DVDiculous: Superman: Doomsday

After watching Superman: Doomsday I have come to realize that the people who live in Metropolis are dumbasses. Whenever there is trouble they all rush outside and stare at what’s happening. If I live there I have a bunker far underground. But even that’s not safe because battles go every damned where. I decided to watch this after my constant Superman bashing that goes on during my blogs on this site. So let’s see how that little experiment went.

"Let me holla at'cha, bitch! Holla holla holla!"

The movie starts with Lois Lane nagging Superman about the fact that she doesn’t know his secret identity. That don’t stop her from banging him for half a year though! Could you imagine what your friends would say about you?! “Hey, Vicky Vale? I hear you and Batman are together…” “Yeah. But he gives me his Batwang with the cape on.” he tells her that she will get hurt if she knew but she’s a woman so she’s just like “You have commitment issues!” So he hurls her into space and gives her the Degeneration X crotch chop!

"Whatchu lookin' at?"

That doesn’t happen. Meanwhile on the other side of the globe Lex Luthor is digging and his people find a thing from space. They accidentally crack it open and Doomsday busts out and is like “I’m gonna kill anything that has a shadow!” And he does! He kills everyone there. He even kills a doe. A deer. A female deer! Why? Because it looked at him!

Everyone watching the deserves to have died.

Doomsday makes his way to Metropolis and him and Superman get into a hell of a battle. Just lots of punches and hair pulling. Let me say something for a second. DC pulled this shit in Batman: The Animated Series with Batman when he fought Bane and just snatched the chord with the venom drug out of Bane’s neck after turning it to overdrive. In this movie Superman drives Doomsday into the ground from space. Why not keep going? Why bring him back down into your city?! Its still better than punching each other to death.

Just because you sleep with Superman that doesn't mean you are invincible.

So Superman dies and everyone is sad and all I’m thinking is “Where the hell is The Justice League?” Jimmy quits The Daily Planet. Perry White starts drinking. Lois is all depressed so she drives to Smallville and pretty much lets Clark Kent’s mom because she realizes that Clark hasn’t called and Superman is dead. Took someone dying to know that the dude looks exactly the same but wears glasses!

Merry Christmas!

Next thing you know…boom! Superman is back and fucking people up. He is strange around Lois though. He captures Toyman who looks like a complete pedophile. I thought he looked like an actual toy but I guess they went with a different look. It turns out that this new Superman is a clone by Luthor. He has Superman in his back pocket. Dun-dun-dun!

Swear I saw him on "To Catch A Predator."

Superman’s robot stole his corpse because he was actually not dead. He helps him get better at the Fortress Of Solitude. Lex had stolen the body originally which is kinda creepy when you think about it. Actually its fucking creepy! Seriously, Lex? Seriously?! Corpse stealing?! So while fake Superman is flying around he hears that Toyman killed a child and he’s like “Its time to turn it to 11!” So he kills him.

Superman don't share his cereal with nobody!

Dead serious. He flies him into the sky and drops him on top of a cop car in front of the police station. Then he scares an old lady half to death because her cat got loose and he had to save it. Then the cops try to arrest him and he burns their guns and walks off to a salon. He finds the little lead coated Kryptonite ball in his brain and digs it out causing a salon employee to faint.

Edward James Olmos as Superman.

Bad Superman finds Lex and his lab full of clones while Lois and Jimmy are investigating it and captures Luthor in his red sun room with Kryptonite gloves (does this stuff grow on trees?!) and damn near kills him. The real Superman gets a Kryptonite gun from his robot friend and heads to Metropolis.

Hey, look! More punching!

The two Superman fight it out with the real Superman at only 67% but he’s got a gun so fuck full strength. He wins of course and Lex isn’t dead. Just busted up. He needs to be in jail. This movie was good until Superman died. I didn’t know it was gonna be full of just watching the city get destroyed and people just stand around not dodging certain death. Lois dumbass even almost gets killed on her first assignment out since Supes death! There’s no need to really see this. Its like five years old anyway.