Insert Coin: Paperboy

I loved Paperboy when I was little. Though it was hard as hell it was still way fun to ride your little bike around a nice looking neighborhood doing what every kid that wanted to earn an honest buck in the 1800’s wanted to do. Deliver newspapers. Oh. And. Fuck. Shit. Up.

                                           
“The player controls a paperboy on a bicycle delivering newspapers along a suburban street which is displayed in a cabinet perspective view. The player attempts to deliver a week of daily newspapers to subscribing customers, attempts to vandalize non-subscribers' homes and must avoid hazards along the street. Subscribers are lost by missing a delivery or damaging a subscriber's house.”

I never really thought about it before, but this kid is a straight up asshole. You mean to tell me that if I don’t subscribe to a newspaper this punk ass kid gets to jack my house up? Not only that he gets paid more for the amount of damage he does?! No wonder the fucking Grim Reaper chases his punk ass down!

                                                      

"I hate the L.A Times!"

In this game all the houses of people you are supposed to wreck are painted red. Presumably with the blood of past paperboys who had the balls to knock over their plants, smash their windows, and smack their yappy ass dogs with 3lbs. of rolled up pain. Seriously, what job is worth all this nonsense? Tornadoes just appear out of hillbilly air and knock you down. Some of the houses even have tombstones out front!

                                                                           

Proof!!!

The funny thing is that after surviving all of Hell’s creation you get to race on a obstacle course! Yay…? And this kid has to be juicing because he carries a shit ton of newspapers and doesn’t get tired. One of my favorite things to do was a drive-by on the bad houses. Smashing the hell out of all their windows and escaping that crazy ass lady that burst out the front door to get you only to be stopped by a remote control car…

That. Happens.

                                         
Think about it: If some kid had the job to get paid to break your windows and destroy property because you didn’t like the morning paper, every neighbor would rise up and merc this child every week. You know what’s black and white and red all over?

                        

The pavement when this asshole is finally stopped.