Theater Whore: Left Behind

Left Behind 2/10

Goddamn it! I was tricked into watching a Christian film! I'm not saying all of them are bad. But this one, Left Behind, is so bad that it is funny, then its not, then I laughed again, then I got mad, then I laughed that kinda laugh you hear in asylums from the early 1900's. That long, cackling, not enough oxygen to the brain laughs.

I wanted to see this because I love a good end of the world movie. They usually teach me what not to do. This movie teaches you that if you sin by cheating, gambling, being Muslim, of have Alzheimer's that you will be left behind when The Rapture happens. Nic Cage plays an asshole father/husband pilot name Rayford Steele that sleeps with the stewardess because you gotta get some stank on your hang low where you can.

Theater Whore: Ghost Rider Spirit Of Vengeance

I don’t know how they did it, but Marvel managed to make Ghost Rider lovable. I feel the need to defend the fact that I actually sat through this movie. Yes, I know it stars Nic Cage who has been steadily proving that he can get work even though he is now a terrible actor. But the whole crazy thing he does? Its getting really old and messing up movies that have the potential to be good.

I liked the first Ghost Rider movie…from what I remember. I don’t recall hating it. But this one, Ghost Rider Spirit Of Vengeance, is just garbage. What was I expecting? I thought I was gonna see Ghost Rider setting shit on fire and smacking bitches with his chains. Story? Not sure. I’d honestly like to see him just riding around the city catching criminals and giving them his Penance Stare.

Babbling Old Man: Moonstruck

After years of living with the knowledge of never having seen a Cher film besides Mask I sat down with Miss E. and watched Moonstruck. Now this movie was nothing like what I thought it was from my childhood memory of the commercials for it. Honestly I just never had a strong desire to see this movie. But I’m glad that I did.

Cher is Loretta Castorini. She’s 37, widowed, and unhappy about it. Her boyfriend Johnny played by Danny Aiello proposes to her and she accepts. He has to leave for Italy until his mother dies. Loretta, being terribly superstitious because her former husband was killed by a bus (doesn’t help that as the plane takes off an old lady says that she cursed the flight and that it will crash into the sea) decides that the entire wedding has to be traditional.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Nicolas Cage

“I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.“ Nicolas Cage

I cant believe it took me ten Bad Ass Mofo blogs to finally get around to the man that exemplifies what it means to be a Bad Ass Mofo. This weeks entrant is the craziest man on the planet, Nic Cage. Born Nicolas Kim Coppola, Cage started off as a normal actor doing normal roles. This was just a front for the batshit insanity that dwelled within him. Proof of his incredible acting skills can be seen by the fact that even till this day we still believe he is a human being. He’s not. He’s a fucking vampire! Or Highlander. Either way he has been around for hundreds of years and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Not that we’d want to. The honorary mascot of The DNA Show lives inside each of us. Even jawless Roger Ebert once said "There are often lists of the great living male movie stars: De Niro, Nicholson and Pacino, usually. How often do you see the name of Nicolas Cage? He should always be up there.”