Sunday, January 31, 2016

The Review: Lucifer Pilot Episode

I watched the pilot episode for the new Fox series Lucifer starring Tom Ellis. This is based off of the character of Lucifer from comics but I don't have any strong attachment to that comic or character so if he is different than in the comic books I don't know other than that his hair is not blond. Plus, I don't care if the two things are different as long as it is good. Hell, I have seen Constantine with Keanu Reeves more times than almost any movie I have ever seen. Still can't explain that. The fact that this series is on Fox makes me nervous because they have a reputation for canceling shows I actually like. Profit, Space Above And Beyond were amazing but canned. If you have no idea what I'm talking about chances are you weren't born yet.

The Review: Vikings Season One

I finished watching the first season of the series from The History Channel called Vikings. Its the story of a Viking named Ragnar played by Travis Fimmel. Ragnar has a wife, son, and daughter. The son is to become a man. Ragnar wants to sail west. Earl Haraldson does not want to. Ragnar does it anyway. Ragnar finds riches. Brings a Christian priest back. The Earl keeps most the riches. Ragnar's brother is jealous. Ragnar's wife is suspicious of Ragnar's wandering eyes which are connected to his wandering dick. Ragnar continues to succeed until he doesn't. Ragnar prevails. Ragnar joins with new guy. Ragnar introduces more drama to his life. Repeat.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

The Review: Making A Murderer

Cam and I finally finished watching the Netflix series Making A Murderer. This is based off of the true, happening right now case of Steven Avery being tried to a sexual assault, spending 18 years in prison, getting out, and two years later being tried for murder. This series had both of us cursing at the screen a lot, mad at the justice system, and hoping that if shit ever went down that we'd be able to afford a good lawyer because sometimes that is all it comes down to.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

The Review: Batman Bad Blood

There is a new Batman animated movie that caught my ass by surprise called Bad Blood. This was one of my favorite animated Batman films. The art, the story, the voices, and the animation were all on super point. Plus it has everyone and their mama in it. The story starts with Batwoman trying to stop a group of C-level Batman villains being led by this guy that looks like Batman on every form of HGH he could find. Batwoman is doing okay what with her guns and all then she starts to get her ass kicked till Batman shows up. During an explosion to save her he disappears.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Stop It Stacey Dash

Stacey Dash is one of those people that I like to look at but have no real need to hear her speak. I try to avoid it but sometimes things reach through the air like a physical fart and assault me. All I know about Dash is she looks great for her age, was hot in Clueless, sounds uglier than she actually is, been married and divorced three times in ten years, and tends to say silly shit that garners my attention. Don't ask me what work she has done the last couple of decades because I can't tell you. She's hot (absolutely do not agree with her new hairstyle) but says stuff that an ugly chick would get chased for.

We have to make up our minds. Either we want to have segregation or integration, and if we don't want segregation, then we have to get rid of channels like BET and the BET Awards and the Image Awards, where you're only awarded if you're black. If it were the other way around, we'd be up in arms. It's a double standard. There shouldn't be a black history month. We're Americans, period. Somebody better tell her that Iggy Azalea was nominated for an award. She isn't Black so...yeah. Oh. And Macklemore.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

The Review: Top Five

I watched the movie Top Five starring Chris Rock and Rosario Dawson as well as a shit ton of Black actors and comedians the other night as well as today with my cousin Jasmine. I had heard of this movie but had no desire to see it but while scanning Amazon stumbled on it and began laughing minutes into it. This is about a former comedian and actor named Andre Allen that starred in a cheesy ass movie franchise called Hammy The Bear trying to get into more serious roles while battling an alcohol addiction problem and the fact that he is about to marry a reality show star that is obviously using him as a stepping stone.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Theater Whore: Black Mass

Black Mass 8/10

I finally got a chance to watch the movie Black Mass starring Johnny Depp. Before I saw this he as pretty much the only person I knew was in the movie. Turns out there was also Joel EdgertonBenedict CumberbatchKevin Bacon, Peter Sarsgaard, Adam Scott, and Dakota Johnson. I had heard of the guy James”Whitey” Bulger mostly after he was captured but didn't know much else about him. This movie managed to cover a good portion of his criminal career as well as the corruption in the FBI that was supposed to be taking him down.

Johnny Depp has one of his best performances in years as Bulger. I like when I can watch a movie and forget that I am watching a movie and I felt that was with this. Bulger is controlling organized crime in Boston and starts off small but gets big fast because he and his gang are ruthless as hell. They will beat people to death that you thought were their friends because of mistakes they made. Joel Edgerton plays FBI agent John Connolly that grew up with Bulger and his brother and now senator William Bulger played by Benedict Cumberbatch. Bulger trades information with Connolly for the ability to continue his criminal ways. He pretty much uses the FBI to get rid of his enemies.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

The Review: Bone Tomahawk

Can you read the names on that poster? Good. Because I don't feel like wasting time typing them all out. I watched this movie called Bone Tomahawk after hearing a lie that it was good. It wasn't. Damn thing took me three days to finish. Its about some cannibals that kidnap some folks from a small town and they have to go rescue them. Some don't make it back. The end. The crazy cannibals were supposed to be scary but they weren't. I knew who would live and die as soon as shit got rolling. This movie was boring as all get out. After I watched it I read some reviews and I have come to the conclusion that most movie reviewers are stinking liars. This movie blew.

Click here for previous The Review

Saturday, January 9, 2016

The Review: Serpico

I just watched the movie Serpico starring Al Pacino. I have heard of this film most of my life usually as a joke when a cop went against the force or had morals so I figured that that was what this was about. I had no idea that it was based off of a true story though. Frank Serpico has wanted to be a cop his entire life. He finally gets that chance in New York in the late 60's to early 70's and it is brutal. Almost every cop is dirty. There is no one he can really talk to because they are dirty or it puts his life in danger. The only person he can vent to is his wife and she cant deal with it because it lasts for years and makes him drink and depressed. Pacino is amazing in this.

Theater Whore: The Revenant

The Revenant 9/10

There will be some spoilers. Cam and I went to the Sundance theater and checked out The Revenant starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hardy. Holy shit. This movie should have been called This Is What Real Cold Looks Like, Fuck Bears, Nature Is An Evil Hooker, or Always Bring Chapstick. I mean...damn! This movie was rough! Poor Leo got his ass kicked the entire damned time. If it wasn't Native Americans it was bears. If it wasn't bears it was the weather. If it wasn't the weather it was sickness. If it wasn' get the picture. Shit was way rough.

It takes place in the early 1800's where a team of hunters and trappers are gathering pelts. Native Americans show up and start wrecking their shit. Leo as Hugh Glass and his half-Native American son are there and he is leading them. They get attacked, grab what they can, and out of 45 guys about nine of them survive and make it to a boat. When they reach land Glass is attacked by an angry ass mama bear. Its one of the most brutal attacks ever filmed and awesome. It made me sweat, my asshole pucker, and my face melt off.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

The Review: Interstellar

I finally watched Interstellar starring Matthew McConaughey and I'll be damned if I didn't really enjoy it. For some reason I was expecting not to. I think I thought it was gonna be like Gravity and be more about the way it looked and not the story. This is one of those movies that I wish I had seen in theaters because on my 32 inch television what I saw impressed me. McConaughey stars as Joe Cooper. He is a former NASA pilot now working on a farm raising his kids along with his father-in-law.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Theater Whore: The Hateful Eight

The Hateful Eight 1/10

I finally got around to watching The Hateful Eight. I really did not like this movie. I can't figure out what there is to like about it other than it has a lot of actors I like in it. Most of it is a bunch of angry, racist people using the n-word every few seconds with extreme violence thrown in every few minutes. I remember this wasn't gonna be made when the script leaked a couple years ago. I wish it had stayed that way. Quentin Tarantino's last couple of films have been not even just not entertaining to me, but flat out just shitty movies with this guy that I used to say was a great director attached to it. If you liked this movie, more power to you. You got to experience three hours of joy. For me it felt like a huge waste of time.

Click here for previous Theater Whore

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Worst Movies Of 2015

This year when a movie was bad it was super bad. In 2015 I ended up giving a zero to the third movie that I ever have. It takes a certain level of hatred towards a movie and everything about it for me to give a movie something lower than a one. Click here for the Top 12 Worse Films Of 2014 and here for my Best Movies Of 2015.

Funny that Jennifer Lawrence starred in two of the worst movies for me that year. This movie was bad from the top to the bottom. Bad acting, bad accents, bad story. I hated this movie so damned much. No one liked it. The actors didn't even promote the damned thing and probably hope you forgot that it even exists. I haven't!

Quote from review. “Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence manage to have less chemistry than a school in Los Angeles. Every scene in this is rough to watch.”

Best Movies Of 2015

As 2015 began to wind on down I was worried that I wouldn't even have enough good movies to create a top ten list. Turns out that better movies came out in the last few months which even though Camille reminds me of this each year I still rage against it demanding good movies all year long, not just during award season. I looked through and read my reviews for every new movie I watched this year and even included five honorable mentions. Click here to check out my Top 12 Best Films Of 2014.

You know I really enjoyed a movie when I was expecting car chases and explosions but end up seeing a movie where people wear clothes that when I see them in posters immediately turn me off as a movie goer.

Quote from review. “This movie was good. It wasn't an explosion fest, there's not a ton of violence, a dog gets shot, and I could not figure out how this was going to end. I thought it was going one way, it went another, then I figured out how it'd go, then it didn't.”

If you had seen me in the theater watching this movie you would have thought that I had personally invested money in this and my livelihood depended on the success of it. This film was awesome as shit.

Quote from review. “I think if I had any complaint it would be Thor. I am just not digging him but it isn't enough to change my opinion about this movie. Go see it along with the rest of the world.”