Everyone knows who The Incredible Hulk is. I'll go out on a limb and say that he is probably one of the top five most known comic book characters in the world. There's Batman, Superman, Green Lantern, Flash, and Hulk. Sad. Just realized that Hulk is the only Marvel character on that list. Not my problem. I decided to take the four live action versions of Hulk and see which one was possibly the best. I say that but don't actually make a decision. That's for you, you big baby. I can't make every decision for you!
The Incredible Hulk (1977) “A fugitive scientist has the curse of becoming a powerful green monster under extreme emotional stress.” That is the perfect description of the character! I grew up watching this but never had the chance to cover myself with green paint and growl at people. I did use the “Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry” line but never seriously. I should. Maybe next time I'm in church. Bixby made me feel bad for the poor guy because he really looked like a nice guy who would end up in fucked up situations, a monster would emerge, then he'd be hitchhiking to a new town at the end of each episode.
The is the only time a real human being in makeup plays the Hulk. If I saw this thing running down the street growling like a bear the city would have to buy a new pair of pants for me because fuck dealing with this level of stress. His hairstyle alone would make me cross the street. The fact that his armpits turn flesh colored when he sweats somehow makes him even more frightening because that just means some buff ass lunatic painted himself green and is on a rampage. He fought a bear once and I believed it had nothing to do with the show. I think they just found him during a lunch break just fucking with nature.
Hulk (2003) “Bruce Banner, a genetics researcher with a tragic past, suffers an accident that causes him to transform into a raging green monster when he gets angry.” Fuck this movie. I went to the theater eleven kinds of excited and walked out feeling like someone farted into a bag and put it over my head. BRUCE Banner gets injected with Hulk juice as a baby and even in his normal form looks like the kinda guy that would kick an actual scientists ass for fun. I don't feel bad for this good looking jock.
He looks...cuddly. Like soft. If this Hulk ran up to me I would pet him while he rolled over exposing his belly thereby showing that I had established dominance in this relationship. What is even worse is that the director fucking Ang Lee did the motion capture for this because as we all know when we think of how Hulk should move and react we all picture a small Taiwanese man. Am I right? I can't be the only one. This is by far the worst Hulk in terms of everything.
The Incredible Hulk (2008) “Dr. Bruce Banner, thanks to a gamma ray experiment gone wrong, transforms into a giant green-skinned hulk whenever his pulse rate gets too high.” This is more like it. A thin guy that doesn't look like he could be running around kicking folks asses. I like that it got to a point where I was proud that he was in South America trying to contain his rage and there was even a countdown clock. He is that guy that you praise for their AA chips because when he falls off the wagon he shoots it as it drives away. Even now when I read old ass Hulk stories it has this guys voice.
Fucking run! Muthafucka is using cars for boxing gloves! This thing is huge, scary, and would make me change my beliefs towards religion if it rushed up on me. This is nothing but a rage monster. You don't hold you hand up and try to reason with this unless you're one of those people that think having two arms is stupid. This creature would rip your arm off and beat you to death with it. He looks like he doesn't tip either.
The Avengers (2012) “Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. assembles a team of superheroes to save the planet from Loki and his army.” While Banner is not the star of this since it has a huge cast I was pissed because Ruffalo to me is the guy that likes the girl but doesn't get her until after some other asshole has blown her back out...just like my real life. It turns out that he was actually pretty good at playing a meek fella. I had to admit that he portrayal as Banner was pretty damned good.
Though this was the most realistic looking of all the Hulks it was not as scary as the one listed above. He got to show more personality and it was nice to not see him make the sad puppy dog eyes and go “Betty...?” and jump into the sky moaning like a little bitch. I just described the entire Hulk cartoon series in one sentence. I'm not sure if I could watch an entire film with this Hulk but I'd give it a try.
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