DVDiculous: Super

Every few years a superhero movie will come out that features a normal ass human that decides to fight crime. I don’t mean characters like The Punisher or Batman. They have lots of money and have lives that are far more complex than movie characters like Kickass had. Ordinary people who believe that to fight crime you need to put on a costume and kick some ass.

Super is that movie.

Pictured: marriage.

In the words of comedian Louis Black, the guy in this film is a cook named Frank D’Arbo played by Rainn Wilson (The Office, Six Feet Under) is “stone cold fuck nuts.” He recalls that the best moments of his life, two of them, are marrying his recovering alcoholic/drug addict wife Sarah played by Liv Tyler (Jersey Girl, Armageddon, and many other films you won’t admit to watching) and when he pointed out to a cop that a thief had run inside a store. He draws these days to inspire himself daily.

Kevin Bacon ensuring that I never lose "Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon."

One day she just up and leaves him. He reports that she has been kidnapped but the cops, seeing that something is obviously off with the guy, ignore him and tell him she just left him. Kevin Bacon (Every Film Ever Made) plays Jacques and shows up looking for Sarah only to end up having breakfast with Frank. It is a very strange scene.

Frank then delivers the saddest fucking monologue ever. “God, please guide me. Tell me what to do. I hate you god! I'm sorry I said that. It just seems so unfair god. Other people have goodness, they have good things, they have love and tenderness, people who care about their lives. Not humiliated at every turn. Other people have things god, even the starving children in Africa, even their parents love them. Why was I so unlucky, to have my soul born into this disgusting me? This ugly face, this hair, this hair that doesn't comb, and this dumb idiotic personality?”

Drugs or Jesus? You decide.

Frank ends up breaking down and having a vision of having his brain touched by the finger of God. But first some alien arms capture him, slice his head open, and use a paint roller on his brain to remove extra brain fluid before God does.

This just...I don't know. 

The Holy Avenger played by Nathan Fillion (Castle, Firefly) lets him know that Frank has a special purpose. Which Frank interprets as “Go buy comic books.” He does and meets a comic shop employee Libby played by Ellen Page. She makes fun of him for buying a Holy Avenger comic book. You know that something is wrong with this girl pretty fast.

"Shut up, crime!"

Frank decides to put together a costume and fight crime. But he realizes that he needs some kind of weapon and goes back to the comic book shop to find heroes that have no powers. Libby suggests a few and Frank heads back home and decides that there is only one weapon perfect for fighting crime. A giant wrench.

He put the wheelchaired woman on the ground. Not the criminal.

As The Crimson Bolt Frank hits people on the fucking head with a wrench. It seems pretty damned funny until you realize how jacked up that really is. He hits people and they almost die because he’s a pretty big guy and he’s insane as shit.

And as we know "shit" is pretty insane. 

He goes up against Jacques and his gang since Sarah is now under his spell and addicted to drugs and working at a strip club. After a failed attempt to save her at the club he heads to a giant mansion only to end up shot in the leg. He heads to Libby’s place where she rapes his dick. Oh, and the cop who Frank talked to earlier gets shot because the bad guys think its Frank.

Fap.

Libby becomes his sidekick Boltie and she proves that most cute chicks are crazier than the owners of chimpanzees. She says that a guy keyed her friends car so Crimson Bolt and Boltie head over to confront him. Boltie ends up mangling his face with a glass vase and has to be told not to kill him.

Oh, I know this look too well...

She wasn’t even 100% sure the guy even keyed her friends car! “You tell everyone you know! That anytime some stupid fucking bastard wants to commit some gay ass crime that Crimson Bolt and Boltie are gonna be there to crush their little fucking evil heads in!”

She's gonna fuck around and get eaten by this guy.

After seeing a vision of Sarah in his vomit after being raped by Boltie, because she points out that Frank is married but The Crimson Bolt isn’t, they arm the fuck out of themselves with bombs, guns, and Wolverine claws.

It is a clusterfuck. They do manage to kill some guys though. Inside a huge drug transaction is taking place and Sarah is being sexually assaulted by a guy that Jacques pimped her out to. Boltie and The Crimson Bolt end up being shot but its fine since they have bullet proof vests on. Well, Boltie would be fine but she got half her face blown off and dies.

This one scene is more violent than all three Punisher films combined. 

Frank loses his shit--even further--and shotguns the shit out of everyone. He gets into the mansion and smashes the lead henchmen’s head into the ground. Jacques is like “This isn’t worth it!” and gives Sarah back to Frank before shooting Frank twice in the arm. Frank shoots a dagger up Jacques crotch and then stabs him to death.

He loads Sarah and Libby’s body into a truck and drives off. He and Sarah are fine for a few months until she leaves again. She gets her life together and has four kids with a new guy. Frank’s wall is now covered with dozens of new good day drawings by himself and Sarah’s kids.

The face of coping. 

This movie didn’t do well in theaters. I didn’t see it because, again, the trailer looked bad. I have missed far too many good films because of this. I was talking to this dude Adam at a bar last Saturday when he mentioned this movie and how insane it was. I’m glad I listened and checked this out.

The violence is over the top at times with drawings used to show that Frank is not right in the head at all. The public cheers him and is terrified at the same time. Rainn Wilson and Ellen Paige are perfect for this but there’s no hope for a sequel nor does there need to be. And I have to mention that I’m not attracted to Paige. Until she had that costume on. She got hot!

My name is Dante and I need therapy.