Theater Whore: The Amazing Spiderman 2

The Amazing Spiderman 2: 1/10

So how about that The Amazing Spiderman 2, huh? Now, I did not like the first film (click here). I thought that Andrew Garfield was a huge dick as Peter Parker, Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy was just...there, and The Lizard as the villain would have been a cool choice if this was the older films since we'd seen Dr. Conner as Peter's cool teacher. But this isn't about the shitty first film. This is about the shittier new one. And, by god, was it shitty! I'm not even sure where to start. The video game special effects? The horrible soundtrack? The premises for every villain being thinner than toilet paper from the 80's?

And there will be so many spoilers.

"Andreeeeeeeeew!"

This starts off showing some of what happened to Peter's parents because as far as he knows they just bailed on his lame ass when he was little leaving him to be raised by his uncle who is dead now and his aunt he tries his best to ignore. Spiderman stops a truck carrying some chemicals that is flying through the city but not before doing a lot of flips and showing off for the public. He stops the truck that is driven by Paul Giamatti after a shit ton of damage being done. Don't be fooled. Giamatti is in this movie for less than five minutes pre and post Rhino. Fuckers.

Peter saves this Oscorp guy named Max Dillon played by Jaime Foxx. He feels all special because Spiderman said his name and is filled with confidence. Oh, and because he met Spiderman you know that he has to become a villain or die soon. Next thing you know he falls into a pool of electric eels and a electric cord and becomes Electro. How come there was no goddamn lid on the thing?! Anyway, they fight and its a good excuse to use 3D so they do and Electro is held captive. Should be the end of his story but this movie has a budget of over $200 million dollars and they'll be damned if they don't waste every cent of it!

Chill out! Wait. Wrong movie.

Peter shows up at his graduation and tells Gwen that he needs to break up with her which reminds me of a scene from Euro Trip. Fuck, I love that movie. Spiderman was hallucinating while stopping Rhino and saw Gwen's dad who he promised he would stop bringing Gwen into danger. Ha! Meanwhile Harry Osborn who is played by Dane DeHaan and totally wasted has his dad played by Chris Cooper die so he inherits the company and it pushes him into super dick mode. He's crazy before anything even happens. Harry is dying and figures that if he can get Spiderman's blood that he'll be fine. Right? Right?!

By the way I have to point out that Harry and Peter don't seem like friends at all. In every other version of Spiderman from the cartoon to the previous series of movies the relationship between these two was shown so that when Harry eventually becomes the Green Goblin its kinda tragic. In this they don't seem like even associates. Harry didn't even know that Gwen was working for him!

That isn't webbing. I snuck on set. Snoogans. 

Peter finds a lab that his father secretly built instead of, you know, spending time with his weak ass kid. Peter finds out that Gwen is heading to England which is a great idea since New York is being attacked every fucking day. He uses webbing to spell “I Love You” on a bridge, her panties get wet, and she comes back to him. Peter says that he'll go to England with her because fuck Aunt May who just told him how hard it is for her to find work and put Peter through school and just survive without her husband. Fuck that, right? Who needs that stress? Just leave the woman that raised you to handle that shit on her own. There is vagina that needs to be filled and Peter is the man to do it.

Electro who is now working with Harry to destroy Spiderman cause a blackout thank god because watching these two together looking longingly into each others eyes got old after the third time. Gwen comes up with a plan to take down Electro while Spiderman keeps telling her to get to safety. Of course she doesn't and they kill Electro because fuck that guy. Next Harry shows up and he is a literal Green Goblin. He blames Spiderman, who he now knows is Peter Parker for his condition and grabs Gwen and races up a clock tower. Yes. There is a clock tower battle.

So these two nerds go fight in a clock tower and Spiderman wins but not before Gwen is falling down in a long slow motion scene as Spiderman tries to catch her. Now if you know the story of Gwen Stacy then this ending isn't a shocker. Spiderman manages to catch her with his webbing but the sudden shock of being stopped causes her to break her neck. Peter starts crying but by this point, over two hours in, I just didn't care. She was stupid. She should've just gone to England and enjoyed a not always in fucking danger life. She and Peter had no chemistry which still confuses me since they were fucking in real life.

Yes, Spiderman killed Gwen Stacy. 

Peter starts moping and gives up being Spiderman and ignoring everything. Yeah. Aunt May didn't have that luxury, dude. She had to deal with the fact that her husband was killed (kinda because of you...) while you ran off playing vigilante and having a new relationship. She consoled him more than he even tried. Fuck Peter Parker. Oh, I almost forgot about Rhino!

So after not being Spiderman for five months...okay. I know that Batman retired for years but he's Batman so...there. Spiderman comes out of retirement and this stupid kid dressed like Spiderman tries to face Rhino in his big, stupid tank robot suit. Spiderman goes to hit him as he shoots rockets (you know, that scene in the trailer?) and then...

Stare at this for two minutes. You've just seen Rhino in Spiderman 2.

...the movie ends. As you sit through a song going “What the fuck just happened and what am I listening to?!” a scene from the next X Men movie plays. It isn't that cool a scene and proves why Mystique shouldn't have her own film. Oh, and don't be fooled. Just because you saw an X Men teaser in a Spiderman movie does not mean that the two will meet anytime soon. There was some deal between the director and Sony and blah blah blah movie company bullshit. So that was the movie. I hated it more than the first. They will make a third. I hope this movie tanks. I gave it a 1/10 because Emma Stone looks like she tastes like strawberries. 

Click here for previous Theater Whore. 

One more thing! The reviews that I've read from critics proves something that critics have been accused of: they aren't really watching these movies. There are reviews that I read where I go “What the fuck movie did you see because I would've loved to see that one!” I don't get paid to review movies. I'm not sponsored. I see things and tell you how I honestly feel about them and I felt that this movie was trash.