Who Is The Best Batman?

I love Batman. I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m not talking about any particular version of the guy. The idea of Batman makes me happy. And vengeful. There’s no doubt that he has had an impact on my life. As a child I used to pretend I was Batman and would jump off my Grandmama’s porch banister into a shopping cart, slamming my knees and ankles, holding back the pain and waiting for my cousin to shove the cart while imagining flames shooting out the back. I am surprised that my knees don’t look like a game of Jenga. Adam West’s portrayal was my first exposure and will always hold a special place in my black heart.

And don’t get me started on the Batmobile. This thing is still one of the coolest vehicles ever designed and if I was one of those people that just had money to wipe my ass with I’d own it. I wouldn’t own it and leave it in the garage for friends to look at. I’d drive it around and hit the turbo in school zones because I believe the children are the future and the future makes me scared and nervous.

I’ve decided to make a list of the different Batman’s, Bruce Wayne’s, and their Batmobile’s from the films. There’s Batman, Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, and Batman Begins. I’m sure that people are gonna disagree with my assessment of some of these to which I respond “I feel like chicken tonight!” and “Start your own stutarded ass blog.”

Batman (1989)

This was the first real Batman film I ever saw. Saw it at the drive-in theater with my parents and was bouncing around the back seat waiting for it to start. Once it did I was sitting there bored waiting for Batman to start punching people in the neck. Once he showed up I thought he looked uncomfortable…and short. I never pictured Batman as a giant or anything but this guy didn’t seem scary. Yes, a guy dressed as a bat is scary in broad daylight never mind at night, but I’d probably smirk. He didn’t do the one thing Batman should do…instill ear-shitting fear.

Bruce Wayne

Everyone knows that Batman’s alter ego is billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. If you don’t, spoiler alert! This dude does not look like Bruce Wayne to me. He looks like a guy that would hang around Bruce to get some residual vagina. Plus there’s the whole fact that he acts like a buffoon. This dude gets women because of his money, not his personality.

Vehicle

This is an awesome Batmobile. Impractical? Yeah. To make a turn it has to use a grappling hook and god forbid the object he attached to broke. He’d be fucked. “Billionaire playboy found dead amongst wreckage of ridiculous prototype vehicle!” Whatever. This thing is cool and I would totally run people off the road if I had it.

Batman Forever (1995)

Okay, um…yeah. A slightly larger Batman but Jesus look at that costume. Maybe he plans to dazzle people to death. I think if you were short you’d have a damn good chance if getting away since it doesn’t appear that he can bend down with those rock hard rubber abs. And that cape looks a little too silky.

Bruce Wayne

He’s got the proper looks. This is a handsome Bruce Wayne. He looks like he’d fuck chicks and reveal his identity later on. But an ass kicker? Not really. He doesn’t look like he’s spent years running on rooftops and landing on peoples backs in his spare time.

Vehicle

What. The. Fuck. This seems like the type of Batmobile a kid high on Kool-Aid would create. Look at that goddamn shark fin! If you were driving away from this all’s you’d have to do is drive into 99% of the garages in the country and you‘d get off easy! If HP Lovecraft designed a dildo, this is what it would look like.

Batman & Robin (1997)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Bruce Wayne

Again, a handsome enough fella, but he’s no Bruce Wayne. With as much working out that he has to do to be a crime fighter he would not be so doughy looking. The last time he did a push up was when he was getting off a reporter.

Vehicle

In a world where Batman wants crime to know that he’s coming from five miles away…I mean, come on. Batman wouldn’t be able to drive ten feet without drug addled youth with glowsticks surrounding him. Even the city of West Hollywood thinks this is too queer.

Batman Begins (2005)

Finally! Some people complained that this had too much armor when this was first seen. Well, I’d prefer to have that instead of rock hard nipples or Spandex. Finally Batman has the ability to blend into the shadows and scare the shit out of people. Yes, he sounds like Nick Nolte gargling with battery acid but that’s some scary shit when you don’t expect it. Imagine taking a piss and suddenly he’s behind you screaming “Rabble rabble rabble rabble!”

Bruce Wayne

This is a good looking man. He looks like he would definitely bang a lot of women. Plus he looks like he’s seen some shit in his life. This Bruce looks like his parents were murdered in front of him as a child and grew up to dress as a bat and fly across the city. And he also has the scars to prove that he has actually punched people in the face.

Vehicle

They never refer to this as a Batmobile but come on with the come on. This is the damned Batmobile! If this pulled up next to you the amount of shit you’d expel would put a hole in your drivers seat. This thing is fucking terrifying. And big! This crushes others cars. What it lacks in sleekness it makes up for with fuck your roofs!