Theater Whore: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2/10

At the end of this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie Megan Fox has a facial expression and it caught me off guard. That isn't a good way for me to start this off. This movie didn't need to be made. I know it isn't for fans of the comic books or animated series. Any of the animated series. And if it is for new fans, you know, trying to bring them in then it seems like they would have put a little more effort into making these characters likable or at the very least cool. It failed on every level from the acting, the voices, the action, and the plot. My god, the plot! And please don't point out how much money this made. Transformers has made a shit ton of money and those films are absolute ass.

Spoilers ahead.

The Hate Can't Wait: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

When I first heard that there was a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie coming out I was intrigued. I wondered how they would translate the characters that many of us grew up with and loved. Then I found out that Michael Bay was doing it and I tried to through my childhood in the basement so that it wouldn't find out about it. But it was too late. The damage was done.

9 year old Dante is not a reasonable version of me. If you think this version of me makes no sense picture a smaller version of me that has three times the amount of energy and no concept of things like movies not being made specifically for him. I take things from my childhood being fucked with as a personal attack.

Insert Coin: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

“This was the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game, and is based on the 1987 TV series, which was in its third season at the time of the game's original release, although the art style more resembles the original comic series. The game was ported to various home computer platforms in 1990.” 

Back when I was around 10 I was all about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I watched the cartoon, I had the toys, and you better believe I played the videos games. At the arcade you could play as either Michelangelo, Raphael, Donatello, or Leonardo. I always picked Raphael because he was the coolest one. Oh, you don’t think so? Who’s better? Yeah. That’s what I thought. No one. The best thing about this was that you could play with all four of the turtles at the same time!

These four creatures come to save you the window becomes the safest option.

This came out the same year as NES released theirs. Now, I was excited as all get out to play this at home after I borrowed it from someone because my mother wasn’t even trying to buy me this shit for myself. Popped the game in and was kind of surprised at the graphics. Not in a good way.