Thursday, April 10, 2014

Theater Whore: Vampire Academy


Vampire Academy 0/10

To me there's no such thing as too many of one type of film. At one time people said there were too many zombie films, superhero films, and now vampire ones. I say there can be too many bad ones. Vampire Academy is one such film. Saying this movie is bad is an insult to the word “bad.” This movie is ass. Its bullshit. Its garbage or if you wanna sound fancy, gahr-baj. I also need to state that unlike Divergent, I have read I believe four of the six books this movie is allegedly based off of and even considering that fact this movie is such utter bullshit that I don't even need to point out how much better the book is. This is just a bad movie.


A half human half vampire chick named Rose Hathaway played by Zoey Deutch and her bodyguard Lissa Dragomir played by Lucy Fry have run away from school and living on their own with Rose feeding off of Lissa when she needs to since she is a peaceful vampire. The not peaceful ones are called Strigoi and they live forever after killing someone by drinking blood. So you can live a regular life but need blood but if you kill doing it you're a bad guy. Hmm. Anyhoot, these two fuck ups get dragged back to the academy to dick around.

There is a romance between Lissa and her trainer Dimitri Belikov played by Danila Kozlovsky. In the books (I know I thought I wasn't gonna compare the books to this shit but I kinda have to) their relationship starts off very one-sided but in this the teacher teases that he is into her as well. Its kinda gross.


Later more bullshit happens and it just all falls apart. This movie had shitty directing, shitty music, shitty writing, shitty special effects, shitty acting, and worse of all shitty fight choreography. I say that because this had a lot of fights that looked horrible. This film got yanked out of theaters quickly. So quickly I didn't even know it had been out already. I remember a while back when I saw the trailer and just gasped at how bad it looked.

Please, if you have the chance to see this don't. Its not so bad its good. It is just plain bad and whoever had a hand in this being made should be shamed of themselves. Not just because they did not possess the ability to at the very least copy what was written and attempt to make a film of it, but because every part of this movie screams “Why try?”

"Because we wants all the monies...?"

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