Theater Whore: The Amazing Spiderman

If you’re a White guy with long blond hair you better be on the lookout because The Amazing Spiderman is coming for you! “Spiderman! Spiderman! Removes his mask because he can!” I already know that someone reading this is saying “Tobey McGuire took his mask off in his Spiderman movie on a subway full of people!“ to which I say “His mask was on fucking fire!“ This was a two hour movie and by god did I feel every second of it. I didn’t stick around for the extra scene after the credits.

This movie took everything I like about Peter Parker and wrecked it for a new audience. I like the nerdy and awkward Parker. Not this…asshole they replaced him with. He’s not a particularly pleasant guy. His Aunt May and Uncle Ben seem like they love him but just met him from the way they act. Peter’s parents left one night and never came back presumably because they knew their son would grow up to be a dick.

"Does this look bad?"

Peter sticks up for a kid at school and gets his ass handed to him by Flash Thompson and Gwen Stacy saves him. Peter later sneaks into a lab and meets Dr. Connors aka Lizard aka Bad CGI Monster. Ugh. I don’t even want to write this like what passes for a normal review for me. Peter gets bitten, fights some guys in a subway, and hilarity ensues.

Longest battle in the movie.

Uncle Ben gets killed after Peter lets a guy escape after robbing a liquor store. I was like “That’s unfortunate.” I didn’t feel bad the way I did when I saw him killed before or knowing his story because there was no damned emotional attachment on my part to Uncle Ben. Next thing you know Peter is like “Aunt May you stay here and cry about your dead husband while I go on a one man crusade beating up White dudes that look like the guy that shot him! Oh, and build an outfit and wrist bands that shoot webbing. Ta!”

I's uh basskitbawl!

Connors gets sick of being handicapped and injects his serum in his arm and gets a new arm. Then he loses his shit and hunts down this guy he was working on it for and chases him onto a bridge where Spiderman catches up to him and rescues a kid from a car that fell off the bridge. I would’ve let the brat fall. At this point its like the 25th time he has removed his mask. Connors is full Lizard but transforms back and makes a way to turn the city into lizard folks. I’m not kidding. They busted out some old fashioned Super Friends plot for this. Who wrote this shit? Oh. Like four or more people. That explains it. This is what you get when you let the writers of The Rundown, What About Bob?, and another that is working on the hellish live action Akira film that’ll never come out.

Hello my baby hello my darlin' hello my rag time gal!

This film lacked emotion. Seeing Peter act like Spiderman when not in costume isn’t cool. It doesn’t fit. The effects were shaky as hell meaning the city stuff was cool. Seeing him flipping through the air for about 20 minutes of the movie was nice but my god the Lizard looked bad. There’s supposed to be some more of these damned things but I wont be racing to see them. And how the hell did Spiderman fit all that hair under that mask?!