Insert Coin: Friday The 13th

“Players control one of six camp counselors (each with varying levels of speed and jumping ability) in a side-scrolling perspective. The counselors start with an arcing rock attack. The goal is to find and defeat Jason three times. Along the paths, players will find cabins, a lake, caves and wooded areas with all but the cabins having enemies such as zombies, crows, and wolves attacking the player.”

This was one of those games that failed so hard at everything it tried. Friday The 13th for Nintendo wasn’t scary, fun, or playable. My parents managed to get me some of the most obscure games when I was little. It wasn’t like I even asked for this game. I just got it. And then I played and thought “I don’t get this…”

"Do you get this?! My...Toothbrush?"

You play as a bunch of camp counselors who are trying to save kids from Jason. Now, in this game for some reason Jason looks like a fat creepy uncle. He looks very outrunable. That is not a word by the way so I don’t suggest using it in real life lest your friends accuse you of going to the LAUSD. Which I did. You got weapons to use against Jason who would pop up and try and stab you. Good thing you had things like…fire.

Stranger danger!!!

In case having to deal with this jerk wasn’t enough you have to fight nature. No, not the weird feeling you get in your pants when you stare at rocks. But like wolves and birds. Jason cant control animals! That was never mentioned in any of the 1,300 films! But here you are running through a forest fighting wolves. And they’re not regular wolves. They’re like these cracked out huge ones.

And vagina trees. 

Oh, and there’s Jason’s mama’s head! Yeah, besides collecting weapons and sweaters (oh, lord…) you had to fight a giant floating head that attacked you. Why? Well, I think its too late to start finding logic at this point. Just chuck some giant knives at her until you save some kids whose parents don’t give a fuck about their lives.

Jokes about Jason's mothers' great head never get old. 

So after making it to the end of this raggedy game where you “beat” Jason you were greeted with a screen telling you that you had won…but not really. This was a stupid running gag at one point in the 80’s for video games. They thought their game was so cool that you’d dare to buy the sequel. Nope. I think a new version of this would rule, but then I remember the terrible music from this game and scratch my head and sigh knowing that I wasted hours trying to save kids I don’t care about. I call those weekends.

"Lonely. I'm so lonely..."