FAP FILES: Charlize Theron

This Fap Files is dedicated to the one and only Charlize Theron. My spell check hates her name. She is a fine ass African beauty. Yes. She was born in Africa. You learned something new today. I think I first saw her in The Devil’s Advocate, which is a terrible film but it introduced me to the love Charlize. Her mom also shot her dad in self defense. That. Happened. She also hurt herself making that terrible film Aeon Flux. Man, that movie blew. But I still watched it just to see her do stuff. Sexy looking stuff. Flexible stuff. She practiced ballet for years so she’s very bendable. Which means she can do things in bed that you think you want a woman to do but will ultimately make you realize that half the shit you see in porn is unrealistic and will make the sexy time even shorter.

4, 5, 6 seconds tops. On a good day.

She won an Oscar for playing a killer in Monster. She gained 30 pounds and made her hair look like she lived in the Ozarks. She had a constant frown and looked a hot mess but I’d still hit it. Come on! As long as I know its her underneath ain’t nothing wrong with that!

Make me feel good...

She describes herself as a “highly sexual creature.” You know what that means? Yeah. You will never have sex with her. Whenever you are dating a girl she doesn’t say shit like that until after you break up. All of a sudden she becomes Miss Blowjob 2011. She also loves fried food and never wants to get married. I mean honestly. Is she just trying to fuck with every guys brain? She is saying too much rightness. Oh, and she’s funny as hell. In almost every interview she is entertaining. She may be single handedly (two if you’re me) keeping Kleenex in business.