is currently being talked about not for a new song or anything but because she flipped out on a Delta Airlines flight that just landed here in Los Angeles. It is being reported by passengers that she tried to squeeze by others to get off the plane faster when a French dude got in her way. She then spit in his face, clawed at his shirt, and punched him because he had a French accent and she figured no physical retribution would take place. A flight attendant tried to help and got called a “fucking faggot” for his efforts. She was told cops were on the way and she boogied because in L.A when you hear that it translate to “death is coming.” They caught up to her in baggage claim but as of right now no charges have been filed. Here's footage of her trying to escape.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

The Review: The River Wild

Someone I work with and I were talking about older films and he was shocked...shocked that I had not seen The River Wild. Look. I'm late when it comes to these type of films. I grew up on a steady diet of garbage so it takes me a while to get around to classics and stuff. I still haven't seen Glory which means I'm no longer allowed in South Central. This is the story of an annoying family that I want to drown being taken hostage by the worlds worse robbers.

Meryl Streep plays Gail. She is a teacher raising her two kids pretty much alone because her husband Tom played by David Strathairn is working all the time. And he's just naturally dickish. So the family minus the father decide to go on a camping and river rafting trip. Tom shows up and no one is really happy about it because in movies fathers ruin everything. So while rafting they keep coming across these guys in another raft. Eventually one comes up missing and the family helps out the last two Wade played by Kevin Bacon and Terry played by John C. Reilly. They look like criminals so of course the son loves them more than the father.