TV Slut: All Star Superman

“Mercy…” - Solaris


“I don’t think I have any left.” - Superman

I have to give this movie credit for trying to cram a whole lot into just 80-something minutes. But they did a good job. All Star Superman is a multi-issue series of comics of the same name combined. It begins with Superman saving a ship running tests. Superman discovers a new power where he can extend his “bioelectric aura.” Basically a “Supernet.”

                                            Sadly, this was not a new power.

Supes finds out that he is overpowered and dying. This is the part where I speed things up a bit. Hold on. Superman tells Lois Lane that he is Clark Kent. She thinks he is a liar but eventually believes him. He makes a serum that gives her his powers for a day. He even makes her a costume. They end up fighting alongside Samson and Atlas against lizard men from the center of the Earth. They are time travelers so they know Superman will die soon and want his woman. Bastards. While Lex Luthor who planned this whole mess with Superman getting overpowered is in jail for, uh, being Lex fucking Luthor, The Parasite accidentally gets loose.

                                              “You gon’ eat yo cornbread…?”

After defeating him Clark Kent finds out that Lex can escape at any time. He doesn’t even care to. He just wants to see Superman die before he does. Lex’s niece Nasthalthia takes Clark away. She wasn’t even that important to this story so I probably wont mention her again. Plus she was 16 so I cant talk about her body. Two Kryptonians named Bar-El and Lilo show up after Superman leaves to take the bottle city of Kandor someplace nice. These dicks remodel everything before starting to die from Kryptonite poisoning. Superman sends them to The Phantom Zone to preserve them until he finds a cure.

                                             This is not The Phantom Zone.

He starts writing what is pretty much his will when suddenly Solaris shows up. He’s a big ass planet like creature that fucks with suns. Lex made a deal with it and during his execution got a hold of the same super serum Lois took earlier. Superman and his robot army go and start beating the shit out of Solaris when suddenly he kills Superman’s pet star eater. That was a bad idea.

                                                                     Beast Mode.

Superman now takes on Lex who has super powers and the battle ends when Lex all of a sudden realizes just how the world looks to Supes. Superman wins and Lex goes to jail and reveals that he knows how to make Supermen himself now. Superman is fixing to explode into pure light so he kisses Lois one last time before heading to the sun to stop it from exploding.

                                              "I wish I knew how to quit you."

This film was very action packed and could’ve easily been an entire season of a series. The voice work wasn’t as cool as previous DC films, specifically Lex Luthor’s voice. Clancy Brown IS the voice of Lex but they went with Anthony LaPaglia who doesn’t have the same cockiness and dickishness. Still, this is a cool flick and worth renting for sure.