Theater Whore: Left Behind

Left Behind 2/10

Goddamn it! I was tricked into watching a Christian film! I'm not saying all of them are bad. But this one, Left Behind, is so bad that it is funny, then its not, then I laughed again, then I got mad, then I laughed that kinda laugh you hear in asylums from the early 1900's. That long, cackling, not enough oxygen to the brain laughs.

I wanted to see this because I love a good end of the world movie. They usually teach me what not to do. This movie teaches you that if you sin by cheating, gambling, being Muslim, of have Alzheimer's that you will be left behind when The Rapture happens. Nic Cage plays an asshole father/husband pilot name Rayford Steele that sleeps with the stewardess because you gotta get some stank on your hang low where you can.

He meets up with his daughter Chloe played by Cassi Thomson who came to surprise him but he'd rather see a U2 concert in London with his side piece. She knows he is cheating but is a master at passive aggression. 

She meets a hot reporter named Buck Williams...who. Buck Williams? Were these names created on one of those online generators? Buck is played by Chad Michael Murray who you may remember from such films as when you were a teenager.  

So the plane takes off while Chloe gets into a fight with her mom played by Lea Thompson who is very religious and wants her daughter to be. Chloe is all like “God lets bad shit happen!” and her mom is like “That's because he's mysterious...” and Chloe leaves with her brother who has special needs. At least I think he does. While they are chilling at the mall being nerds she hugs him and suddenly wham! Clothes. Butt booty ass naked in heaven while the rest of the heathens panic. And by panic I mean loot and kill each other. Its the best part of the movie.

Meanwhile on the plane full of every type of asshole of situation you don't want to be in everyone is being established as a stereotype of something. Its better if you imagine Stefan from SNL explaining it like New York's hottest night club.

“New York's hottest club is called Nicolas Cage's Debt. It has everything. Chatty Black kids, atheists stewardesses, helpful Muslims, an elderly couple waiting for you to meet the right girl, Asian scientists, armed NFL wives, screaming Latinos, redneck patriots, and exasperated stepladders.”

What's an exasperated stepladder?

“It's that thing, where a gambling midget gets angry whenever you try to help him out.”

Meanwhile Chloe is wandering around the city looking for her brother and mother and everywhere she goes bad shit happens. As she runs to her car a plane hits it. She almost gets shot. On the plane Jordin Sparks thinks that her NFL husband paid the entire plane to steal her daughter. She gets a gun and every time she listens to someone she aims it at them. I was like “Woman, cut that shit out!” She wants to kill herself and they stop her. I would've been like “Do it in the back of the plane, asshole.”

Chloe finds out that the pastor was not Raptured and he explains that you really need to believe in your heart and he didn't. Chloe is still in full tilt “I'm not listening to your shit!” mode and leaves him to cry. She climbs to the top of a bridge and finds out what millions in need over time found out the hard way. God is busy.

But phones still work!

She makes nice with dad and he lets her know that they have no place to land the plane. She finds a motorcycle and rides it to a stretch of road being worked on. Then using a truck she clears a path. Then she powers up a steamroller and makes more room. This shit turned into GTA5 where you can just grab a vehicle and use it!

She creates a flame for them to see where the runway she made is using her dads wedding ring because science. The plane lands safely and Rayford apologizes to the stewardess for not telling her he was married. Fuck all that! Rapture happened! Your feelings mean nothing. All the good people are gone. Chloe reminds her dad that this is just the beginning when he says it looks like the end of the world. Way to be, Debbie Downer!

This was a terrible movie but it was so absurd that I had to sit through it. I wanted to give it a 1 but it made me laugh enough that I gave it a 2. I would never suggest you watch this unless you wanna laugh or if you actually believe in this kinda stuff.

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