Monday, May 18, 2015

You Had One Job: Jem & The Holograms Movie

I like to think that I'm a reasonable an extent. I will give things a chance if giving the proper motivation. But there are some things that are so bad that I refuse to give them a chance. The new Jem movie trailer is one. “You're an alleged man, Dante. Why do you even care?! It's a girls cartoon character!” Everything in that sentence is true. I am allegedly a man and Jem was a girls cartoon...that I watched. Every day it was on I watched along with My Little Pony and Rainbow Brite. I wasn't always a 6 foot 1, 220lbs. man. At one time I was a very tiny boy with no hopes of getting taller that knew how to paint his mother's nails and watched every cartoon I could get my eyes on. Jem was one of them. Why? Because she's truly outrageous, you asshole. Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Or at least she was.

This movie that is coming out later this year took the name of the cartoon, added some pink hair, and said “Whelp. That's about all we need, right? It's Jem.” No! Its four children that appear nothing like the actual characters. Look at those girls up there and then look at this.

Exactly. This reminds me of World War Z. The only thing the movie and book had in common was the title and the fact that there were zombies. This movie will have music I'd never listen to. A cast I can't even call hot because they look like children. The Black chick is played by a half-Black chick that doesn't even appear half-Black! Give a dark skinned girl with purple hair a chance! And how about the Misfits? They at least got that right. They're evil, crazy, and play loud music. Wrong!

They aren't even in the goddamn movie! Jem was about a chick whose dad died, she found out about an AI called Synergy that transformed Jerrica into Jem and her friends solved problems while trying not to be killed by the Misfits. Their songs are bitter. This shit is about a girl that doesn't even want to sing being famous and struggling with it. The fuck? I don't wanna see that shit. You don't want to even if you think you do. They are just using the Jem name with no real tie to the source material.

Christy Marx, the lady that created Jem, wasn't even consulted. She spoke highly of the director who has done nothing you have seen as well as saying “Many people wonder how I feel about it. I don’t think I can hide that I’m deeply unhappy about being shut out of the project. That no one in the entertainment arm of Hasbro wanted to talk to me, have me write for it, or at the very least consult on it. I wouldn’t be human if that failed to bother me. My other unhappy observation is that I see two male producers, a male director and a male writer. Where is the female voice? Where is the female perspective? Where are the women?” Boo this movie.

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