Theater Whore: Ghost Rider Spirit Of Vengeance

I don’t know how they did it, but Marvel managed to make Ghost Rider lovable. I feel the need to defend the fact that I actually sat through this movie. Yes, I know it stars Nic Cage who has been steadily proving that he can get work even though he is now a terrible actor. But the whole crazy thing he does? Its getting really old and messing up movies that have the potential to be good.

I liked the first Ghost Rider movie…from what I remember. I don’t recall hating it. But this one, Ghost Rider Spirit Of Vengeance, is just garbage. What was I expecting? I thought I was gonna see Ghost Rider setting shit on fire and smacking bitches with his chains. Story? Not sure. I’d honestly like to see him just riding around the city catching criminals and giving them his Penance Stare.

"In three minutes you're gonna feel terrible!!!"

He does do the stare but it takes forever to do! They explain this power through a shitty animated sequence at the beginning. Yes, a shitty animated sequence…from a movie…by Marvel Comics. They should be shamed of this. “Why the hell are you so upset about this movie?” you may ask. To which I reply “Because I fucking love Ghost Rider!” I used to draw this guy all the time. Its hard to fuck him up but they’ve managed to for millions of dollars.

This is the face I make after drinking apple juice.

So the story, which is something that any hack could’ve done, is a kid is going to be used by The Devil/Roarke to tranfer power and end the world and blah blah blah. Crap. Idris Elba is totally wasted as a drunk monk that wants to help Johnny Blaze (that’s Ghost Rider in human form who acts crazier than the demon version) gain his soul back and not be the Spirit Of Vengeance.

"Your mom really shouldn't have left you alone with me."

The kids mom is all like “No, not my innocent child that I conceived with The Devil and use to help me pickpocket people!” Blaze agrees to help. Now, the one thing I will say looks well about this movie is the effects used for Ghost Rider. But that cant make up for the weak ass story. As soon as you know the plot you know how this ends.

The bad guy. You can tell because he has an accent. 

So later the ex boyfriend and not father of the kid that will help end the world…one second while I rant. The ceremony that is going to end the world is attended by very rich and evil people. Justice League Doom is the first movie to address “Why would we help you end the world when we cant spend money?” These guys are just like “Whaevs. Let’s do this.”

Idris Elba with his Jamaican, French, English voice handing out guns. The drunk guy...with the weapons.

Anyway, Christopher Lambert (who they say had three months sword training which would be cool if he used it in the film) is in this as a bad monk but not really since he wants to kill the kid too because he knows its evil. The ex boyfriend becomes the villain Blackout who no one knows about. He can rot stuff.

What. The. Fuck.

Drunk monk, mom, and Johnny Blaze who no longer is the Ghost Rider get a bunch of guns, because that’s what monks collect along with wine for fun, and attack the evil people. The kid helps Blaze become Ghost Rider and a chase ensues that goes on for way too long and ends with The Devil being sent back to hell. The boy seems to die but Ghost Rider saves his life. Happy ending!

"I'm telling your motheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer...!"

This movie was done by the directors of Crank. You know that movie right? Yeah. Why would you give these two the money to make this pile of flaming shit? You cant have Nic Cage in human form out crazy the fucking demon with the flaming skull! It would make so much more of an impact if he was a normal guy (think Bruce Banner in The Hulk) who went nuts when changed. It cost 57 million and made 22. You know that awesome movie Chronicle? Costs 12 million and has made 51 million in three weeks. Marvel, cut the crap, okay?