Theater Whore: Tomorrowland

Tomorrowland 4/10

This will have some spoilers. As Tomorrowland ended I asked myself “Who would like this film that I know?” and “Would I recommend this to someone with a kid?” The answers I came up with were “No one” and “No.” This is about a girl that was chosen to help save the future. If I say anymore than that I'll just start to confuse myself all over again.

Babbling Old Man: Return Of The Killer Tomatoes

So H., Beastman, and I watched Return Of The Killer Tomatoes. This movie was made in 1988. I'd seen the first film and I don't remember it being as silly as this one. Of course, since I was less than 10 years old when it came out my opinion can't be trusted. There are a bunch of films that left good memories that need to be left that way. As an adult I ask far too many logical questions when watching silly things from the past. When watching Tom & Jerry I saw “Ow!” more often than I laugh now.

This movie is silly as hell. It takes place about ten years after the original Great Tomato War. No one can eat or own tomatoes since its illegal so Wilbur Finletter from the original film owns a pizza shop that makes pizzas with no tomatoes. Now...just because you can't use tomatoes doesn't mean that the shit you make has to be weird. Everyone is eating pizzas with candy and vegetables on it.Its gross and weird and I'd just have a burger. His nephew Chad works with him as a delivery boy and has his roommate Matt played by George Clooney who I am sure wold destroy every copy of this movie if he could.

Theater Whore: Gravity

Gravity 4/10

Oh, Gravity. You're such a...nice looking film. That's about all the good I can say about what is continuously being called a great movie. Its not. Its just a pretty plate with nothing on it. Sandra Bullock is Dr. Ryan Stone and George Clooney is Lieutinant Matt Kowalski. That's all you need to know about this movie. Clooney is his usual fuckable self while Bullock reprises her role from Speed as a frantic dame in need of help from a man.

This is gonna be full of spoilers so if you don't wanna know some shit then skip this post.

"Bad Ass Mofo": George Clooney

“Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.” George Clooney

This weeks Bad Ass Mofo is George Clooney. I could just base that off of the few movies of his I saw this year. Known for being one of the sexiest men alive he still manages to win even when he isn’t in the running. Every woman wants to have sex with him whether they know it or not. Just the fact that I wrote that and you read it means even you now want to have sex with him. That goes for men too. Oh, come on! Like you wouldn’t want him to put it on your shoulder. We all fantasize about waking up with The Cloon bringing us juice and toast in bed. But no bacon since he owned a pig for 18 years that died and that would be insensitive. Growing up he was on television with his father who was a broadcaster. Wanna see George as a kid?

Theater Whore: The Descendants

Last night I had the pleasure of seeing the new film The Descendants. This was an amazing movie and another example of there being a lot of great films coming out this year and not being advertised until a week before they hit theaters. Before I start this I have to let you all know that this will be full of spoilers. The reviews of this have tried not to do this but you cant really cover this without revealing key elements. I also know that people read shit and forget it so by the time you all watch this you wont remember half of what I wrote.

George Clooney (Three Kings, Michael Clayton, Ides Of March) stars as Matt King. He’s a father, lawyer, and land owner. His family has owned a giant chunk of land in Hawaii for well over a century and he and his cousins have several years to sell the land and are striking while they can get half a billion dollars for it. I’m getting ahead of myself. The movie starts off with a woman, who you find out is his wife Elizabeth, riding in a speed boat and smiling. You will learn to hate this woman. Matt is raising his daughter Scottie and working constantly. His wife ends up getting a traumatic brain injury while speed boating and is in a coma.