Insert Coin: Kung Fu

“The player takes the role of Keiji Thomas, a man in a Keikogi and slippers. Thomas's girlfriend, Sylvia, has been kidnapped by ‘Mr. X‘, and Thomas must fight through five side-scrolling floors full of enemies to rescue her.”

If you ever want to know what Mr. X sounds like I can do a great impersonation of him. The bastard can be heard laughing every time you die. I swear if when people died in real life sounded like it did in this game no matter how tragic the death you wouldn’t be able to help but laugh. A loud ass “Boing!!!” and you freeze up like a dead roach.

                                                        Midgets: The silent killer.

One of the funniest things about this game are the villains. The bosses are not really bosses so much as they are villains that have to be hit a couple more times more than the regular enemies. As for the regular villains, their fighting style is running at you with their arms in the air unarmed.

                                                “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!”

If you kinda suck at looking left and right the enemies will attack you. Meaning touch you. They get to you, a guy whose mission is to kung fu their boss to death, and your best fighting technique is to gather on him and pretty much smother him to death.

                                                                      “Mmmph!”

If you manage to survive their deadly Smothering Weasel Style you can fight guys like this stick using son of a bitch. Why don’t you have a weapon? That would be really useful seeing as how you’re fighting men, magic using hunchbacks, bees, midgets, and fucking dragons. Yes, you fight dragons! But one punch or kick and they die. The stick bitch is harder to beat than a dragon?

                                         “You have the right to remain silent…”

The hardest enemy in this game is the knife throwers. These fuckers get you all the way from across the screen with magic knives that hit you but not their friends. Just when you get used to dodging knives coming at your face he starts throwing low! Come on!

                                                             “I got this, guys.”

If you survive all the above, a big Black dude in sweatpants and a tank top, which we all know is the most dangerous kind of Black man, you fight Mr. X who is a scrawny White dude who can do whatever you can but better. Whip his ass and you get your woman back. Or so you think…

                                                 “Wait. What does that say?!”