Way Back: Don Juan Or If Don Juan Were a Woman

A few weeks ago Koko wanted to watch Don Juan, Or If Don Juan Were a Woman. Catchy title with a theme you will hear about 15 times. It was made back in 1973 and stars Brigitte Bardot as Jeanne. She is a woman that tells people that she was a man in a past life. In short, she crazy. She meets up with her cousin while he is preaching at a funeral and tells him that she needs to see him because she may have killed a man. He says no but shows up later at her submarine house because she got that boom boom pow. 

Its funny how when you watch some actors and actresses in older films you realize that they were terrible. They just looked good on screen. Jeanne tells the story of a rich government guy with a wife and kid that she gets to fall in love with her just for fun. She ruins his life and leaves him walking the streets of Paris drunk. Which means he's a normal French citizen. Shut up. Its funny. Next is a guy that is an asshole and married to a young woman. She fucks his marriage up and cockteases him until he slaps her a few times and she smiles and leaves.

Way Back: Sid & Nancy

Koko showed up out of nowhere and said she wanted to watch the movie Sid & Nancy. I'd heard of this movie from 1986 and seen pictures from it but never really had a desire to see it. It was an okay movie but I have a low tolerance for people on drugs. They annoy me. And Nancy in this movie annoyed the shit out of me. This is based off the true story of the murder of Nancy Spungen played by Chloe Webb at the hands of Sid Vicious played by a very young looking Gary Oldman. But before all that....drugs.

Way Back: Footloose

I finally got around to watching Footloose. Yeah, I know it came out over 30 years ago but this was not the kinda movie my parents watched. Cam loves this movie and I've known that since I've known her so after recording our Rockets & Chicken Chocket Award Show we watched it. Its not exactly what I thought it was about. This is the tale of a poor preacher Rev. Moore, played by John Lithgow, and father of a dead son that just wants his quiet town to worship in peace. But his undiagnosed with a multitude of mental disorders daughter Ariel played by Lori Singer has other plans.

A new kid from the big city named Ren McCormack played by Kevin Bacon shows up to ruin everything. He can not believe that music and dancing are not allowed. These are the two things he loves most in life! He takes a shining to Ariel even though she's seen more penises than a urologist. She is dating this guy that is 80's style asshole but she doesn't care because fuck the system. The entire time this movie is trying to nail it into my head that she is hot. She isn't. Not even 80's hot which would be bag lady style now.

Way Back: Driver

"If I drive for you, you give me a time and a place. I give you a five-minute window, anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours no matter what. I don't sit in while you're running it down; I don't carry a gun... I drive." That is a quote from the 2011 film Drive starring Ryan Gosling and it could also be the tag-line for this 1978 film Driver starring Ryan Oneal. When Koko told me about this movie she said that Drive was a remake of Driver and I said it wasn't because the book for Drive was written fairly recently.

Turns out that Drive just borrowed heavily from Driver.

Way Back: Blow-Up

Babbling Old Man reviews are now known as Way Back. The other night Koko and I watched this movie she suggested called Blow-Up. I knew nothing about this movie going in but as soon as I saw the credits I knew for sure that this was an old movie. Made in 1966, it stars David Hemmings as a photographer named Thomas. He starts off his insane ass day photographing a model before taking off to do another photo shoot. He gets annoyed with the models and leaves for a day trip to shop for antiques and a trip to the park. There he takes pictures of a man and woman played by Vanessa Redgrave. The woman eventually sees him and freaks out asking for him to destroy the pictures. She ends up back at his place after tracking him down.

Babbling Old Man: An American Werewolf In London

I decided to watch An American Werewolf In London (1981). I had not seen this movie since I was a little kid an watching it now I realize why I'm so fucked up. This is about two guys traveling around in Britain which means bad things are gonna happen because traveling is bad. David played by David Naughton and Jack played by Griffin Dunne. They end up in a small town that is obviously evil and start asking too many questions.

They head out and go off the path after being told to stay on it multiple damned times. Jack ends up mauled and then David is but saved by the creepy towns people but he now has the curse of the wolf. David ends up in the hospital and his dead friend comes back and tells him to kill himself so that he can go to the other side. David is like “I'm fucking a hot nurse now, so, no!” David ends up turning into a werewolf and eating the shit out of random, polite people in London.

Babbling Old Man: Chinatown

Koko and I checked out the movie Chinatown. Yeah. Took me long enough, huh? It only came out in 1974. It is directed by Roman Polanski and stars Jack Nicholson as a private investigator named Jake Gittes. This movie is incredible and I am mad that it took me this long to see it. This is one of those mysteries where I thought I figured it all out about three times before the ending and was wrong each damned time.

Babbling Old Man: Justice League Pilot (1997)

I made the mistakes of trying to watch the Justice League America TV pilot that I didn't know even existed from back in 1997. Wow, this was only about 24 minutes long and I made it ten minutes in before quitting and forcing myself to last past the first five. This was so bad but not the good kinda bad where it turns good. This was just bad and everyone involved needs to be ashamed of themselves.

Babbling Old Man: Boss Ni**er

Sometimes known as The Boss, Boss, or the movie I add asterisks to, Boss Ni**er is a Blacksploitation written, produced, and starring former NFL player Fred Williamson as Boss Ni**er. His partner is Amos played by D'Urville Martin who directed Dolemite. This movie had no right to be as good as it was. I was expecting to laugh my ass off at how bad it was, but it is really a well made and directed movie.

The director Jack Arnold has directed classic movies like Creature From The Black Lagoon, and The Incredible Shrinking Man as well as the TV shows The Fall Guy, The Brady Bunch, Gilligan's Island, and Wonder Woman. This makes a huge difference. I know there are far more popular Westerns like anything with Clint Eastwood or even the classic Django. But this blew that movie out of the water. Even the fact that n-bombs are dropped constantly and the music is straight up funk, it is still good.

Babbling Old Man: Paper Moon & The Ice Pirates

So I watched this new film called Paper Moon with Ryan O'Neal and his daughter Tatum O'Neal with Beastman and H. I had kinda heard of this film in that I knew that Tatum had won an Oscar at the age of 10 and...that's about it. It's the story of a con man named Moses Pray (I say flim flam man) that goes around to the family of people who recently died and saying that they ordered a specially made bible right before they died and collecting the cash from them. Its a pretty shitty way to scam folks.

Moses heads to a funeral of a woman and as soon as he gets there this lady is like “Hey, you look like this little girl so she must be your daughter and you should take her to her family because you seriously have the same jaw as her so take her to St. Louis!” The little girl, Addie, goes with him and eventually starts running these scams with him. They start with charging more for the bibles, running cash register schemes, and eventually getting around to robbing a bootlegger. Bad idea. When they got to that point I knew that someone was gonna get their ass kicked.

Babbling Old Man: Samurai Cop

I watched this crazy ass movie that I heard about called Samurai Cop. He's hardly a cop and barely a samurai. This move was made in 1991 and fucking insane. Some of the worst acting, action, sex scenes, and music I've ever seen...and I loved it. I loved it because it was just so bad that I had no choice. It's like a silly pet that just lets the Frisbee hit it in the face every time you try to teach it to catch. I wrote a series of tweets while watching this nonsense. Enjoy!

Babbling Old Man: Django

I finally got around to watching the 1966 movie Django. No, this is not that lame ass Django Unchained that came out. This movie is about a guy that kills over 100 people and doesn't seem to care about it. I'm still not sure if he is a good guy or not because even when he does something good its for honked up reason. This stars Franco Nero as Django. He's the only person who I'll mention by name because everyone else is a silly person. While dragging a casket through the desert he comes across this woman named Maria who is being whipped by some Mexican dudes. He waits a while and watches as these White dudes kill them all.

Right after she is saved the same guys are like “That's what you get for messing with them Mexicans!” and then they are ready to kill her. At this point the movie, less than ten minutes in, I already a comedy. I feel like I'm watching A Million Ways To Die In The West. Django saves her, takes her back to town, and brings her to a bar/whore house. Not really a difference back then. Turns out that she escaped from the whore house and wouldn't ya know it, the evil White man gang is coming! Everyone knows who this woman is. She's supposed to be half White half Mexican and while I know that it is totally possible to be that and have blond hair, green eyes, and absolutely no accent...come on. Django gets into with these guys and a duel is planned. Django brings his casket out and all hell breaks loose!

Babbling Old Man: Return Of The Killer Tomatoes

So H., Beastman, and I watched Return Of The Killer Tomatoes. This movie was made in 1988. I'd seen the first film and I don't remember it being as silly as this one. Of course, since I was less than 10 years old when it came out my opinion can't be trusted. There are a bunch of films that left good memories that need to be left that way. As an adult I ask far too many logical questions when watching silly things from the past. When watching Tom & Jerry I saw “Ow!” more often than I laugh now.

This movie is silly as hell. It takes place about ten years after the original Great Tomato War. No one can eat or own tomatoes since its illegal so Wilbur Finletter from the original film owns a pizza shop that makes pizzas with no tomatoes. Now...just because you can't use tomatoes doesn't mean that the shit you make has to be weird. Everyone is eating pizzas with candy and vegetables on it.Its gross and weird and I'd just have a burger. His nephew Chad works with him as a delivery boy and has his roommate Matt played by George Clooney who I am sure wold destroy every copy of this movie if he could.

Babbling Old Man: Ghostbusters

The mind is a very strange thing. I have been walking this Erf all these years thinking that I had seen Ghostbusters. Now, this movie came out when I was 5 years old but that's no excuse for not having seen this. The thing is, my childhood was spent watching a lot of horror movies and shit that just wasn't appropriate for children. Hell, I was allowed to listen to Robin Harris standup which when I hear now its a wonder I didn't start cursing until I was 22. I didn't watch Dirty Dancing until a couple of years ago and still haven't seen Footloose. There's just movies that passed me by. Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink? Saw them in my 20's.

But still. I thought I saw Ghostbusters. If you had asked me before I saw Kiyoshi's post I would've sworn that I saw it. I would have been able to tell you what it was about by stating obvious facts. Stay Puft. Don't cross the streams. Are you the key master? Demon dogs. Uh...proton pack. I could have fumbled my way through it. But as I started watching it in the first fifteen minutes I said “Oh my god. I've never seen this!”

Babbling Old Man: Bio Zombie

Beast Man and H. recommended that I watch this movie from the late 90’s made in China called Bio Zombie. Its about these two losers named Woody Invincible who is the smarter one I guess and Crazy Bee. They hang out at the mall fucking with different people when they’re not at work at the video store. Elsewhere these government agents are buying chemicals to make bio monsters for…I don’t know why they’re doing it. It’s a terrible idea.

Woody and Crazy Bee end up hitting an agent that has the chemicals and he asks for a soda, which the chemical looks like, and they give it to him and toss him in the trunk. He later gets out and starts turning everyone into zombies including the nice guy who likes this chick Rolls who was attacked by Woody and Crazy Bee when they stole her ring for cash.

"It's just a flesh wound..."

As they are in the mall stuck and gathering more people to try and get out it made me think of all my friends and people that think they’re my friends and how they would react in a zombie situation. The outlook was not good. I have friends that are afraid of bugs let alone bloodthirsty creatures. So there’s the two guys, two chicks, and a couple where the guy is a total dick to his wife. I wanted him to die so damned bad! They arm up and get ready to fight. They show these funny gaming type montages of each character and their skill level.

Babbling Old Man: The Day Of The Beast

Once again Beast Man recommends this film The Day of The Beast that is batshit crazy. It turns out that I had seen this poster somewhere before but never did any research on the film but while trolling Youtube watching Pewdiepie videos which everyone should do once a week one of the suggestions was the full version of this. So I watched it and damn this movie is nuts!

It starts off with Father Ángel Berriartúa letting another priest know that he has figured out when the Antichrist would show up. The priest wishes him luck and as they walk away a ginormous cross crushes the guy! Just fwap! I’m gonna refer to the main priest as Angel from now on because I’ll be damned if I’m gonna type his name more than once in this. So Angel heads to Madrid to figure all this nonsense out.

He thinks that he needs to be an evil bastard so that he can meet the Devil and kill the Antichrist before it can do what Antichrist do which I assume is watch Wendy Williams all day and force everyone to eat carrots while listening to Taylor Swift albums. So he steals from people, pushes a mime down a subway opening, and as a guy is dying from a car accident tells him he is going to rot in hell. He ends up at a record store where he meets Jose Maria.

Babbling Old Man: Braindead aka Dead Alive

Sometimes when I watch a certain movie, hear a particular song, or see a sun bleached hobo walking down the street I want to know what combination of drugs and liquor made their situation happen. This movie Braindead aka Dead Alive made me wonder this. Beast Man who wants to be known as Beast Master recommended this movie because I’m guessing he is still in the middle of a fever dream and wanted me to watch a movie that has more blood and pus than a German porn.

Some archaeologist and a helper are carrying this box with a wild Sumatran Ray Monkey in it. No, that is not a real thing in case you’re wondering. Okay, let me say this for a second. Going based on movies, archaeologists do nothing but make the world more dangerous for us. They always find some shit that was made for nothing but evil and dig it up and release hell on Earth. Stop that. So these shamaroons run into this tribe and dude uses a machine gun two feet from these guys and hits none of them. He then runs off with the monkey in a box. It bites him and he gets his arms cut off and then his head. Then the monkey is sold. Yeah. That happened.

Babbling Old Man: Saturday Night Fever & Dirty Dancing

I finally watched the hottest new film Saturday Night Fever! Huh? It came out when?! Whaaaa…?! So yeah, I got to see this movie for the first time. With this movie I had seen so many spoofs and clips that it felt like I had seen it but it turns out that even what I thought was the premise turned out to be wrong. For one, John Travolta as Tony Manero was a total dick. He walked around with his pack of asshole friends making racist limericks and getting drunk, high, and banging random ass broads all the time. Its pretty much my life but in 1977.

Getting high and drunk in cars is cool...when you're 15.

So Tony is 19 and lives at home with his loud ass family. He has a brother that’s a priest that wants to quit and does much to the dismay of his mother and loser father. He spends his money on getting new clothes for the disco club and there’s this chick named Annette played by the mom from Out Of This World who wants Tony and is super desperate about it. Shit is not cute. She dances well with him and he tells her she will be his partner for the dance competition. Then he meets another girl and dumps Annette for her.

Babbling Old Man: The Last Dragon

This movie has influenced me in so many ways. None of them good. I believed that if I wanted to bad enough that one day I would get The Glow. No, not by being a good person and practicing for years doing karate. But just by wanting to have the power to look electric and beat the shit out of people. The Last Dragon is one of the best films of the 80’s.

This movie is set in New York where according to movies nothing good ever happens and there’s this dude named Leroy Green aka Bruce Leroy because that shit is funny. He trains to reach the final level like its some kinda damned video game. I’m not a fan of Leroy. Mainly because he’s so damned pretty.

Babbling Old Man: Weird Science

Back when I was little and saw Weird Science it gave me so much hope. I figured that all I needed to do was get my hands on a computer, a Barbie doll, and some chords to create a hot ass woman. Years later it turns out I was right! I mean, they call them Real Dolls and you can update them through your computer but still. I was right and that’s all that matters.

Nothing creepy about this. 

This movie is about two nerds named Gary Wallace (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt Donnelly (Ilan Mitchel-Smith) who are picked on by everyone in their school. This includes recent Bad Ass Mofo Robert Downey Jr. I don’t know why people got off on pantsing others. It always seemed weird to want to see the draws of people you didn’t like.