“If you're trying to please everyone, then you're not going to make anything that is honestly yours, I don't think, in the long run.” Viggo Mortensen
The Bas Ass Mofo of the week is Viggo Mortensen. I’m sure some of you are surprised and wondering what makes him such a bad ass let alone enough of one to be the BAM of the week. Its because in the movie Eastern Promises he acted out my worst nightmare: being attacked while butt booty ass naked! Seriously, can you think of a worse time to have two dudes try and shank you? I sure as hell cant! He’s also not ashamed to flash his balls on screen in front of millions of unsuspecting theater goers.
Viggo calls them Wednesdays.
I thought that the first film I had seen him in was Lord Of The Rings and gave an elf queen such good sex that she was willing to give up immortality to be with him. You’re lucky if you can get your woman to bring you a beer out of the next room. Yeah, he was like 80-something years old but he didn’t look a day over 40. And did you see the way he was kicking Orc ass? I wanted to sleep with him! Wait. What?
“What did he just say…?”
It turns out that I had first seen him in GI Jane as the asshole who ran basic training. He is one of the only men besides OJ Simpson that can beat the shit out of a woman and not be punished. Yeah, I went there. This guy is a chameleon and able to look like a different human being in every film. In The Road, one of the most depressing films ever made, his wife is the hot ass Charlize Theron, and even when she kills herself or whatever the hell she does he’s so bad ass that he doesn’t kill himself but says “Fuck it” and walks the country with his whiny ass son fighting for canned food and the last can of soda.
“I swear if that’s a Fanta he dies…”
Viggo is a poet, painter, musician, photographer, and actor. Either one of those is enough for your wife to leave you or your girlfriend to forever look at you differently. If I died and got to choose who to come back as it would be him. A White dude that is better than everyone man alive on every level. The gods tried to weaken him by giving him that strange name but it only made him stronger! Seriously, if Viggo climbed into your bedroom window right now and tried to have his way with you would you put up a fight? Yeah. That’s what I thought.
This is the face you'll see as he leaves your ravaged body.
1 comment:
"Seriously, if Viggo climbed into your bedroom window right now and tried to have his way with you would you put up a fight?"
My window has a sign with an arrow that says "Viggo, climb in here"
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