Cops have checked out Lindsay Lohan’s Porsche to see if there was any damage from her accident last week. Like, “Holy shit I just hit a human being and drove off!” damage. They found none but she isn’t out of the woods just yet. Her parole hearing is next week and the guy she allegedly hit and his lawyer says they have video of the whole thing and want her to pony up some cash, $100,000, to keep it from going public. Good luck with that, dude.
MTV isn’t pleased that Snooki is pregnant and The Situation is trying to get sober. Apparently The Jersey Shore isn’t interesting when the people are, you know, healthy! Cant we just stop pretending and fucking have a Running Man show where people kill for freedom already?!
Christopher Chaney, the man who hacked into Scarlett Johansson and Mila Kunis’ cell phones and posted their nude photos, may get 60 years in prison and 3 years probation. For hacking phones you get more time than murderers!
AnnaSophia Robb (that is not a typo her first name is two names combined) will be playing a young Carrie Bradshaw in the Sex & The City prequel. She looks absolutely nothing like her by the way. It’d be like if they got Zac Efron to play me in a film.
Singer (teehee!) Rihanna is very well possibly maybe almost definitely fucking Ashton Kutcher. For some reason this makes me nervous. Together they could create a new STD more powerful than anything Billy Bob Thornton could dream of!
Singer (I guess you could call what she does singing in the same way you can describe the sound whales make as melodic) Miley Cyrus was photographed parking her car in a handicapped spot while going to the gym. Because she’s a bitch and probably thinks that people in wheelchairs are lazy.
Kim Kardashian was at a fund raiser when a young lady walked calmly up to her and poured a bag of flour all over her. They are saying it was staged to get her sympathy since everyone has been all over her like a cheap suit lately. PETA may or may not have been involved. And I may or may not hate the fuck out of PETA.
Reese Witherspoon may or may not be pregnant with her third child. Her ex husband Ryan Philippe may or may not still be irrelevant.
El DeBarge was arrested and then released on drug charges. “It's time to get out step out into the streets where all of the action is right there at your feet!” he should’ve shouted as he was freed.
The autopsy results were released in the death of Whitney Houston. To paraphrase Notorious T.I.D of Tha O Show, “She was on everything but roller skates!” Which isn’t shocking. What is, and isn’t at the same time, is that no drugs were found at the crime scene…along with other shit because no one wants to be arrested for killing her with a lot of shit she shouldn’t have been taking!
Singer (hahahahahahahaha!!!) Ray J, who was dating her at the time says he didn’t know she was on drugs. Uh, the first sign that she was is that she was dating his goofy ass. Bobby Brown’s sister says that he knew. Who are you gonna believe? The sister of a has-been singer or a has been singer?!
Quick: name on Ray J song! Exactly. This guy is only known for who he hangs with. First it was his sister, the singer Brandy. Then it was for taping himself fucking Kim Kardashian, which by the way, was one of the shittiest celebrity porno tapes. Then it was for his shitty reality show where I was supposed to believe that for two seasons groups of women competed to be with him. Now it was for banging Whitney Houston. He needs to go bye now.
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| This is why your dog shit on your pillow. |
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