Friday, December 19, 2014

Top 12 Worse Films Of 2014

This was such a strange year for movies. For as many great ones that came out there were quite a few that were just horrible. I tried my best to shrink this down to a top 10 but then I checked my reviews and it was impossible. There were far too many stinkers. Hell, this could've been a top 20 but I went back and read my reviews and picked the ones that absolutely stank. So here are the Top 12 Worse Films Of 2014!

Looking back I was generous when I gave this a score of 2 out of 10. The sequel is coming out soon and I can't wait to pretend it isn't happening. This is another of many movies that tricked girls into thinking that being strong means running around scared and being saved by cute boys.

Quote from review. “Oh, I gotta point out the running. You know that run you do when the microwave beeps when food is done? Its not quite a run, its definitely not a sprint, but it isn't exactly slow. Its more of a saunter. She saunters away from bullets.”

This one punched me right in the dick but in a bad way. I was excited when I heard this was coming out since I loved the books. Hey, don't judge me! I don't fit the demographic of most things in life, let alone a book about vampire girls in school dealing with relationships and monsters. At this point I thought a film would never be bad enough for me to rate it a 0 but I couldn't even give it a 1.

Quote from review. “Saying this movie is bad is an insult to the word 'bad.' This movie is ass. Its bullshit. Its garbage or if you wanna sound fancy, gahr-baj.”

This one got such a high score because I like the director and stars of the movie. But I remember watching this and just...waiting. When it was over I felt like I'd been tricked into watching a movie about nothing at all starring vampires.

Quote from review. “They drink blood and stay out of daylight. But there is a weird thing with gloves, choosing to drink one blood type over others, whether they can enter places uninvited or not. Its not explained clearly and this movie ends up making more questions as it moves along.”

Snowpiercer (no number or review available)

Yeah. So about no review being written. I actually felt so...nothing about this movie that I didn't even want to waste time writing a review for it. Like Only Lovers Left Alive this is one of those films that if you don't like it people insult you. I started gathering images for a review after seeing it then gave up. It wasn't worth the trouble.

I fought the urge to see this but sometimes my own preemptive bitching gets the best of me and I'll see some shit that I know I won't like going in. While there have been times I had this feeling and was proved wrong this was not one of those cases. I hated this movie and it got a 1 because Emma Stone makes my pants tight.

Quote from review. “Peter starts moping and gives up being Spiderman and ignoring everything. Yeah. Aunt May didn't have that luxury, dude. She had to deal with the fact that her husband was killed (kinda because of you...) while you ran off playing vigilante and having a new relationship. She consoled him more than he even tried. Fuck Peter Parker.”

This movie was terrible. When Cam and I went to see this during a double feature we left the theater just puzzled as all hell. I later found out that this was supposed to be a dark comedy. That's like saying Winter's Bone or Schindler's List is a dark comedy. This was just dark and miserable.

Quote from review. “You shouldn't bother seeing this. Its a waste of everyone's time. The center of this movie is a terrible young man where no one bothers to explain why he is the way he is and never says why everyone lets him act like such an asshole.”

Wow, this movie was bad! I was excited about this because of the cast and the director but after watching it felt like I was tricked. This movie was stupid and based off of a ridiculous premise. Google could've helped make this better but whoever wrote it was like “Fuck you science. I know what I'm doing!” I think I gave it 2 because I like ScarJo.

Quote from review. “She finds the guy that ordered the drugs in her and kills everyone but him because plot. She becomes stronger and less fun to watch.”

I'm not sure why I gave this a 2. Maybe because Megan Fox smiled at the end and it was the first time I'd ever seen her face move. This introduced us to turtles that were indestructible and the chaotic action that we're used to from many action films today. So of course there is a sequel in the works.

Quote from review. “This movie had no heart to it. It just happened. I didn't even hate it. It just happened. Its the kinda movie you'd have on in the background while you vacuumed and could ignore it.”

Oh, boy. This movie sucked so hard. What was really bad was that less than ten minutes in I knew that this was gonna be a hard one to sit through. The acting and story were terrible but the robot effects were good. My original review was just a paragraph long.

Quote from review. “If it were a show you wouldn't watch it. It just drags, is far too predictable, and there is nothing original about it.”

Why in the fuck did I give this such a high score?! Maybe because it made me laugh. No, its not close to being a comedy but I'll be damned if it wasn't hilarious. This movie ended up making less than $40,000 opening weekend before disappearing.

Quote from review. “After attempting to rape his girlfriend because his wolf sperm is out of control he wakes up back at home with his parents murdered.”

This was the second movie that I had to rate a 0 because it was just a series of nonsense. It was less than 90 minutes long but felt like three hours of watching an old man walk around and cook. If you wanted to take a nap this was a great film.

Quote from review. “I refuse to pretend that this is a movie and that I don't 'get it.' This is not a movie. Koko mentioned that it is a pretty film as well as reviews of it. I'm not gonna be guilted or tricked into liking this bullshit. Boo this film!”

I gave this a 2 because it made me laugh for all the wrong reasons. This movie showed that if The Rapture happened it would mean a lot of free clothes for heathens like me left behind. Oh, I didn't even mean to make that joke! This was a live action version of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon.

Quote from review. “Goddamn it! I was tricked into watching a Christian film! I'm not saying all of them are bad. But this one, Left Behind, is so bad that it is funny, then its not, then I laughed again, then I got mad, then I laughed that kinda laugh you hear in asylums from the early 1900's. That long, cackling, not enough oxygen to the brain laughs.”

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