Insert Coin: RoboCop

"RoboCop was released in 1988 by Nihon Bussan/AV Japan. In the game, a player controls RoboCop who advances through various stages that are taken from the 1987 movie. The bonus screen is a target shooting range that uses a first-person perspective. The intermission features digitized voices from the actors."

RoboCop was one of those Nintendo games I borrowed for a long time because if I owned it I would have either tricked someone into trading with me or put my face through the screen. After seeing the movie when I was young I stupidly assumed that this game would be badass. It wasn't. It was weird and slow and not full of as much action as I was expecting.

Insert Coin: Marble Madness

“Marble Madness is an isometric platform game in which the player manipulates an onscreen marble from a third-person perspective. The player controls the marble's movements with a trackball, though most home versions use game controllers with directional pads. The aim of the game is for the player to complete six maze-like, isometric race courses before a set amount of time expires. When a player completes a race, the remaining time is added to the next race's allotted time. The game also allows two players to compete against each other.”

Yeah. If you wanna find out just how hard someone can hit play this game with them. This one was of the most aggravating video games ever created. This isn't like Tetris where you can go “Oh, this goes there and I will win the round” and you go too far and fuck up and lose. No. Marble Madness seemed as if it was set up to make you fail and lose your shit completely. The sad thing is that I rented this game three weekends in a row from the video store. RIP Cal-Fal Video.

Insert Coin: Friday The 13th

“Players control one of six camp counselors (each with varying levels of speed and jumping ability) in a side-scrolling perspective. The counselors start with an arcing rock attack. The goal is to find and defeat Jason three times. Along the paths, players will find cabins, a lake, caves and wooded areas with all but the cabins having enemies such as zombies, crows, and wolves attacking the player.”

This was one of those games that failed so hard at everything it tried. Friday The 13th for Nintendo wasn’t scary, fun, or playable. My parents managed to get me some of the most obscure games when I was little. It wasn’t like I even asked for this game. I just got it. And then I played and thought “I don’t get this…”

Insert Coin: Paperboy

I loved Paperboy when I was little. Though it was hard as hell it was still way fun to ride your little bike around a nice looking neighborhood doing what every kid that wanted to earn an honest buck in the 1800’s wanted to do. Deliver newspapers. Oh. And. Fuck. Shit. Up.

                                           
“The player controls a paperboy on a bicycle delivering newspapers along a suburban street which is displayed in a cabinet perspective view. The player attempts to deliver a week of daily newspapers to subscribing customers, attempts to vandalize non-subscribers' homes and must avoid hazards along the street. Subscribers are lost by missing a delivery or damaging a subscriber's house.”

Insert Coin: Kung Fu

“The player takes the role of Keiji Thomas, a man in a Keikogi and slippers. Thomas's girlfriend, Sylvia, has been kidnapped by ‘Mr. X‘, and Thomas must fight through five side-scrolling floors full of enemies to rescue her.”

If you ever want to know what Mr. X sounds like I can do a great impersonation of him. The bastard can be heard laughing every time you die. I swear if when people died in real life sounded like it did in this game no matter how tragic the death you wouldn’t be able to help but laugh. A loud ass “Boing!!!” and you freeze up like a dead roach.

Insert Coin: Contra

Back on the NES if you did not have Contra you were a sad sack. Besides Mario Bros., Duck Hunt, or Zelda this was the one game you abso-fucking-lutely had to own. Otherwise kids would chase you home from school and straight into your Contra-less life. I mean, who could ask for better role models than these two guys?

Contra is a game about, uh, I’m not sure actually. I should probably do a little bit of research before I decide to start writing articles about shit.

Insert Coin: Nintendo Entertainment System

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