DVDiculous: Gamer

So with nothing to watch since movies have decided to suck ass and everything the Oscar’s thinks are good movies stink 95% of the time I said to myself “Fuck it. I’m gonna watch something bad on purpose.” And I did. I decided to check out Gamer. At the time Gerard Butler (300, Law Abiding Citizen) was all like “I will be in any movie you ask me to be in.” And, by god, he was.

Because fuck the Oscar's.

This is about a rich asshole named Ken Castle played by Michael C. Hall (Dexter) who creates these nanobots that get inserted into people’s heads allowing them to live in virtual worlds. One of the worlds is a game called Slayer where criminals fight for freedom. That’s where Butler comes in as Kable. So far he has won almost 30 straight games and is closer to freedom than anyone else ever has. Oh, and some asshole kid is controlling him.

In 2015 we'll all get our very own Justin Bieber!

Another game is Society which is like Sim City but instead of playing as regular ass avatars you get to use real people who do this stuff for money. Most of the people are hot and act crazy as hell. Folks are having sex, drinking, getting hurt. There’s one scene where these two girls collide and fall getting hurt. The gamers controlling them laugh, because fuck it, they don’t feel the pain.

Unlike me whenever Ludacris was on screen. 

One of the people being controlled voluntarily to make money is Kable’s wife named Angie played by an actress that manages to look fucking hot and sad as shit at the same time Amber Valletta. She needs money since her husband is locked up and her daughter has been taken away. She is always in a sexy situation. This is what she looks like.

Hello, nurse!!!

Does that make your pants tight? It sure made mine. That is until you see the guy controlling her.

Damn it all!!!

Yeah. Every time she says something freaky naughty they switch back and forth showing this big greasy sumbitch that looks like the dude from Se7en. My penis didn’t know what to think! So this movie tries to make you see how fucked up our gaming culture is and how big corporations can pretty much buy our souls and we wont care as long as its fun and feels good.

Yes, that is Pedro on the left. 

Kable ends up having to fight off a guy that is not controlled by Castle who tries to randomly attack him. He walks up to him butt ass naked at one point with his hands covered in blood. I was like “Ew!” But Kable is so cool about it. Later Ludacris, the leader of some hackers known as Humanz, get in touch with him and the kid controlling him.

This guy? Not controlled at all.

Eventually the kid lets Kable cut loose on his own. He downs a snuck in bottle of vodka and pukes it up and pisses it into a car to get it moving. That happened. He ends up getting away and finding his wife. They find out that he was part of an experiment started by castle to control people and he killed his friend. This leads to all those people who helped Kable escape getting killed.

Which doesn't matter because this is his wife. 

Kable is finally face to face with Castle who has his daughter and is ready to start killing the shit out of people. You have waited over an hour for this moment and damn it you wanna see some blood! Yaaaargh!!! Too bad. Here’s a dance sequence.

Yep. 

Yeah, that happened too. So after these guys dance Kable starts killing them. He drops them on their heads breaking necks, he punches some to death. He is going berserk. Then he gets lead onto a basketball court where the big ass Blacker is waiting for him. They fight and Kable kills him too. He tries to get Castle and cant because of the robots in his head.

This is exactly how I felt after the last two seasons of Dexter.

Kable, with the help of the asshole kid, stabs and kills Castle. He now has his wife and daughter and the company, just by asking them nicely, fix everything and walk away. Kable and his family drive off happily into the sunset. What a strange ass film. It wasn’t as bad as I’ve read. It was what it was. Just a bunch of violence and sexy time for the fuck of it.