Tuesday, December 9, 2014

You Had One Job: Terminator Genisys

What do you do when Channing Tatum is busy, Taylor Kitsch is box office poison, Sam Worthington can't be found, Ryan Reynolds costs too much, Bradley Cooper is too big, and Paul Bettany won't return your phone calls? You call in Jai Courtney: The Actor That Wasn't There! I watched the new trailer for the upcoming movie...thing...shit called Terminator Genisys. I hate that I have to make sure that I am spelling a wrong word correctly.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and just say this movie sucks. Like the Terminator I have traveled through time. Summer 2015 to be exact. This movie makes some money, but ultimately sucks all the balls. There will not be a dry ball in the house. I mentioned in a previous post about the Suicide Squad how Jai Courtney ruins things. This guy keeps getting roles because he looks cool but, lord, when this man has to do talking or heavens forbid acting he stinks up the joints.

The commercial for this seems like a joke. They might as well have said “You know the first Terminator movie you loved? Forget about it? Terminator 2: Judgment Day? Never happened. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines? Uh...no. How about Terminator Salvation? Ha! Doesn't exist! We will take everything you loved about this franchise, mix it up, change an already convoluted time-line, mix it all together until it is nice and moist, and then we fuck it! We fuck it right up its robotic ass! And you'll love it! Know why? We've brought Arnold Schwarzenegger back! Fuck you, its a great idea! Oh. I bet you thought we forgot about The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Well, you're right. Get ready for Terminator Genisys.”

Since I went to the future and landed in front of the Arclight Theater butt booty ass naked and saw this doo-doo crumb I can tell you what its all about. In 2029 John Connor is the leader of the fight against the robots. Its not Eddie Furlong, Nick Stahl, Thomas Dekker, or Christian Bale. Its Jason Clarke. “Who?!” You'd know the guy if you saw him. He sends Kyle Reese back in time played by Jai who goes to protect a 12 year old looking Sarah Connor played by Emilia Clarke aka the dragon queen I hate from Game of Thrones. This time she is being protected by an aging Terminator played by Arnold. Meanwhile karate T-1000 is coming to kill her.

Why won't any of these goddamn movies make a movie about Skynet first waking up and shit going bad? Why do they keep making films about the before and way after? In Rise of the Machines just when Skynet started the movie ended and I left the theater wanting to put my fist through the screen. Make that movie!

This is all preemptive bitching by the way. I don't plan on ever seeing this movie. Maybe when it is on TV years from now I'll check it out. But this movie looks like total shit. I didn't get a single goosebump while watching this which is a bad sign when it comes to an action film. Hell, they don't even have the Terminator ride at Universal Studios anymore for me to get my last good fix from this franchise.

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