Babbling Old Man: Weird Science

Back when I was little and saw Weird Science it gave me so much hope. I figured that all I needed to do was get my hands on a computer, a Barbie doll, and some chords to create a hot ass woman. Years later it turns out I was right! I mean, they call them Real Dolls and you can update them through your computer but still. I was right and that’s all that matters.

Nothing creepy about this. 

This movie is about two nerds named Gary Wallace (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt Donnelly (Ilan Mitchel-Smith) who are picked on by everyone in their school. This includes recent Bad Ass Mofo Robert Downey Jr. I don’t know why people got off on pantsing others. It always seemed weird to want to see the draws of people you didn’t like.

They head home and decide to create the perfect woman on their computer. Mind you, this is the 80’s and the computer they used had the power of a calculator now. They put pictures of women before hooking it up to a doll wearing draws. I don’t know which of them has a sister so its weird to have that doll I the first place.

Realizing they need more juice they end up hacking into a government computer for more power. Again, on a computer that adds slower than a toddler today does. As soon as they are complete a lightning bolt hits their house and strange crap starts happening. Its like a tornado in their place. Lightning. Hmm. Something else to add to the Bad Shit That Happens In The 80’s List!

1. Being hit by a train while listening to your headphones too loudly.


2. Ending up on the side of a milk carton with the words “Missing!” and a terrible photo of you.


3. Walking on the third rail in a subway


4. Lightning striking your house.

Its not all that bad since when the smoke begins to clear a hot ass chick comes out of the doorway. Mind you, I know that back in the day hot had a different context. If you saw this kinda woman now you would think she was off her meds and you’d feel bad for taking advantage of her.

Giggity giggity goo!

Now this hot ass woman named Lisa (Kelly Lebrock and if you value your boner do not search for recent images of her!) is the equivalent of a god. She has powers that you can only dream of like making people do crap they don’t want to, changing the world, and actually being in love with these two dorks, going so far as to shower with them. She ends up taking them out to a club in a cool ass car. They get drunk and head home to face an asshole.

Reasoning with 80's Paxton is equal to pissing in the wind.

Chet is Wyatt’s older brother who is played by Bill Paxton. This is of course 1980’s Bill Paxton and there is no reasoning with this man. He was squirrel turd nutty back then. He gets cash from Wyatt and laughs his annoying ass laugh. Later on at the mall the two bullies dump drinks on the nerds whose girlfriends stay with them just because they are popular. God, I wish people realized how little high school mattered.

One of these men became Iron Man.

After erasing Gary’s parents memories after pulling a gun on them they decide to have a party. Hey. It’s the 80’s. We got over things faster back then. The boys decide to try and ditch Lisa to date the other two girls, which makes absolutely no sense! I mean, come on with the come on! They try to recreate the process and end up having a missile appear instead of another girl.

80's Logic. The bigger your hair the hotter you were.

Lisa wants the boys to act like men so she brings in some mutant bikers. Now, this seems a bit excessive. If she wanted to test their manhood bring, oh, I don’t know, a small bear or something. Not these freaks of nature!

"Let the rape party...commence!!!"

They end up scaring off the mutants and all is well until Chet sees how the house looks the next day. The nerds take their new girlfriends home and Lisa threatens Chet. She ends up turning him into a giant turd which makes him finally see the error of his ways. That. Happened!

Face the thing that should not be!

All is well with the world. The nerds have won. They got the girl. No one is gonna fuck with them anymore. Then they get a new teacher. Its Lisa! The end. Back when I was little there was nothing about this movie that seemed impossible. I did believe that if you had enough energy that shit like this could occur. Because I’m stupid. And horny.

So...very horny.

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