Theater Whore: Man On A Ledge

Sometimes you see a movie and you go “Mommy? Why is that man and woman wrestling naked?” And other times a movie makes you go “Wow. That was shitacular!” Man On A Ledge is that movie. I mean, I know that I’m not supposed to expect great or even okay acting from Sam Worthington. But I expect a tiny bit of effort! Am I asking too much?!

"Would a guilty man climb on a ledge...? Huh? He would? Shit."

This movie stars him as a dude who is in jail for a crime he didn’t really commit. He goes to a funeral after finding out his father…or was it his brother? Anyway, someone died and he gets to leave prison to go to the funeral. His brother shows up and he gets into a “fight” with him and somehow manages to take out the two cops who are guarding him, get free, and steal a car. During the chase he is hit by a train and dies. Actually he doesn’t. He gets away from the cops.

"Why won't you look at me?! I'm a hot chick!"

Fast forward to him writing a note, wiping everything down, and getting on a ledge. Next thing you know a crowd forms, a news crew shows up with a chick playing a reporter that played a reporter in Gamer that I just watched. They bring in this hung over chick to talk him down. Turns out she is known for being bad at her job, so of course send her! Actually he asked for her. But still.

"Yes, I was in 40 Year Old Virgin..."

Turns out he was arrested for stealing Ed Harris’ $40 million diamond. He worked for Harris but was knocked out and the diamond stolen and he was blamed for it. Yeah. It involves insurance money and whatever who the fuck cares this is just gonna get worse from here on end so please bear with me as I attempt to explain what turned out to be the dullest heist ever filmed.

Then Ed Harris showed up and it became a zombie film. Fuck. Is he dying?!

Worthington’s brother and his hot fucking girlfriend get into the building where the diamond is being kept. What are the tools they use? Oh, just a skateboard, fire extinguisher, and a security guard who always looks away at the right moment! But who cares. This scene happened.

Fap fap fap fap fap...!

The whole time the chick is trying to talk dude down from the ledge and fails to notice that he is obviously talking to someone in a small earpiece. While on the news one of his old friends who is a cop sees him and is like “This motherfucker got dirt on me!” and rushes to the scene. He is like obviously fucking guilty of something because, well, he’s Black.

"Hey! I'm Black...and still alive!!!"

So the main dude’s brother ends up getting the diamond from Ed Harris and instead of shooting him dead, tying him up, or just wrapping tape around his mouth…they handcuff him to a chair which he drags across the floor and calls for help. Which he gets because almost every cop is dirty in this movie. So they almost get away before ending up on the rooftop where little brother is about to be tossed off. Worthington gives Harris the diamond, a ridiculous shootout happens (I didn’t even mention the SWAT team shootout which involved swinging from ropes, reckless bullets flying, and gravity defying acrobatics).

Jay-zus!

So the Black dude tries to talk him down which doesn’t work but only after locking all the other cops out the room! Guilty, I say! So going back he gets shot and is dead I guess. Worthington jumps off the roof to get Harris and manages to not be killed by all the cops who just spent the entire movie with guns aimed at him knowing he is an escaped convict.

"Don't worry. I'll leap from the building and totally catch him. Because I'm Batman now."

So he breaks through the cops with the help of this homeless guy who gets the crowd riled up at least three times and doesn’t get arrested. He tackles Harris, pulls the diamond out of his pocket like, “Ta-da!!!”, and is arrested. Then is released immediately.

Too cool to care.

Next they are in a bar and the younger brother proposes to the hot girlfriend using a ring he stole from a vault earlier. Is it just me or do all of these new heist films end with the happiest fucking ending ever? Oh, and the ex-con former cop who was just released is now getting all up close and comfortable with the negotiator. Oh, kiss the ass. This movie was so bad.

Excuse to post the hot chick (Genesis Rodriguez) again.

How can you be 21 fucking floors off the ground and not have a breeze? How?! There was one scene where wind was an issue and that was just because a helicopter got too goddamn close! Otherwise no one’s hair blows in the air for a moment. Everyone obeys their own rules the entire time and there are no consequences for any deaths caused. Even the negotiator held a SWAT team member hostage and killed a guy!