Thursday, April 17, 2014

The Hate Can't Wait: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

When I first heard that there was a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie coming out I was intrigued. I wondered how they would translate the characters that many of us grew up with and loved. Then I found out that Michael Bay was doing it and I tried to through my childhood in the basement so that it wouldn't find out about it. But it was too late. The damage was done.

9 year old Dante is not a reasonable version of me. If you think this version of me makes no sense picture a smaller version of me that has three times the amount of energy and no concept of things like movies not being made specifically for him. I take things from my childhood being fucked with as a personal attack.

Mommy, I'm scared!

May I point out that these things look creepy as fuck? There have been various forms of the Turtles but this one by far are the scariest ones. These are scarier than Batman! If one of these showed up and said it was here to save me I would start screaming. I would pray for the ability to faint. I'm not even mad anymore about the supposedly storyline where they are from space. Whatever. But do they really need to look this scary?!

And Megan Fox. Besides having no skill other than standing there and looking attractive why was she chosen as April O'Neil? Didn't she compare Bay to Hitler which is why she was booted from the last Transformer film? There are dozens of chicks that cosplay as April that look just like her and have their boobs all hanging out.

Oh my...

The point of all this, if there is one, is that this film didn't need to be made. Was there some aspect of TMNT that we felt was lacking from previous films and dozens of cartoons? No. Not really. I think Bay is just being an asshole. Can't wait for him to do his version of Street Fighter that takes place on the surface of the sun.

Click here for previous The Hate Can't Wait.

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