Friday, September 23, 2011

Art Imitating Life

In films there are always people that do things that bug us. Things that are supposed to be funny, clever, or cool but in reality would make you punch them in the face. So I with the help of Trixie came up with a mixture of some of these things.

Quirky Girls
Oh, you know the type. The weird girl that paints or has a house full of knick knacks that she started doing as a child but have managed to stay in perfect condition. She’s cute in a mousey way and always manages to make the straight laced businessman cut loose and find his inner child. In the movie The Adjustment Bureau this chick takes Matt Damon’s phone and drops it in his cup of coffee since he needs to use it. Zooey Deschanel is the main offender of this nonsense. If someone take my metaphorical cell phone and dropped it in my coffee I would likely shake the shit out of her.

He is usually a photographer. He takes pictures of you when you’re not looking. Not a few. His room is covered with pictures of you smiling or just walking down the street to your house. In real life he’s called a stalker. In movies he’s kinda cute and strange and all of your friends make fun of him. This dude is dangerous and the police need to be arrested immediately. At first the girls friends are like “Ew, he’s gross!” and she agrees until one day she sees him looking at a trash bag floating around that is so beautiful it makes him burst into tears. Wes Bentley is the coverboy for this freak.

Loud Displays Of Love

It can be someone showing up while you’re out and dancing for you. He can surprise you when you’re on a date with another guy that looks better than him by singing with his friends. Or he can show up at your house early as hell and blast Phil Collins at your window. Neighbors be damned! He is in love and he’s gonna let you, your mama, and the rest of the world know just how much he wants to be inside of you! Some dude was just arrested for having his friends sing background for him while he tried to get his girlfriend back. She had a restraining order against him already. See? John Cusack inspired too may of these weirdoes.

Clumsy People

They knock over your pile of papers. They accidentally erase the report you’ve been working on for the last three weeks straight. They spill the beans to your parents about the fact that you’re gay to your parents by asking if your boyfriend is coming by later again. They manage to cruise through life causing mass destruction wherever they go but so far no one has murdered them. In real life I would push them into traffic and the city would hold a parade in my honor. These people are dicks, not funny. The worst of these kinda people are like Zach Galifianakis in Due Date. I didn’t feel bad when Robert Downey Jr. spit in his dogs face.

Showing Up Unexpectedly

They treat you like crap. They yell at you. They throw things. They are constantly threatening to keep sex from you or making fun of the sex you give. They are jealous ass mofos. But this all changes when they feel threatened by another person. All of a sudden they cant keep their hands off of you. In front of this other person they want to hold your hand and kiss you as much as they publicly can while keeping eye contact with this other person. They suck and you know that by the end of the movie they will get dumped. Its just hard watching guys stick with them throughout the film when its obvious they shouldn’t be together. Anna Faris acts like this in Just Friends.


He treats you like crap. He has a wife or girlfriend(s) that he treats just as bad as you. Sometimes he’ll bitchslap you just to let you know who’s the boss. But he’s so dreamy! You tell some of your friends how bad he is (usually your long time best friend of the opposite sex whose wanted your dumb ass for years but never said anything) but stick with him because…honestly, no one knows why you do it. Not even you. But there he is coming home smelling like another woman and sometimes falling asleep still wearing a condom from his last sexual encounter. He tends to be stank ass rich and we all know that no matter what money is what’s the most important thing in a man. Mr. Big from Sex In the City is the best possible example of this nonsense.


Everyone wants to sleep with her. Most get the chance except maybe the one person that will treat them right. She will come out of a room wiping something from her mouth before flirting with another guy (or girl) who doesn’t seem to give a damn and will head back into that room with a bed still warm from the last tryst. In real life sluts are cool because, well, whores make the world go ‘round. But the whores in film usually get good guys beaten up or killed, which is no fun for anyone but the whore who will move on to the next one. In real life they would have a face full of cold sores and genitalia that resembles something from Cloverfield. Shane from The L Word would be this creature.


You fall in love with someone thinking they are who (and what) they say they are. And then one day you find out that they are a serial killer, batshit crazy, or oh I don’t know, not the sex they told you they were! No one ever really likes anyone for who they are so can we really blame folks for pretending to be someone else? Of course their clever ruse is unveiled and they try their best to convince someone they meant no harm. They are spurned and then the person tells them the line that is never true: “I would have liked you if you had been yourself.Lies! All lies! Hilary Swank from Boys Don’t Cry is the extreme example of this.

Mental Disorders

They collect weird things. They do some strange stuff but you just chalk it up to “Oh, they’re just unique.” Until you drop a cup and they kick you in the throat. There are characters in movies that exhibit forms of mania that would have them either heavily medicated or under observation. At the very least carefully watched. You wuld do everything in your power to keep away from these people. But not in movies. In movies if you stick around long enough you find out that they’re just misunderstood. Aww. Adam Sandler in Punch Drunk Love is a fucking sociopath.

Being Poor

Look at this asshole. They always mooch from friends and contribute nothing in terms of money, company, or conversation. Their job is simply to take and take and take. In real life we all know someone like this and probably keep them around just to talk shit about them until one day you snap and they’re like “I never knew you felt this way…” and they slump their shoulders. Now you’re the asshole. Some people turn being poor into an art form like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex In The City (yes, I watched every episode of that show). Wimpy from Popeye is the king of brokeassness.

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