Theater Whore: X-Men Days Of Future Past

X-Men Days Of Future Past 4/10

The funny thing about this movie is that the more I talk about it the more I dislike it. By the time I'm done I may even drop it lower (its currently at a 4/10 for me). I had heard a lot of good things about this movie from people who are fans of comic book films. I tried not to let that influence me too much. I wasn't even too excited to see this because of how bad that last Wolverine movie was so damned bad and X-Men Origins: First Class being good only when Michael Fassbender was on screen.

What's cool is that since there have been a total of seven films in this X-Men universe I have absolutely no need to bring up the comic books. So when I sit here and point out all of the inconsistencies that happen in this film that correlate with the other six its fine. Right?

Nope.

There will be tons of spoilers.

In the future the X-Men are getting wrecked. Sentinels that have the ability to take their mutant abilities and use them are wiping out every mutant on the planet. They are getting killed left and right with no real explanation for anyone's powers. Ice Man is wasting time making giant slides. Sunspot, who no one knows, is wasting time shooting flames. Warpath is using his ability to make people worry by shouting “Here they come!” moments before danger strikes. Colossus is turning into metal and punching things not hard enough. Bishop is...shooting things with his dubstep gun. Blink is teleporting in the same room. They all get wrecked but it turns out they are fine because Kitty Pryde let Bishop know what was going on so they managed to escape.

Wait. What?

That isn't one of Kitty Pryde's powers. She can phase through stuff. That was established in a previous film. Now she can project consciousness through time? Whatever. Wolverine, Storm, Magneto, and Professor Xavier show up and they realize that they are gonna all just die soon. They decide to go back in time and Wolverine volunteers because his brain can heal fast. Never mind the fact that his brain has been scrambled more than the porn I watched as a teen. So Kitty uses this power that is brand spanking new to send Wolverine back.

Wait again!

Why didn't they ever think to do this plan of going back and stopping Mystique from killing Boliver Trask, the creator of the Sentinels, which set this nonsense off in the first place? They find out that Mystique's DNA was used give the robots the ability to use mutant powers. Porf. X tells Wolverine to find him but that he may be a different man at the time. So Wolverine gets transported, has to stay calm (yeah, sure), and wakes up in 1973. 

Wolverine ends up fighting Beast who has the ability to look like Beast when he wants to. Prof. X can walk but not use his powers thanks to a serum created by Beast. Prof. X doesn't wanna do anything but mope about how Mystique is gone. He is finally convinced to help out. Wolverine goes and gets the help of Peter Maximoff to free Magneto from prison. This is Quicksilver, Magneto's son, but shh...they can't say that in this movie.

This leads to a pretty damned cool scene with Quicksilver running super fast while the world is in slow motion. It goes on for about two minutes and was by far the coolest part of the movie. Even the audience was into it. Actually, this was the only time I heard the audience make a sound. Meanwhile Trask is trying to get the government to sign on for the Sentinel program but they don't want to. A younger William Stryker (way younger than he should be) who is the man who would eventually create Weapon X (the program that gave Wolverine Adamantium bones). Mystique finds out that Trask has been using mutants in his experiments. You see former team mates items hanging on a wall.

There's a fight between everyone where Magneto ends up throwing a bullet at her. This leads to everyone outside seeing mutants on live TV. Wolverine sees Stryker, loses his shit, ends up cutting Kitty in the future, forgets who he is, and has to be calmed down by Prof. X. Now that mutants are seen as a threat the government is all about them Sentinels! They even get some of Mystique's blood from when she was shot. Prof. X stops taking his drug and can now use his powers again but begins to lose his ability to walk.

After more nonsense Magneto shows up carrying a goddamn stadium to the White House! Why? It look cool. That's it. The plan was stupid. He ends up fighting everyone but gets taken down by Mystique after she decides not to shoot Trask but shoots Magneto with a plastic bullet but not before stabbing Wolverine with a bunch of metals and launching him into a river.

Are you not entertained?!

In the future Sentinels are attacking. They kill everybody! Colossus? Ripped in half. Sunspot? Dead. Storm? Dead a few movies too late. Even Magneto ends up kicking the bucket. Just when Prof. X, Kitty, and Wolverine are about to be killed the future changes. Wolverine wakes up in the school confused. Jean Grey is alive now as well as Cyclops. Rouge shows up for a cup of coffee. She is on screen for a couple of seconds with Ice Man. Everything is fine. Wolverine and Prof. X talk and he realizes that Wolverine's head is scrambled up. Oh, and in the past Mystique disguised as Stryker decides to take Wolverine away after he is pulled from the river alive.

Was this the best X-Men film? No. I think X2 was. This was the third best. Even though it is bigger than X-Men: First Class I really didn't care about any of the characters. Mystique became this character that everyone wants to fuck and/or have on their arm. Beast, Magneto, and Prof. X all want her but when I think of the first three films there was never even a hint that Prof. X even knew who she was let alone had this entire history together. How did Prof. X get his body back after it was ripped apart by Dark Phoenix? How about Beast creating a mutant cure in 1973 but making it seem like a big deal when its made in the X3 film? Its not new, you did it decades previously! Shut up, logic!

Yeah. Shut up.

You should've heard the silence in the theater after the last scene. I was excited because it was one of my favorite characters from the comics an X-Men cartoons but everyone else just said “Who is that?” These two chicks in front of me actually looked at each other and shrugged. I don't think there needs to be any more X-Men films. You're done. You already showed us that no matter what everything works out in the future. Who cares what happened in ancient Egypt when the future is groovy? Don't get me wrong, this was the second coolest scene in the movie. But who cares? Out of seven films they have made two that had “cool parts.” I'm done with X-Men films until the reboots when I'm closer to 40.

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